The Joke Thread

[tigeravatar]

Famous Cells and Ranges
A1 The steak sauce cell
IM21 The legal drinking age cell
K9 The dog cell
AK47 The assault weapon cell
IV2 The second intravenous solution cell
B9 The malignant cell
HI5 The alternate handshake cell
AH:HA The discovery range
F16 The fighter jet cell
AM:FM The radio range
ET2 The Brute' cell
AW42 The root beer for two cell
BU:BU The erroneous range
BY:BY The farewell range
IC2 The double-vision cell
IQ100 The average intelligence cell
HO:HO The Santa Claus range
GO2 The destination cell
FU2 The same to you cell
EX2 The second former spouse cell
CU8 The oil-rich country cell
BU10 The shirt fastener cell
BC49:BD1 The '96 Presidential Election results range
AG1:GB1 The '00 disputed Florida vote range
T42 The old soft-shoe cell
U2 The Irish rock group cell
BI123 The Lotus marketing slogan cell
C4 The explosive cell
V8 The vegetable juice cell
R2:D2 The android range
I1:U1 The tied game cell
AP:ES The Simian range
H8:U2 The ex-wife range
IN2:CA9 The dog-lover range
AC:DC The electric range
D84:U2 The double date range
I812 The Monica Lewinsky meets Linda Lovelace cell
I12:CU2 The "when can we meet" cell

(From http://j-walk.com/ss/jokes/famous.htm)

[Mordred]

This link

[Domski]

Excel Forum at the moment.

I thank you, I'm here all week waka waka!

[zbor]

Small school of Croatian language....

If you would use Google translator for: Women are women and women should drive a car (on Croatian: zene su zene i zene bi trebale voziti auto) you will get:
Women are women and women should not drive a car.

Also, if you use: Men are men and men should clean the house (on Croatian: muškarci su muškarci i muškarci bi trebali ocistiti kucu) (hint: š = sh in english)

result is: men are men and women should clean the house

Don't we have a great language

[Mordred]

FU2 The same to you cell

Haha, I finally can see this page and this is what I get to read

[masond3]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a *****!"

[TMShucks]

Sadly (?), the last joke lost something in translation (in the censorship mill). I suspect that I get the drift though

[Domski]

The pen is mightier than the sword

Dom

[masond3]

There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea - break on a building site the Englishman pipe's up if my wife put's Cheese on my sandwich's again Iam going to kill myself and the Scotsman say's if my wife put's Egg on my sandwich's again I will kill myself and the Irishman say's if I find Gammon on my sandwich's again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich's are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part's of the site and kill themselve's later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman's wife say's if he diddn't want cheese on his sandwich's he should have told me and this wouldn't have happened then the Scotsman's wife come's away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich's then the Irishman's wife pipe's up I can't understand this, Paddy make's his own sandwich's.

[teylyn]

mason, here are a few full stops and commas:

........
,,,,,,

Maybe you can use them in your next post.

Also, some words and word forms end with the letter "s" and do not need an apostrophe; notably, the third person singular verb forms (she puts, he pipes up, he says, he makes) and plural forms (sandwiches, parts, themselves).

Not everybody would have gotten "the Englishman's wife" correct, so congratulations on that.

[martindwilson]

@tiger i worked on a phone system once where the hex display for a fault was F0,that just about said everything

[darkyam]

I think we could all use a good laugh right now...those of us still here anyway. The following are taken from real courtroom transcripts:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

_____

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

_____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

_____

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

_____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

[pike]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.





When chemists die, they barium.





Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.





I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop
any time.





How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.





I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
me.





This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.





I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.





I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.





They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.





PMS jokes aren't funny; period.





Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.





We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope
there's no pop quiz.





I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.





I heard about a cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?





When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.





Broken pencils are pointless.





I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.





Is a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary called a thesaurus?





England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.





I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.





I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.





All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.





I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.





Velcro - what a *** off!





A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy





Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

[s.murphy]

A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

[pike]

Singers of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby-boomers ....






New Releases Include:

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker




Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends





The BeeGees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?



Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face



Johnny Nash ---
I CAN'T See Clearly Now.




Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver




The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom




Procol Harum---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair





Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping




The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone



Abba---
Denture Queen




Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore



Lesley Gore---
It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To



And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again