The Joke Thread

[squiggler47]

Funny that this is still floating around after 20+years!

Still hopefully it will show us where we are lacking!

Real Programmers ...


Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.

Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.

Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.

Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.

Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.

Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.

Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, pre-maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.

Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

[kraljb]

Having spent her whole life in the Convent Sister Catherine had decided at the age of 26 to leave the Convent and go into the outside world.

She approached Mother-Superior Beautrice to let her know of her decision. To which Mother Superior proceded to tell her of the horrors of secular world, trying to scare Catherine from leaving. Catherine could not be swayed in her resolve to leave and when asked what she was going to do for a living, she replied "I'm going to be a prostitute."

Upon hearing those words, Mother-Superior fainted. Upon being revived she went and got Father Paul to join in on this conversation with Catherine. Beginning the conversation between the 3 of them by asking Catherine "Now Sister, please tell Father what you told me you were going to do once you leave the convent."

To which Catherine replied "I had thought about for a while and decided that becoming a prostitute was going to be the best option for me"

A look of releif came over Mother Superior's face as she said "Thank Goodness, I thought you said you were going to be a protestant earlier!"

[oldchippy]

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...

She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand... So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera......

[split_atom18]

Two Boys in Hospital

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid t hen asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

[pike]

A blonde decided to rent her first porno video.
She went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded ****.
She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR.
But nothing appeared on her screen except static.
She called the video store and complained, 'I just rented a porno from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static.'
The clerk said, 'Sorry about that, which movie was it?'
The blonde replied, 'Head Cleaner.'

[split_atom18]

Italian Tomato Garden:


An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.



His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

[pike]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. Sign at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[pike]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[oldchippy]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his work-shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this ?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, around $1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work ?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...


'Try doing it with the engine running !'

[NBVC]

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[NBVC]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that
she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[oldchippy]

How did he become rich?

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money.
'Well, son, it was 1932 time of the depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies.
'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies.
I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37.

'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'

[oldchippy]

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

[pike]

The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!


The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.


The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm homesick.

[pike]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 
'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling club. 
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer. 
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday .