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The Joke Thread

  1. #166
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation
    follows:

    'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.. She was
    admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her
    condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

    'Do you know which ward she is in?'

    'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

    'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

    'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

    'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was
    wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

    'I'll just check her notes.. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's
    condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature
    has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well
    enough to go home tomorrow.'

    'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

    'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

    'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all here

  2. #167
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
    Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the Sydney Morning Herald that read:
    "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network thirty years earlier than the Victorians".
    One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Queensland, reported the following:
    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard at Runaway Bay, Queensland, Len Kingston-Kerr, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all.
    Len has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."
    Just makes you proud to be a Queenslander!

  3. #168
    Forum Guru martindwilson's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    way i heard it he came from NSW !!!
    "Unless otherwise stated all my comments are directed at OP"

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  4. #169
    Valued Forum Contributor ratcat's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Hahahaha I think Martin that Pike is having a 'dig' at the Queenslanders.
    Have I made you happy ??? If yes, please make me happy by pressing the http://www.excelforum.com/images/buttons/reputation-40b.png Add Reputation button in my post.
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  5. #170
    Forum Guru martindwilson's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    no ! really! i was thinking probably the man lived not far from gundary park

  6. #171
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    No, it NSW.
    With the price of fights at the momnent we should arange a Excel Forum members meeting in Brisvagas, sidly or even the east island??

  7. #172
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    The toilets near Gundary Park are famous

  8. #173
    Valued Forum Contributor ratcat's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    LOL it was been a lot cheaper for me just to drive to your place Pike or meet ya halfway at the National's Capital.

  9. #174
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Excel Forum members meeting in Brisvagas, sidly or even the east island??
    EAST ISLAND!!! Bring your surfing kit.
    Excel nerds between mountain and surf.

    Perfect.

  10. #175
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Rural NSW, Australia . OK your at Gundary Park....
    I'll be heading to Canberra Saturday then across to Goulburn and back to Mourya Sunday.
    Next time I'll have to stop at the Gundary Pub for a Beer & Pie

  11. #176
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    with the rise of the AUS dollar to the Pound we could even go and see lizzy

  12. #177
    Valued Forum Contributor ratcat's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Think the exchange is better for Lizzy to see us and shout us at beer or two. Cos I saw on the news the other day a English couple won Lotto. The prize was about 50M pound which equated to about 90M Aus. No wonder the English couple is holidaying here in Oz.

    Quote Originally Posted by teylyn
    EAST ISLAND!!! Bring your surfing kit.

    Btw Teylyn I'll pack my bodyboard if we head that way

  13. #178
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Sleeping with Bob

    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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  14. #179
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Tools and their uses.
    ________________________________________
    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****)!"

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VICE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    Son of a ***** TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  15. #180
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM &FUZZY

    A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit
    her Grandpa.
    When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
    bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
    "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
    into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
    "What?" said her Grandpa.
    "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
    croak, we're all going to DisneyLand !"

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