The Joke Thread

[ratcat]

G'day All,

I'm surprised there is not a joke thread in these part of the woods.

Occasionally you see the odd joke out in the working part of the forum and I think this one is a great joke. Yes I still have a chuckly about that thread now and then.

Well, I'll break the ice with a couple jokes then........

1st Year Physics Humour

The following is an actual question given on a physics mid term exam. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being --- which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN 'A+'

[ratcat]

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line.

It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44?

How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

[dominicb]

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

Man, that's really funny. I've just laughed out loud at that one.

Well done

DominicB

[Simon Lloyd]

The second one i had heard...the first was quite amusing too!, thanks ratcat!

[oldchippy]

Hi,

Here's another for the joke thread

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray

[ratcat]

I hope this one is clean enough......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Simon Lloyd]

This is no slight on or Irish friends, however:
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site, Paddy is busy nailing down the floorboards while Murphy watches in amazement!, Paddy is picking up nails out of the box looking at them and if they are upside down he's throwing them away!

"Paddy" says Murphy, "Why will you be t'rowing all those nails away?", "can you not see?" says Paddy, "I get these here nails out of the bag, some are the right way up and some are upside down, so i'm t'rowing those one's away!", "You donkey Paddy" says Murphy "don't throw them away........save them for the ceiling!!!"

[Simon Lloyd]

This may be a little risky:
Little Sam goes up to his dad and asks if he can have a bike?, his dad replies "No son, the mortgage is 180K and your mum has just lost her job!", the next day little Sam is leaving with his suitcase packed, his dad asks "where are you going?", Sam replies "I was walking past your bedroom last night and i heard you say to mum your pulling out, and mum said wait for her 'cos she's coming too, and i'm not staying here on my own with a 180K mortgage and no f***ing bike!"

[oldchippy]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey , what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[oldchippy]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .


"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[arthurbr]

( translated as well as possible from french)

A kangaroo enters a bar and orders a whiskey.
After emptying his glass he asks how much he owes.
The bartender answers " 25 dollars". The kangaroo pays and leaves the place.

Couple of days later, same stuff.

And, some days later, again.

At the kangaroo's fourth visit the bartender engages in small talk and says " We don't see kangaroos often here".
And the kangaroo answers : " No wonder, at the price you charge the whiskey.."

[oldchippy]

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

5. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.

6. If they are recounting them put them in Auditing.

7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks put them in Engineering.

8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in Planning.

9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in Operations.

10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces put them in Information Technology.

12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

14. If they have already left for the day put them in Marketing.

15. If they are staring out of the window put them in Strategic Planning.

16. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

[Ron Coderre]

A guy pops his head into a busy barbershop and asks the
barber, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber does a quick count and says, "Two hours."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The next day the same guy asks again, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The third day, same guy, same question.
The barber says, "About an hour."
Again, the guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

Annoyed, the barber tells one of his regular customers,
"Quick! Follow that guy and tell me where he goes."
Ten minutes later the customer comes back, laughing his
head off. The barber asks, "Well? Where did he go?".
His buddy says, "YOUR HOUSE!"

[Simon Lloyd]

Lol, this thread is getting very entertaining!