The Joke Thread

[iangould]

Thanks all for sharing so many nice jokes
here is on from mine



Little Johnny Jokes

Visit to the Police Station

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[davegugg]

Hey, just saw this thread, some very funny ones. I've got a few to contribute:

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say ‘good-bye Grandpa’?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smokes", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it - I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[davegugg]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a businessman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The businessman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful’.
Then, a politician comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.” The politician is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[davegugg]

This one probably won't make much sense unless you live in the good ol' USA:

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a “Save the Trees” shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing “Go Sarah” shirts raced up.

One quickly fired a shot right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[davegugg]

Grandpa Gugg was reminiscing about the good old days several years ago.
"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. Too many damn security cameras.”

[oldchippy]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to **** in the boat."

[pike]

oldchippy,I've just phoned Davo and Johnno and both said not to waste my time going to the sea as it not true!

[davegugg]

Here's another one that'll probably make the most sense to the US folks:

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color are you looking for?”
The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

[davegugg]

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh-oh! I'm in trouble!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it in for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

[ratcat]

Man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends
plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over.
They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the partyanimal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner
to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone
who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if
Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she
replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day.

The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his
car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them
to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the
police car, with all its lights still flashing.

[pike]

How to Tell the *** of a Fly * * * * *

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked. * * * * *

'Hunting Flies’ He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' * * * * *
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.**********


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?' * * * * *

He responded, *…
3 were on a beer can, * * * * *
2 were on the phone. * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *

[davegugg]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.”
“What’s the moral of that story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.”
“That was a fine story Sarah.”
“Michael, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she’s been drinking!!!!!!”

[NBVC]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It
had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near
anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight
towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

[teylyn]

Ahemmm!

Some stuff delivered by my 7-year old son:


1.)
What do you call a sleeping bull?

select the next line to see the answer
solution start: a bulldozer! solution end.


2.) This one only works with a Kiwi or Oz accent:
What do you do when you've got a gun and one bullet and you see a jaguar, a bear and a tiger?

You shoot the tiger, you drink the bear (pron. "beer" in NZ) and you drive a way in the Jaguar.


3.)
What does the scientist write on the robot's headstone? Select the solution line to see the answer.

start solution "Rust in peace" end solution

[zbor]

deleted...