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The Joke Thread

  1. #136
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Time to write your Xmas wish list.
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  2. #137
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Oh, crap! I'm getting coal again.

  3. #138
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    **DRILL PRESS:
    **A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    **
    **WIRE WHEEL:
    **Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh!t!"
    **
    **SKILL SAW:
    **A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    **
    **PLIERS:
    **Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    **
    **BELT SANDER:
    **An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    **
    **HACKSAW:
    **One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    **
    **VISE-GRIPS:
    **Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    **
    **OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    **Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
    **
    **TABLE SAW:
    **A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
    **
    **HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    **Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    **
    **BAND SAW:
    **A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    **
    **TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    **A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    **
    **PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    **Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    **
    **STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    **A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    **
    **PRY BAR:
    **A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    **
    **HOSE CUTTER:
    **A tool used to make hoses too short.
    **
    **HAMMER:
    **Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    **
    **UTILITY KNIFE:
    **Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    **
    **Son of a b*tch TOOL:
    **Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  4. #139
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Add to that:

    **Excel:
    **A spreadsheet application named to make you feel as if you're doing really brililant stuff and getting on in the world, while you really spend most time on wrestling with its "features" and inventing workarounds.

  5. #140
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    "*MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

    *When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

  6. #141
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A living Will

    Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
    oldchippy
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  7. #142
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Good jokes. All jokes are very funny. Me and my wife laugh very much at last night. I really enjoyed.
    Thanks

  8. #143
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Tiger Shark

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  9. #144
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    looks like you have settled into Moruya quite will there pike.


  10. #145
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Yes I'll be here for a while the summers are lovely, mild and little to no humidity
    We have only had about five days over 38

  11. #146
    Forum Moderator Richard Buttrey's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Two chaps discussing what they did last night.

    1st. Oh we had a wonderful time last night, found a new restaurant.

    2nd. Oh, what's it like then?

    1st. Absolutely superb, wonderful food, well presented, and a fantastic ambience to the place.

    2nd, What's it called.

    1st. Oh, err, what the hell is it called. ermm, oh for heaven's sake what is it....red, what's that shrub that's red, well often red although other colours as well, you know, it's thorny, you prune it every year, lots of different varieties all smell different, oh damn! What on earth is it called.

    2nd You mean a rose?

    1st Oh that's it. Of course, (calling over his shoulder to the kitchen). Rose what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
    Richard Buttrey

    If any of the responses have helped then please consider rating them by clicking the small star icon below the post.

  12. #147
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION*
    ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME*
    WITH THE*MOST ROMANTIC*FIRST LINE,*
    AND THE*LEAST ROMANTIC**SECOND LINE:*


    1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:*
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.*

    2. I see your face when I am dreaming.*
    That's why I always wake up screaming.*

    3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;*
    This describes everything you are not.*

    4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,*
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.*

    5. I thought that I could love no other*
    -- that is until I met your brother.*

    6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.*
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's*
    empty and so is your head.*

    7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;*
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.*

    8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes*
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!*

    9. My love, you take my breath away.*
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?*

    10. My feelings for you no words can tell,*
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'*

    11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?*
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.*

    WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

  13. #148
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."

  14. #149
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    This one always cracks me up....and yes, I'm a guy.



    A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. Amazed, the woman asked if she got three wishes.

    The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

    The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

    The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

    The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

    The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

  15. #150
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    LOL..................15 all

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