haha cute
haha cute
1. Use code tags for VBA. [code] Your Code [/code] (or use the # button)
2. If your question is resolved, mark it SOLVED using the thread tools
3. Click on the star if you think someone helped you
Regards
Ford
Here is a story that has been going around for decades, long before the Internet. I do not know if any of it is true (probably not). But it reminds me of some of the Excel questions I try to answer:
After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Jeff
| | |·| |·| |·| |·| | |:| | |·| |·|
Read the rules
Use code tags to [code]enclose your code![/code]
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
In the spirit of Larry The Cable Guy ... 'I don't care who you are ... NOW THAT'S FUNNY ! '
.
It's been a L O N G time since anyone posted some humor. So .....
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Why should you never play cards in the jungle ?
Because it's full of cheetahs.
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.
And just for my friend Winon ...
A husband and wife were driving through South Africa. As they approached Johannesburg, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Why do the English tell such stupid jokes about Americans?
So the Americans can understand them.
(ducks and heads for the hills)
University chancellor checking the economics degree paper that a professor from the Economics department proposes setting and has presented to him for comment.
UC: "But these are the same questions as last year!"
Prof: "Ah yes, but this year the answers are different".
Richard Buttrey
RIP - d. 06/10/2022
If any of the responses have helped then please consider rating them by clicking the small star icon below the post.
Logit, did you notice my current location?
LOL
.
Yes, I was aware of that when I posted.
But since you started it ...
(aren't you originally from GB or SA ?)
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
Please help by:
Marking threads as closed once your issue is resolved. How? The Thread Tools at the top
Any reputation (*) points appreciated. Not just by me, but by all those helping, so if you found someone's input useful, please take a second to click the * at the bottom left to let them know
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Got this from a YouTube post.
"If I had $0.50 for every math test I failed I'd have $13.23 by now."
Dave
On her way home, a woman noticed three parrots for sale at a local pet shop, one for $150, another for $125 and one for $10. She asked the clerk why the third was so cheap, and he told her because it came from a brothel. She laughed, handed over $10 and took the bird home.
When they got to the house, the parrot spoke up immediately: ”Hey, a new brothel! Place looks great!” The woman laughed and laughed!
A while later, the woman’s two daughters came home; the parrot spoke up again ”Hey, new girls! The new place is gonna do great!” The woman and her daughters laughed their heads off!
That evening the woman’s husband came home from work; the parrot spoke immediately ”Hey, Joe! Glad you found the new place!” The woman didn’t find this very amusing at all.
Long one, but good one:
One day, an old man received an phone call from the IRS. Apparently they’d noticed large sums of money moving in and out of his accounts despite his being long-since retired and on a fixed income. They needed him to explain himself or he’d be subjected to a full audit, so they scheduled him to come to their office first thing on Monday. The old man had never dealt with anything like this, so he called his lawyer and asked him to go with him to the IRS’ office.
That Monday, the old man and his lawyer found themselves sitting across a large desk from an IRS official who proceeded to reiterate what had brought them to this critical moment, again threatening a full audit.
“I can explain everything,” the old man said, “I like to gamble; all that money is from my gambling habit.”
“Alright, that makes sense,” said the IRS official, “but we have all the necessary forms for you to report gambling earnings; surely the casinos you frequent made you aware given such large sums of money?”
“Well, I don’t really gamble at casinos; I gamble on other things,” said the old man.
“Like what?” said the IRS official.
The old man thought for a moment and said “it’s probably best if I just show you. Care to make a wager?”
Intrigued, the IRS official consented to the bet.
“You look like a well ta’do fella, and dern smart, too” said the old man leaning closer to the desk; “I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my own eye.”
The IRS official grinned from ear to ear, “ that’s impossible; you’ve got a bet!”
To that, the old man proceeded to pop out a glass eye, gingerly nibble it, and pop it back in.
The IRS official was stunned. “Well, I’ll be damned; you got me,” as he reached for his check book.
The old man raised his hand, “Now, now, wait just a second before you go writing any checks. I’m not an unreasonable man, and I’m certain sure you’re no quitter; I’m willing to give you a chance to DOUBLE your money. I bet you $10,000 I can bite my other eye.”
The IRS official pursed his lips, still silently fuming that he’d be had, but he noticed the old man walked in on his own, didn’t have a cane or seeing eye dog, so clearly he didn’t have TWO glass eyes, “Alright, old, man; you’re on!”
To that the old man popped out his false teeth, raised them to his good eye, pinched it between the yellowed front teeth of the dentures before popping them back into his mouth.
The IRS official stood up and pounded his fist against his desk, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Alright, enough of this; take your damned check and get out of here!”
The old man raised his hands and bowed his head in surrender, “Now hold your horses, it’s just money and we’re just funnin’. Last chance, double er’ nothin’ again. $20,000?”
Seeing red, the IRS official was ready to pop; the idea of having to explain to his wife AND superiors how in the span of 5 minutes, he lost $10,000 to an old man he’d had pegged for an audit didn’t sit too well with him, but an extra $20,000 sounded just right. “Old man, no more fooling around; you’re running out of fake body parts, so what’s the bet?”
The old man gestured to the small trashcan next to the official’s desk, “You see that trashcan right there? I’m not going to touch it; YOU push it back against the wall directly behind you.” The official complied pushing the can behind him a good 10 feet away and returned to his desk.
“Alright, $20,000 says, from this chair right here, without getting up save to undo my britches and sit back down, I can pee directly over your head into the trashcan and not a single drop will miss, everything around us as bone-dry as it is right now when I’m done.” And to sweeten the pot, he added “And no tom-foolery this time; the rules are clear and I got *down there* only what God gave me some 90 years ago. We got a deal?”
The official shook the old man’s hand and plopped back down in his chair. The old man stood up, unbuckled his pants, pulled out his business, sat back down and proceeded to pee everywhere BUT in the trashcan across the room: all over the floor, on the IRS official’s desk, even in the IRS official’s face!
The IRS official started laughing hysterically whilst wiping his face with a handerkerchief, “I knew it couldn’t be done you crazy, old man! Now poney up my $20,000!”
The old man shrugged, “yep, you got me. $20,000, all yours.” He pulled out his own checkbook and started writing the check.
Beaming with pride as he watched the old write the check, the IRS official noticed the lawyer was glaring at the old man and shaking his head in silent outrage. “What’s your problem councelor?” he asked with a grin. “Is that $20,000 coming out of your fees?”
The lawyer shot him a furious look, “No, you idiot; the old man bet me $50,000 on the way over here that he could pee in your face and you’d love it!”
Last edited by Mvaldesi; 10-12-2018 at 04:06 PM.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Q. How do vampires start their letters?
A. "Tomb it may concern..."
Q. What do you call a duck that loves making jokes?
A. A wise-quacker!
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
.
You know you are OCD when you spell it CDO.
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves".
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas… There are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?” I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
Have I made you happy ??? If yes, please make me happy by pressing the Add Reputation button in my post.
Please don't forget to do the same to other contributors of this forum.
ThanksI don't void confusion, I create it
A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.
Oh my god that blew my mind lol
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
Him: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
Her: “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
Him: “And that helps?”
Her: “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
.
Yuck !
Last edited by Logit; 02-01-2019 at 11:19 AM.
Serves him right.
Ali
Enthusiastic self-taught user of MS Excel who's always learning!
Don't forget to say "thank you" in your thread to anyone who has offered you help.
You can reward them by clicking on * Add Reputation below their user name on the left, if you wish.
Forum Rules (updated August 2023): please read them here.
That's probably why he lets out his anger at her so often. Also known as GIGO!
Please consider:
Be polite. Thank those who have helped you. Then Click on the star icon in the lower left part of the contributor's post and add Reputation. Cleaning up when you're done. If you are satisfied with the help you have received, then Please do Mark your thread [SOLVED] .
.
Freudian Slip ?
They don't wear slips anymore.
If I've helped you, please consider adding to my reputation - just click on the liitle star at the left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(Pride has no aftertaste.)
You can't do one thing. XLAdept
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~aka Orrin
.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Just going through some old emails - this was sent to me some 11 years ago !! :
“Please don’t handle the fruit. Ask for Debbie” – Greengrocer’s
“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable” – Bucharest Hotel lobby
“Guard dogs operating” – District Hospital
“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for” – Swiss restaurant
“Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension” – Austrian ski hotel
“We stand behind every bed we sell” – Furniture shop
“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily… Except Thursday” – Moscow hotel (across the street from a Russian Orthodox Monastery)
“St Just church and bar” – Cornish road sign
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid” – Japanese hotel
“Warning: never use while sleeping” – Warning with hair dryer
“If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food” – Tel Aviv hotel
“Don’t go into another shop to be cheated – come in here” – Bargain basement
“Light pranks add zest to your services, but don’t pull the customers’ ears” – Japanese Tourist Industry Board (Rules for Hotel chambermaids)
“Special today… No ice cream” – Swiss mountain inn
“Customers should note that any complaints about rudeness in the staff will be dealt with very severely” – British hotel
“After one visit we guarantee you will be regular” – Indian restaurant
.
How can you identify an American citizen ?
They are the ones who sit by wishing for things to change for the better while
their criminal politicians turn their Republic/Democracy into a Socialist State.
3 men were travelling together in a train.
During a journey, 1 man was eating an apple.
After he was eating a bite, he threw away the apple.
The he was eating another apple again.
Similar to before, he threw another apple again and again.
Wondering why he was doing like that, the other man asked. "Why you are throwing the apple?"
"In my country, there is a lot of apple."
A second man then lighted a "Gudang Garam" cigarette.
Similar to the first man, he threw the cigarette after a puff.
He was continuing to do the same thing for few times.
Then, the other man asked, "Why you are throwing the cigarette?
"In my country, there is a lot of "Gudang Garam" cigarette", answer the guy.
Then a third man was thinking what he could show to other two men.
Suddenly, he threw the second man who was previously smoked "Gudang Garam" cigarette.
"Hey, why you are throwing the man", the first man asked.
"In my country, there is a lot of this man"
Last edited by wanmuhd; 10-31-2019 at 01:35 AM.
Husband and wife had a fight, Wife called up her mom and said; He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you. Mom said, No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!
One day a young, fluffy white polar bear asked his mother
"Mom ? You're a polar bear ... right ?" To which his mother
replied "Yes dear." The young cub said, "So that makes me a
polar bear too. Right ?" His mother said, "Yes."
The next day the young cub asked his mother "Mom, is dad a
polar bear also ?" And his mother said "Yes."
The young cub then said .. "Well if you are a polar bear ... and
Dad is a polar bear ... and I am a polar bear ... WHY AM I SO DANG
COLD ! ?"
The All Blacks can still make it to the Rugby World Cup Finals.....They just need to buy tickets!
.............................
Ben Van Johnson
For 80 minutes the Rand was stronger than the Pound!
Is that a reflection of SA's rugby glories... or the dreadful Brexit omnishambles in the UK???
Glenn
None of us get paid for helping you... we do this for fun. So DON'T FORGET to say "Thank You" to all who have freely given some of their time to help YOU.
Temporary addition of accented to illustrate ongoing problem to the TT: L? fh?ile P?draig sona dhaoibh
.
One day a young boy asked his father : "Dad ... what's the funniest thing you can think of?"
His father thought for a few moments then replied : "All the politicians running as Democrats in the 2020 Presidential Race."
One day a young boy asked his father: "Dad ... who's the funniest demented person you can think of?"
His immediately reply: Logit
@ Glenn Kennedy,
Make no mistake, we have great respect for the Irish Rugby team! No need to blame the dreadful Brexit omnishambles in the UK, since I fail to see how it could affect Englands' Rugby team, or am I missing something somewhere?
@ xladept,
And what are you looking at Orrin?
@ Logit,
Now, don't you dare to get nasty with me old Buddy!
@ Tjaart - I was trying to fathom what you're talking about - I gave up.
BTW - How are you doing? old buddy?
Winon, congrats to you guys on the RWC win, I was rooting for England, but after watching even 10 mins in, it was clear they did not deserve to win.
" BTW - How are you doing? old buddy? "
Well .. I notice everyone has you pegged correctly. OLD !
A man just died
At his funeral, the priest speaks very highly of him:
" A fine husband, a good Christian, an exemplary father..."
The widow leans towards her son and whispers :
"Go check the grave to see if it's really your father"...
Friend : You will have to learn to say NO!
Friend : Let's have a beer ?
The drunk: Why not?
I hope i've have translated this correctly.
----------------------------------------------
I drink to drown my sorrows... But the damn things learned to swim.
.........................................................................................................................................................
How to confuse a Trump supporter: With facts
^^^^^^^
An old lady walks into a bank and askes the teller to check her balance
.
.
.
The teller pushed her over
A son was talking to his friend and related ...
"Dad and me are working from home, at the dining room table, due to the virus. Dad is
an Aerospace Engineer and he is running stress fracture calculations on Excel."
"I'm drawing ducks."
What type of automobiles do Norwegians drive?
.
.
.
Fjords
Thought it up myself
See your horoscope during these times.
Alan עַם יִשְׂרָאֵל חַי
Change an Ugly Report with Power Query
Database Normalization
Complete Guide to Power Query
Man's Mind Stretched to New Dimensions Never Returns to Its Original Form
It's uncanny Alan - how could they, possibly, know?!
Somewhere on a Californian beach, this guy has a "belief crisis".
"God,he says aloud, grant me one wish and I will definitively be sure of your existence"
....
...
A voice form Heaven : " My son, be careful what you wish for. I will grant you one wish. Speak !"
After a short silence, the guys says : " God, I'm afraid to fly. I know you can do anything and are omniscient. Please build me a highway from here to Hawaii so I can drive to my family."
"Well my son, you know that is in My power. However, did you think of the ecological consequences, all that concrete, rubber, steel, gas fumes..? I can do it, of course, but, you know nowadays...Perhaps another wish?"
The guy thinks hard for a while: " God you are right in your infinite wisdom. Could you please help me understand women?"
...
...
...
After a couple of minutes, the Voice from above: " That highway you were talking about, how many lanes do you need?
(Freely translated from the French version)
Last edited by Pepe Le Mokko; 04-25-2020 at 12:05 PM.
This is not really a joke, but I thought it was hilarious, I hope you find it as funny as I did.
As many of you know, I had a massive heart attack in early 2018 that pretty much killed me (too 9 shocks to bring me back). Anyway, when I finally got back to work (at Home Depot), I could tell that 1 of the guys that I work with, really wanted to say something to me. I told him to spit it, he said the others thought I would get offended, but I promised him I wouldnt. So anyway, this is what he told me...
He said "if you name was Chevy instead of Ford, you would not have had a heart attack, coz Chevies dont break down"
I almost p'd myself laughing, and when I finally caught my breath, I replied...
"Maybe so, but just thing, it took this Ford 60 years before it broke down!!"
I left him rolling on the floor laughing
(there is ALWAYS a bright side to any situation, if you look hard enough, and have enough humor in your soul)
FDibbons ... but he WAS correct.
Go Chevy !
But so was I...this Ford pump didnt break down for 60 years!!
I thought I saw a masked man at the ATM today.
.
A penguin walks into a bar.
The bartender asks : "What can I do for you."
The penguin replies : "Have you seen my brother Hank ?"
The bartender says : "Maybe .. what does he look like ?"
.
A rough pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What will it be ?"
The jumper cables reply, "BEER !!"
The bartender replies, "OK, but while you are here ... don't start nuthin' ."
.
"Forum Expert
This message has been deleted by FDibbins.
Reason
Some found the attachment offensive, sorry"
Awwww ... that's too bad. But then ... I find some of them offensive. How do I delete them ?
.
FDibbins :
Please provide a list of members who found my joke workbook offensive. I would like to report them.
Thank you.
Members message me in confidence, I make it a point of not betraying that trust, sorry.
Sorry, I wont do that.
Here is a little PSA, which I will post as a Moderator and also someone who had the opportunity to see Logit's post before it was removed.
There are no explicit rules against political/social commentary but given the state of the world today there are some topics that are inflammatory even if they are put forward under the guise of humor.
Since this is a forum for Excel, with this sidebar thread for recreational humor, keep it light and let's not get into controversial topics. We are not suppressing any one point of view, just heading off anything that could turn unpleasant. There are many other places where you can go to discuss all sides of an issue to your heart's content, some civilized and some not so much, depending on your preference.
Let's keep the joke thread to humor that everyone in the Excel community will find funny.
6string, thank you for that, very well phrased!!
Q: If you want to buy an axe for wood chopping, where do you go?
A: The maul
p.s. thought it up myself
2 men walk in to a bar. the 3rd one ducked.
Dad walks in from work.
Kid, excitedly: "Dad, I saved a quarter by running along side the bus instead of riding today!"
Dad, slapping Kid upside the head, "Why didn't you run along side a taxi and save $4.50?"
This probably doesn't work across the pond, but a proper Yorkshire joke ... (if you’re old enough)
Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea.
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison,
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."
Chat up lines for Covid nights - * may not translate outside UK
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it two metres away from me?
How do you feel about the rule of six? *
You look bubbly, my bubble's one short. Interested? *
I know it's not February but will you be my Quarantine?
I'll turn the computer around so you can see my etchings.
Shall we isolate in Tier 3 and I'll flatten your curve? *
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this after 8 p.m.? *
Of all the testing facilities in all the world you had to choose mine.
Last edited by Richard Buttrey; 10-28-2020 at 06:19 AM.
@Richard Buttrey... Shame if the * ones don't translate well, because they're the funniest IMO. Can't say they are EXACTLY the same here (Canada), but the references are not lost (Tier 3 is Stage 3 for me for example).
Thanks for the morning laugh!
In the U.S. there are no national rules or restrictions; it's all left to states and municipalities. So even some jokes that would work in New Jersey would go over the heads of those in Kansas.
We don't have a Rule of 6. My state has a rule of 10, but nobody calls it that.
We know about bubbles but more often we say "pod"
Here it's "Phase 3" at least for my state and Maryland (the next one over)
Curfews are rare but there are couple of cities that have imposed them.
Here is a little holiday message for you:
Gloria.jpg
OMG 6SJ, that is hilarious!!
Wonderful.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Pete
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