+ Reply to Thread
Page 13 of 45 FirstFirst ... 3 11 12 13 14 15 23 ... LastLast
Results 181 to 195 of 665

The Joke Thread

  1. #181
    Forum Guru martindwilson's Avatar
    Join Date
    06-23-2007
    Location
    London,England
    MS-Off Ver
    office 97 ,2007
    Posts
    19,321

    Re: The Joke Thread

    one for teylyn
    men think with the right side of the brain.............
    women don't
    "Unless otherwise stated all my comments are directed at OP"

    Mojito connoisseur and now happily retired
    where does code go ?
    look here
    how to insert code

    how to enter array formula

    why use -- in sumproduct
    recommended reading
    wiki Mojito

    how to say no convincingly

    most important thing you need
    Martin Wilson: SPV
    and RSMBC

  2. #182
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    10-28-2008
    Location
    New Zealand
    MS-Off Ver
    Excel 365 Insider Fast
    Posts
    11,361

    Re: The Joke Thread

    LOL, martin. I'm suppressing all the comments that immediately spring to mind ...

  3. #183
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
    Join Date
    03-05-2008
    Location
    Houston, TX
    MS-Off Ver
    2013
    Posts
    2,191

    Re: The Joke Thread

    A store owner had a friend in town and was showing him about the place when he noticed a certain boy walking down the street. He turns to his friend and says, "That is the dumbest kid ever. Watch, I'll prove it to you."

    He goes outside to the kid, pulls out a shiny quarter and a crumpled up dollar bill. "Hey, kid, how are you? Today is your lucky day. You get to choose between this shiny new quarter and this old, wrinkled dollar bill."

    The kid thinks for a few seconds and then takes the quarter and starts walking away. The shop owner looks triumphantly at his friend and says, "I've done that dozens of times and he's never taken the dollar," as he walks past.

    The friend hurries after the kid and catches him. "Hey, son, what are you doing? That dollar is worth four times as much as the quarter."

    The kid looks up at him and says with a smile, "I know that, Mister, but the day I take the dollar, the game is up."

    __________________________________________________________________________

    A man is sitting at a table in a bar with a few guys and then goes up to the bartender. "I bet $500 I can slide a mug across this bar, stand on the bar, and relieve myself into that mug without missing a single drop."

    The bartender willingly accepts the bet and they slide a mug to the other end of the bar. The guy gets on the bar and starts relieving himself, not even coming close to the mug, but getting it on the bar, the stools, and the floor.

    "Ha! That wasn't even close. You owe me $500!" the bartender says when he's done.

    "Sure thing," the guy says happily, pulling out the money and giving it to him with a smile.

    "Hey, why are you so happy? You just lost $500."

    "Yeah, but you see those four guys at that table? I just bet each of them $1,000 that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be thrilled about it."

  4. #184
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
    Join Date
    03-05-2008
    Location
    Houston, TX
    MS-Off Ver
    2013
    Posts
    2,191

    Re: The Joke Thread

    And now for a good Irish joke:

    Seamus goes to Cara's house and knocks hesitantly at the door. When she answers, he hangs his head and says, "Cara, lass, I'm afraid I have some bad news of yer Paddy."

    "Oh, Seamus, what is it?"

    "Well...he died today at work."

    "Tell me how it happened, Seamus. I need to know."

    "He fell into the whiskey vat and drowned."

    "That's terrible. Was it at least a pretty quick death?"

    "No, actually, he got out twice to pee."
    Last edited by darkyam; 03-20-2010 at 09:04 AM.

  5. #185
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
    Join Date
    03-05-2008
    Location
    Houston, TX
    MS-Off Ver
    2013
    Posts
    2,191

    Re: The Joke Thread

    And now a little something to make fun of much of the rest of Europe:

    HEAVEN is where:
    The police are British
    The chefs Italian
    The mechanics are German
    The lovers are French
    and it's all organised by the Swiss

    HELL is where:
    The police are German
    The chefs are British
    The mechanics are French
    The lovers are Swiss
    and it's all organised by the Italians!!

  6. #186
    Registered User
    Join Date
    03-25-2010
    Location
    USA
    MS-Off Ver
    CA
    Posts
    1

    Smile Re: The Joke Thread

    Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
    Student: I don't know.
    Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
    Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

  7. #187
    Forum Guru martindwilson's Avatar
    Join Date
    06-23-2007
    Location
    London,England
    MS-Off Ver
    office 97 ,2007
    Posts
    19,321

    Re: The Joke Thread

    darkyam i think you got it wrong!
    heaven for taste = food European
    hell (well its just bulk) = food USA
    VFM = USA
    robbed blind= european
    American cuisine is an oxymoron

  8. #188
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
    Join Date
    12-11-2005
    Location
    Alstonville, Australia
    MS-Off Ver
    2016
    Posts
    5,329

    Re: The Joke Thread

    The*Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to* Bagdad to watch a young Iraqi play* football, is suitably impressed and arranges for*him to come over to Anfield.*
    **
    Two weeks later* Liverpool are 4-0 down*to* Manchester United*with only 20 minutes left*to*play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and*on he goes.*
    **
    The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and*wins the game for* Liverpool *.* *The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are*delighted and the media love the new star.*
    **
    When the player comes off the pitch he*phones home to tell his mum about his first day in*English football.*
    **
    ‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but*I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the*media, they all love me!’*
    **
    ‘Wonderful’, says his mum, ‘Just wonderful. Now let*me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street*and robbed; your sister*and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother*has joined a gang of looters and all the while you were having*such a great time playing football!’
    **
    The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, I am sooo sorry.’*
    *
    ‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "Is that all you can say? If it weren’t for you playin ruddy football, we’d never have moved to Liverpool in the first Place!!”*

  9. #189
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
    Join Date
    03-05-2008
    Location
    Houston, TX
    MS-Off Ver
    2013
    Posts
    2,191

    Re: The Joke Thread

    A butcher is in his shop when a dog comes in with a $20 in its mouth. The guy thinks this is kind of cute, so he asks the dog, "Would you like to buy some meat, boy?"

    The dog drops the money on the counter and barks once.

    "What'll it be? Ribs? Pork chops? Steak?"

    At steak, the dog barks again.

    The butcher is a little surprised at this point because he's starting to get the feeling the dog understands him, so he continues, "What kind? Porterhouse? Rib eye? Filet mignon? T-bone?"

    At T-bone, the dog barks again.

    "How many? One? Two?"

    At two, the dog barks again. The butcher, very impressed by now, wraps up the meat, rings up the purchase, and puts the change and receipt in the bag, which he gives to the dog. With business being light, he decides to close shop for a bit and follows the dog to see where he goes. The dog goes down the street a few blocks, into an apartment building, uses the elevator, and then starts pawing at this one door.

    A man comes out of the door and starts yelling at the dog. The butcher comes up to him and says, "Hey, buddy! Stop that! That dog is the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"

    "Intelligent? That's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

  10. #190
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
    Join Date
    02-14-2005
    Location
    Worcester, UK
    MS-Off Ver
    Excel 2007 (Home)
    Posts
    7,099

    Re: The Joke Thread

    Cough Syrup..........

    The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily Against a wall.

    He asks the blonde clerk:
    "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

    The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
    I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

    The pharmacist yells:
    "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

    The blonde clerk responds,
    "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough".
    oldchippy
    -------------


    Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

    If you are happy with the help you have received, please click the <--- STAR icon on the left - Thanks.

    Click here >>> Top Excel links for beginners to Experts

    Forum Rules >>>Please don't forget to read these

  11. #191
    Registered User
    Join Date
    12-29-2009
    Location
    usa
    MS-Off Ver
    Excel 2003
    Posts
    0

    Re: The Joke Thread

    lol

    all jokes are nice

    another good joke by me:

    A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
    Date: 21 st July, 2004

    I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

  12. #192
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
    Join Date
    02-14-2005
    Location
    Worcester, UK
    MS-Off Ver
    Excel 2007 (Home)
    Posts
    7,099

    Re: The Joke Thread

    Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

    They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

    Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds "

    Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

    Pharmacist: "You bet!"

    Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

    Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

    Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

    Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

    Pharmacist: "We sure do."

    Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

    Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

    Pharmacist: "Sure."

    Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list !"

  13. #193
    williamslewis
    Guest

    Re: The Joke Thread

    Thanks all for sharing great jokes, here is one from me.

    Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio -- what could possibly go wrong?

    At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

    "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

    Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

    "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

    "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

    "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

    Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?

  14. #194
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
    Join Date
    12-11-2005
    Location
    Alstonville, Australia
    MS-Off Ver
    2016
    Posts
    5,329

    stranded kiwi

    One day a Kiwi, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 6 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    She walked up to the stunned Kiwi and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

    "Sux years," replied the amazed Kiwi.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of Cuban cigars and a lighter.

    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "bro," said the castaway,
    Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Sux years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink. "bro, nictar of the gods!" shouted the Kiwi. " ' fintastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Kiwi fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

  15. #195
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    10-28-2008
    Location
    New Zealand
    MS-Off Ver
    Excel 365 Insider Fast
    Posts
    11,361

    Re: The Joke Thread

    LOL, takes a while to get used to the Kiwi life style ... and the pronunciation.

    Mind you, if they say what sounds like "six", they mean they refer to the term that gets ***ed out in this forum.


+ Reply to Thread
Page 13 of 45 FirstFirst ... 3 11 12 13 14 15 23 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0 RC 1