The Joke Thread

[oldchippy]

We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your backside,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope all on my own?

[oldchippy]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

[Ron Coderre]

These two guys at a tropical resort are marvelling at
how this other man seems to have a different gorgeous
girl on his arm each night. One of the guys decides to
go ask the gentleman his secret.

The man tells them, "It's simple, really. Every day, I
walk the beach in a skimpy Speedo bathing suit. But,
before I go out, I put a couple potatoes in it! The
girls are impressed and fall all over me!"

The next day, the two guys decide to implement the plan.
After walking the beach for ten minutes not one girl has
approached them and all they hear is snickers after they
walk by. Just then, the successful playboy comes running over.
He pulls the two guys aside and politely tells them,
"Gentlemen, the potatoes go in the front!"

[oldchippy]

That's funny Ron 10/10

[Macdave_19]

FACE - Has their face fallen on one side?
ARMS - Can they raise both and keep them there?
SPEECH - is it slurred?
TIME - to get her pants off, the rohypnol has taken affect.

for those non uk residents: you won't get this, apologies.

it's a spin on an advert about strokes.

sorry for being so crude!!

[oldchippy]

After the last one , here's a clean one

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[oldchippy]

Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a check-up.

A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'

[dominicb]

FA Cup Final day. Wembley Stadium. It's Manchester United v Arsenal for what's expected to be the biggest game of the domestic season. And the stadium is packed to capacity having sold out months ago.

Our man makes his way to his seat 10 minutes before kick off and sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. At half time the seat is still empty and it truly is the only empty seat in the stadium, so he say's to the guy on the other side of the gap :
"Can you believe someone's bought a ticket for this game and not turned up?"
"Actually" says the guy, "it's my wife's seat. We get tickets for the FA Cup Final every year. We bought the tickets months ago, but sadly she can't accompany this year as she's passed away."
"Sorry to hear that" says our man, "but it seems such a shame to have this seat empty when someone else could have enjoyed it. Surely you have a friend or relative who could have come with you?"
"Nah." said the guy. "They're all at her funeral."

DominicB

[oldchippy]

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to do something for the everyday people of the country think again my friend, you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

[royUK]

I don't want to spoil the fun, but can jokes be kept clean please. We don't always know the age of members who may be reading them.

I have received a complaint about the last one posted & have therefore deleted it.

[Macdave_19]

I apologise for the last joke Evryone, i'll keep them clean from now on.

[mudraker]

Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN - I Simply Don't Know

[dominicb]

35 Things You Know But Never Knew You Knew

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

DominicB

[oldchippy]

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour.
'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go to the pub.'

[oldchippy]

For all you teachers

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher