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The Joke Thread

  1. #151
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
    father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.



    His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades
    up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
    cut. Then we'll talk about the car."



    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
    offer, and they agreed on it.



    After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your
    grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
    but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."



    The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
    noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
    Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair .... and there's even
    strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."



    To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they walked
    everywhere they went?"

  2. #152
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    I just found out I can still have S=E=X at 71!













    I am so happy because I only live at 58,
    so it's not far to walk home . . .

  3. #153
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should =
    meet for dinner.

    *
    ***** Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside
    Tavern restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and
    nice breasts.

    **
    ***** 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once
    again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
    agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because the
    food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

    *
    ***** 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once
    again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
    agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because they
    can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

    *****
    ***** 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once
    again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
    agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because the
    restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

    ******
    ***** 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once
    again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
    agreed upon that they should meet at the Westside Tavern because they
    have never been there before.

  4. #154
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English:

    *

    *


    1.**Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    2.**One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    3.**Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

    4.**If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    5.**The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.*

    6.**I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    7.**What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    8.**If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    9.**If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    10.**Is there another word for synonym?

    11.**Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"*

    *

    12.**What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    13.**If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    14.**Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    15.**Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?*

    16.**If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or *****?

    17.**Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    18.**If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    19.**Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    20.**How do they get deer to cross the road only at those*yellow road*signs?

    21.**What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    22.***One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    23.**Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?
    *
    24.***How is it possible to have a civil war?

    25.**If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

    *

    26.**If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    27.**If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    28.*Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

    29.**Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "arseteroids"?

    30.**Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    31.**Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    32.**If you spin an*oriental person in a circle*three times, do they become disoriented

    *

  5. #155
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    You know you're Australian if....

    You know the meaning of 'girt'

    You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

    You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

    You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

    You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

    When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

    You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

    You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

    You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

    You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

    You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

    You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

    You call your best friend 'a total *******' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a *******'

    You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

    You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

    You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

    You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

    You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

    You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

    You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

    You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

    You wear ugh boots outside the house

    You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

    Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

    You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

    You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

    You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

    You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

    You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

    You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

    You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

    When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

    You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

    You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

    When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

    You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

    You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

    You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

  6. #156
    Cheeky Forum Moderator Ron Coderre's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    The long, cold mountain winter finally turned into spring. The snows melted and
    the passes opened. The big, burly mountain man made the long walk into the tiny town
    and went into his favorite building.

    "Bartender", he says. "I'll have a beer and a woman!"

    The bartender says, "You can have that beer, but the last woman left town four months
    ago. But, we DO have Old Joe in the back room".

    The mountain man stares aghast and shouts out, "I don't go for that stuff!", and
    storms back up the mountain.

    Another year passes, spring comes, the snows melt...and the people of the little town can
    hear the mountain man crashing through the bushes in his haste. He bursts through the
    same door of his favorite building and booms out, "Barkeep...Skip the beer. I just want a
    woman!"

    The barkeeper scratches his beard and states, "Well, the last woman left town a little over
    a year ago...but, we do still have Old Joe in the back room."

    The mountain man's outrage boils over and he reach out to pummel the barkeeper while
    yelling, "I told you last time...I don't go for that stuff!"

    Just before the huge man got a hold of him, the bartender blurted out,
    "Wait!..Think about it...Who would know?"

    Well, the mountain man was caught off guard. He stopped for a moment and thought.
    "You're right!" he said. "Who WOULD know?....Just you..and me...and Old Joe."

    "Um..and Bill and Dave", the bartender said.

    "Bill and Dave? Why in the world would they have to be there, too?"

    "Why, to hold Old Joe down...HE DOESN'T GO FOR THAT STUFF, EITHER!"
    Ron
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  7. #157
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    [1st joke removed, inappropriate for the site.]

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.***

    They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and*
    would just walk home.***

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
    bucket and a gallon of paint..***

    He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and*
    a goose.***

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to*
    carry his entire purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
    who told him she was lost.***

    She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"*

    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to*
    that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."*

    The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
    bucket.* Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
    carry the goose in your other hand?"*

    "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home*

    On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.*
    We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
    widow without a husband to defend me.* How do I know that when we get in the
    alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
    way with me?"

    The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady!* I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
    paint, two chickens, and a goose..* How in the world could I possibly hold
    you up against the wall and do that?"

    The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
    the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens "
    Last edited by Paul; 02-01-2010 at 06:14 PM. Reason: One joke removed for going over "the line".

  8. #158
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A Lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
    off to his colleagues.

    As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close
    to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

    More than a little distraught, the Lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the
    police.

    Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
    to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My
    Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's
    at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

    After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
    in disgust.

    'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Lawyer are,' he says. 'You
    lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
    else in your life.'

    'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
    owner.

    The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
    off when the truck hit you.'

    The Lawyer looks down in horror.

    CRIKEY !' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

  9. #159
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Five Aussies in an Audi Quattro arrived at an kiwi border checkpoint.

    Bro the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people
    in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

    'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Aussie retorts
    disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
    persons.''

    You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Bro 'Quattro means four. You have

    five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

    'The Aussie replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your superior over I
    want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

    'Sorry,' responds Bro, 'YoBro is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

  10. #160
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    One For the guys.


    Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

    Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

    1. a "Don't remind me again" button
    2. a Minimize button
    3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources
    4. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

    I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
    Bug Warning

    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

    Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
    Tech Support Suggestions

    These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

    It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

    Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

    I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    Best of Luck,
    Tech Support


  11. #161
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    one for the girls.

    Dear Tech Support:

    Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6.

    I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

    Sincerely, XXX

    Dear XXX:

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

    Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

    In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

    Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

    I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

    Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command

    "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

    Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

    TECH TIP!

    Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE

    command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

    Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

    Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

    Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

    A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

    I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

    Tech Support

  12. #162
    Forum Moderator dominicb's Avatar
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    Smile Re: The Joke Thread

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club

    A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen.

    MAN: 'Hello'

    WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

    MAN: 'Yes'

    WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

    MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

    WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

    MAN: 'How much?'

    WOMAN: ' 90,000'

    MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

    WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000'

    MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

    WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

    MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

    He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'



    DominicB
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  13. #163
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,

    orders three pints of Guinness

    and sits in the back of the room,

    drinking a sip out of each one in turn.


    When he finished all three, he comes back

    to the bar and orders three more. The bartender

    says to him,*'You know, a pint goes flat after I


    draw it; It would taste better if you*bought one

    at a time.'

    The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see,*I have two

    brothers. One is in America, the other in

    Australia,*and I'm here in* Dublin. When we all


    left home, we promised that we'd drink this way

    to remember the days we all drank together...'

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,

    and leaves it there.

    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always

    drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks

    the three pints by taking drinks from each of them

    in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

    All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall

    silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the second round,

    the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on

    your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences

    on your great loss.'


    The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the

    light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

    'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine.

    It's me..........I've quit drinking!'

  14. #164
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Bro and YoBro walking down a street in Brisbane. Bro happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said:
    "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair".
    Bro says to his pal, "YoBro, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to newzealin, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best ossie accent.'
    'Roight y'are, bro, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says yobro.
    They go in and bro says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ........"
    The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from New Zealand, aren't you?"
    "Well...yes," says a surprised Bro. "How d' y' new ?"
    The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

  15. #165
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A blonde is walking down the road when she sees another blonde coming the other way with a sack over her shoulder. The first blonde asks what's in the sack and the second blonde says she has kittens.

    The first blonde says, "Oh, if I can guess how many are in there, can I have one?"

    Second blonde, "If you can guess how many, I'll give you both of them."

    The first blonde thinks for a moment and guesses, "Five."

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