The Joke Thread

[oldchippy]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to **** in the boat."

[pike]

oldchippy,I've just phoned Davo and Johnno and both said not to waste my time going to the sea as it not true!

[davegugg]

Here's another one that'll probably make the most sense to the US folks:

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color are you looking for?”
The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

[davegugg]

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh-oh! I'm in trouble!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it in for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

[ratcat]

Man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends
plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over.
They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the partyanimal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner
to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone
who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if
Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she
replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day.

The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his
car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them
to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the
police car, with all its lights still flashing.

[pike]

How to Tell the *** of a Fly * * * * *

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked. * * * * *

'Hunting Flies’ He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' * * * * *
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.**********


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?' * * * * *

He responded, *…
3 were on a beer can, * * * * *
2 were on the phone. * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *

[davegugg]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.”
“What’s the moral of that story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.”
“That was a fine story Sarah.”
“Michael, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she’s been drinking!!!!!!”

[NBVC]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It
had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near
anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight
towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

[teylyn]

Ahemmm!

Some stuff delivered by my 7-year old son:


1.)
What do you call a sleeping bull?

select the next line to see the answer
solution start: a bulldozer! solution end.


2.) This one only works with a Kiwi or Oz accent:
What do you do when you've got a gun and one bullet and you see a jaguar, a bear and a tiger?

You shoot the tiger, you drink the bear (pron. "beer" in NZ) and you drive a way in the Jaguar.


3.)
What does the scientist write on the robot's headstone? Select the solution line to see the answer.

start solution "Rust in peace" end solution

[zbor]

deleted...

[davegugg]

“Husband Down”
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser (beer) and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans”, he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”
On the PA system: “Cleanup on Aisle 25, we have a husband down.”

[pike]

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business ...

[zbor]

Forgive me pike.. I had to use it for my FB status

[teylyn]

How 'bout a little vacation, pike? Seems like you need to chill out and recover from a bad experience

[oldchippy]

This may have been posted before, but I didn't have the time to look, so if it was here it is again, if not enjoy!

Examination Answers
The following questions were set in last year's school examinations in America
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. *** can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[zbor]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

[oldchippy]

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[oldchippy]

Just Standard Pricing Procedure

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

[oldchippy]

Drinking problem!

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you f*rted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand'

[teylyn]

LOL. That explains why there's so many Ozzies here with no money and no passport. <Giggle>

[dominicb]

LOL. That explains why there's so many Ozzies here with no money and no passport. <Giggle>

...and Germans ... !?!? *duck*

DominicB

[teylyn]

Ah, but starting from Germany you'd end up in the middle of the Atlantic, or somewhere in Russia, depending on the direction you'd face upon propelling. I don't think you could drink enough to make it to NZ in one f... ehrm, hop.

[oldchippy]

A Fairy Story

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."

[oldchippy]

Counselling - Southern Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[pike]

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.


DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[martindwilson]

for those who don't speak transportese
stubby----A short glass bottle used for beer
Esky ----is brand of cool box
ute----Utility Vehicle or properly a pick up truck
dunny---outdoor toilet
cummer- bund actually cummerbund is a broad waist sash normally worn with a dinner jacket(rarely seen in Australia,As in "there's more chance of seeing an Australian in a dinner jacket old boy,than England winning the world cup"")
roo---Roo is a fictional character created by A. A. Milne ,a baby kangaroo

[zbor]

How do you call a person who speaks more than one language? - Polyglot.
How do you call a person who speaks only one language? - American.

[davegugg]

A few at the expense of Microsoft:

1) Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

2)
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
.

[oldchippy]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something s*xy to a tractor"

[Andrew-R]

1) Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

The one I heard was...

Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None - they just redefine darkness as the industry standard.

[Saarang84]

The one that can misinterpreted in different ways...

f _ _ _ the f _ _ _ before the f _ _ _ f _ _ _ s you!!

[TMS]

f _ _ _ the f _ _ _ before the f _ _ _ f _ _ _ s you!!

In a similar vein, I once heard a builder quite eloquently describing a broken piece of equipment as:

"the f...ing f...er's f...ing f...ed"

[teylyn]

I bet he felt better after that! I can almost see the stress cloud dissolving while uttering such a sentence.

[oldchippy]

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of both Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now!


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

[romperstomper]

In a similar vein, I once heard a builder quite eloquently describing a broken piece of equipment as:

"the f...ing f...er's f...ing f...ed"

Try John Cooper Clarke's poem "Evidently Chicken Town".

[Andrew-R]

Or the classic scene in series 1 of The Wire, where McNulty and Bunk re-investigate a murder scene.

[6StringJazzer]

How do you call a person who speaks more than one language? - Polyglot.
How do you call a person who speaks only one language? - American.

Call me anything you want, just don't call me late for dinner.

P.S. A native English speaker would say, "What do you call..."

[thomasjackson1]

GOOD OLD DAYS
When I was a child, my mother would send me down to the corner store with a 10 Rs, and I'd come back with
five Kgs of potatoes,
two loaves of bread,
three packs of milk,
a pack of cheese,
a packet of tea,
and half a dozen eggs....

You can't do that now.
Too many damn security cameras!!":-D

[martindwilson]

P.S. A native English speaker would say, "What do you call..."

i wouldn't bet on it lol

[6StringJazzer]

i wouldn't bet on it lol

Really? I'm American, have been to England a couple of times, have known a few Aussies, and have never heard that turn of phrase. Here, if you ask someone

How do you call a person who speaks only one language?

The answer is, "Well, just pick up the phone and call, same as anybody else!"

[squiggler47]

8 years in the US and native to England, its funny what you dont hear, it wasnt until I moved back to the UK I noticed Jay Leno had an Accent!

[martindwilson]

try wotcha call, !!!!!!!!!!!!

[davegugg]

For all you American Football fans out there:

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.

Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

[davegugg]

The Transportation Security Administration recently implemented new search routines at airports. There is growing public controversy over pat downs and full body scans at airports, The TSA Administrator stated that “there is a continual process of refinement and adjustment to ensure that best practices are followed.” To go along with this change in policy, a series of TSA airport signs are about to be released, with catchy slogans:
"Can't see London, can't see France - unless we see your underpants."
"Grope discounts available."
"If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first."
"Don't worry - my hands are still warm from the last guy."
"Wanna fly? Drop your fly!"
"We are now free to move about your pants."
"We rub you the wrong way, so that you can be on your way."
"It's not a grope, it's a freedom pat."
"We handle more packages than the UPS."

[davegugg]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed...

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed...

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed...

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest chest.

[martindwilson]

married the one with the biggest chest

must be this one as i calculate she would need a 6x6x8 ft chest? NO?

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much

[Alf]

“Go forth and multiply” Noah said to the creatures as they disembarked.

The snakes were worried. “How can we multiply when we are adders?”

But the vise owl asked the beavers for help and the beavers made log tables. Thus making it possible for adders to multiply.

[pike]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[pike]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are over 60,000 billions of stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit - the target.

The future isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it than when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[NBVC]

*** Thank You for Your Email

As we have finished the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational Emails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery!

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and Google are sending me for participating in their special Email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an Email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a *** molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this Email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their Email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by Email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Now you all have yourselves a very good day, and have a great New Year!

[Mordred]

That was great NBVC.

[pike]

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[pike]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

[6StringJazzer]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, where did I come from?"

The father figures it's finally the time he's dreaded, and launches into a detailed explanation of what happens when a mommy and daddy decide to have a baby, and everything else from conception to gestation to epidurals. At the end of it all the father looked exhausted but took pride in maintaining his composure and the quality of his explanation.

Then the boy looks at him and says, "That's funny, Bobby said he came from Wisconsin."

[teylyn]

funny dots inserted in some words to prevent the keyword scanner from replacing with ***

"Daddy, what is s.e.x?", the boy asks his father.

The Father blushes, takes a deep breath. "Here we go! --
"Uhmm, s.e.x is, well, when a man and a woman really like each other and they ...."

The explanation goes on for a few minutes, with the father quite uncomfortable. Finally, when everything has been explained, he exhales and looks at his son expectantly.

The boy is still puzzled.

"But what do I write in this registration form here? It says 'Name, date of birth, s.e.x'"

[pike]

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[zbor]

A man and wife having S*X..
And she said: Ohh... Tell me dirty things...
He said: Windows, laundry, kitchen, floors...

[Grimace]

A man walks into a book store and sheepishly approaches the young lady working at the counter ...

"Ummm excuse me miss ... I'm ... ummmm ... looking for a self help book ...... that's errrrrhhhhhh, dealing with men with ..... ummmmmmm ..... small "Packages".

The staff member says " Ohhh, I don't think it is in yet"

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one, can I grab a copy !!!"

[pike]

Two Aussies flew to New Zealand on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Mountains for a week hunting Deer.

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four Deer.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the Deer bodies, Daveo and Johno survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Daveo asked Johno, "Any idea where we are?"

Johno replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year

[6StringJazzer]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[bluerog]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- deadly silence --
HUSBAND: "Poooooooop."

And you know that's not what he said...

[6StringJazzer]

A husband and wife are sitting in bed. The husband has a laptop in his lap, and the wife is dressed in a scanty negligee. The husband types away frantically alternating between multiple windows. The wife sidles up to him and starts running her fingers through his hair. The husband continues, utterly focused on the task at hand. The wife removes the negligee. The husband clicks ALT-F11, types feverishly, then hits F8 several times, hovering the mouse in various locations in between. The wife leans over him, glancing at the screen to see what he's doing.

"Who the hell is 6StringJazzer and what could you possibly be doing that is more interesting than having s/e/x with me? It's bad enough you play that damn guitar all the time."

[Blake 7]

"Who the hell is 6StringJazzer and what could you possibly be doing that is more interesting than having s/e/x with me? It's bad enough you play that damn guitar all the time."

made me smile...........

[ConneXionLost]

You may be living in Canada if:

* Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May.
* Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there.
* You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
* You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number.
* "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend.
* You measure distance in hours.
* You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
* You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
* You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
* You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
* You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
* You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
* The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
* You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
* You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
* You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly.
* If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada!

[pike]

I got pulled over last night at midnight. The copper said " ....and where are you going?"
I said " I'm on my way to a lecture on the effects of drugs and alcohol on the human body."
The Cop said "Rubbish!..who gives lectures at this time of night!"
I said "The wife!"

[NBVC]

Telephone Rings.... **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**


Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



****Longer Pause*****



*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ............**


**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number.........*

[pierre08]

Hey guys,
here is some STUPID QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
>> >>>>
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
>> >>>>
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
>> >>>>
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
>> >>>>
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
>> >>>>
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
>> >>>>
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
>> >>>>
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
>> >>>>
WIFE :You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
>> >>>>
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
>> >>>>
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
>> >>>>Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
>> >>>>
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
>> >>>>
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
>> >>>>
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
>> >>>>
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
>> >>>>
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
>> >>>>
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
>> >>>>
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Enjoy.

[pike]

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still
shaking Driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the
daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so
badly.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely MY
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab . .. . . . . . . I've been
driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

[NBVC]

I don't have an iPod or iPhone so I don't know how bad the autocorrect really is.. but I almost literally was ROFL'ing reading through the gems on this site:

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

[protonLeah]

No one ever laughs at my jokes, they just look at me funny.

[davegugg]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, it was $96 so there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office. Sincerely, Edna"

[davegugg]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

[davegugg]

Let's laugh at LeBron:

-Did you know LeBron has been writing an autobiography for 8 years now? It's on hold because he can't come up with a Title!

-I asked Lebron James for a dollar. He gave me .75 cents and I asked, "Where's the rest?" He answered, "I don't have a fourth quarter."

-LeBron will get a ring someday... If he gets married.

-Monday is National Lebron James Day.
Everyone gets to quit 12 minutes early.

-Apple is coming out with a new LeBron James iPhone. It's only able to vibrate because it has no rings.

-Why does LeBron only get served boneless buffalo wings?
Because he has a tendency to choke!

-Maybe LeBron should try hockey. The NHL only has three periods.

[zbor]

Maybe quotes from Lord of the Ring will help.


Because... because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the ring he wants; it's all he cares about.

[darkyam]

I'd rather start a team with LeBron's bathtub than with LeBron. At least the bathtub has a ring.

[TMS]

Change of theme ...

A joke ... but a little bit lost on the audience ;-)


Here is a quick lesson on things not to say to the Dalai Lama.

It comes at the expense of Australian "Today" show anchor Karl Stefanovic, who sat down recently with Tibetan guru during his ongoing tour of the continent down under. Cue awkwardness:

"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop," said Stefanovic, face to face with the revered 75-year-old on adjacent sofas--there was a bit of a translation hiccup, but his holiness sorted out the meaning of "pizza shop" with the help of a nearby aide--"and says, 'Can you make me one with everything?' "

One with everything, as in "all the toppings," but also, as in "pure bliss," or "communion with the Universe." Get it? The Dalai Lama didn't. He just sort of squinted and and looked off to the side and asked: "What's that?"

But Stefanovic gave it another try, this time incorporating hand gestures: "Can you make me ONE ... with EVERYTHING?"

Strike two! But at least one of them was laughing--Stefanovic, at himself, for attempting such a bad joke with a world spiritual leader who speaks broken English.

"Oh I knew that wouldn't work," he said, bowing his head and covering his eyes in resignation.

So if you ever meet the Dalai Lama, probably best not to go the grade-school humor route. You can watch the cringe-inducing video above.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI...layer_embedded

It made me laugh ;-))

[Domski]

I bought my son an iPad and my daughter and iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook ,iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped the iShag function.

Dom

[darkyam]

You might want to update your iDiot app.

[davegugg]

The Recession is really hitting everybody hard!

Yesterday I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I saw a polygamist with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her. A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

[ron2k_1]

I bought my son an iPad and my daughter and iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook ,iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped the iShag function.

Dom

I bet she hasn't given you any iFun since then...

[ron2k_1]

Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Dolly, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[ron2k_1]

If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport - you’ll get a free x-ray, a pat-down including breast exam.

And if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy.

And if you need a second opinion, just say that you want to change flights and you'll get a second colonoscopy.

[ron2k_1]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

[davegugg]

An elderly couple was sitting on the porch.

The aging gent said, "During the last 50 years, whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How have you managed to control your temper all these years?"

His wife replied, "I just go and clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

[Whizbang]

An elderly couple was sitting on the porch.

The aging gent said, "During the last 50 years, whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How have you managed to control your temper all these years?"

His wife replied, "I just go and clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

The joke's on her if they ever kissed. Mmm... Toilet breath kisses.

[6StringJazzer]

And don't ever **** off the hotel maid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJTxb0k_wiE

Edit: Forgot about the censoring. Don't ever get her angry.

[Whizbang]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent..

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, No! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[ConneXionLost]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up some jewellery to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you". Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

[NBVC]

The care the owners put towards the success of this Forum!

[davegugg]

WIFE'S DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[Mordred]

Hahaha, Dave, greate one and probably accurate.

[Simon Lloyd]

The care the owners put towards the success of this Forum!

Haha! probably the best one liner yet!

[davegugg]

Here are some "Universal Laws"

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to piddle.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[davegugg]

"Get this," said one drinker to his friends at the bar, "Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a kick in the groin. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

[zbor]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.
I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril.
The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a s e x change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

[Domski]

Saw a chameleon this morning. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty sh!t chameleon.

[Domski]

Steve Jobs resigns from Apple. Company shocked to the core.

[Colin Legg]

Will Apple crumble?

[Mordred]

No, Apple will always maintain a piece of the pie!

[Domski]

My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

[Mordred]

My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

LoL, good one!

[Domski]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[inayat]

One guy goes to a chemist...
Guy: Please give me Poison
Chemist: I can not give it without a prescription
Guy: I am married
Chemist: (Getting Emotional)... Dude... please dont make me cry... Do u want a small bottle or a big one...

[Domski]

If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

[zbor]

Banned for twisting Tetris point...
D'oh, wrong topic...

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y_-vsHvPBE

[inayat]

Waiting on the Trooper's arrival after speeding over 100 miles per hour:
The Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

[inayat]

@zbor... awesome...

[martindwilson]

crime in multi-storey car parks is just wrong on so many levels

[Domski]

I am following the French Army on Twitter. Only because they are very likely to retweet.

[RxMiller]

At a wedding reception, the announcement was made: For our next toast, please stand by the person that has made all the difference in your life, who is always there for you, and who you can always depend on.
(or something like that...)

Needless to say, the bartender was instantlly crushed to death.

[davegugg]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that...you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[davegugg]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Domski]

I had a dizzy spell at work today. I used it on my boss and she fell down the stairs.

Dom

[zbor]

Weather is disastrous... Raining fifth day now... My wife is totaly depresed.
Just standing and staring through the window.

If rain don't stop in next few days I'll have to let her in the house.

[NBVC]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"


The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."


Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"


Kid says, "One."


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"


Kid says, "$101,237.64."


Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold this guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him boat and truck?"


Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.’ "

[davegugg]

This simple site parodies various government warning signs relating to terrorist activities.

[abousetta]

They should lose the one on Michael Jackson... it isn't really right to make fun of dead people.

[Mordred]

They should lose the one on Michael Jackson... it isn't really right to make fun of dead people.

Depending on perception and context it can be alright! Besides, he definitely wasn't "all there"!

[ConneXionLost]

For our American friends:

Rick and the robot

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh...... 'bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...
y-o-u-r...
p-e-o-p-l-e...
r-e-a-l-l-y
g-o-i-n-g...
t-o...
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...
R-i-c-k... P-e-r-r-y?

[abousetta]

Mordred, I agree, but its better not to speak ill of the dead. I remember one of the late-night comedy shows had the Reverand (somebody, can't remember the name) and they were talking about Michael Jackson soon after his dead. The comedian was trying to crack jokes about Michael's life and past quirky experiences, but the Reverand was not at all amuzed. He sort of shrugged it off. Also I didn't hear any laughs from the audience. Had Michael been alive, I'm sure it would have been a totally different environment.

[shg]

abousetta, I don't disagree, but expect that your feelings spring as much from cultural differences as anything else. Joking about dead people by westerners distances us from recognition of our own own mortality, which we prefer not to dwell on. For people who don't live in Texas, and will never live if Texas, the fear is especially acute that they have lived a life without meaning.

[Domski]

Really??? No desire to myself in the slightest.

[abousetta]

shg I agree that cultural differences may play a part but even in the US you don't see hear any more jokes directed toward Michael Jackson. Before they were nonstop day in and day out.

[shg]

Only because it's old news, ab. Jokes when he was alive were endemic, and after he died, differed only in being darker. Americans are largely iconoclasts by nature, and MJ was the ultimate icon to clast.

Domski is in denial about Texas. Most of us are pretty certain God is from the Pecos, which doesn't bode well for people from the UK. We assume He does Excel which, gives dll, Colin, and a few others a shot at a pleasant eternity.

[teylyn]

According to this



it might be wise to stay away from Waco, though

[Blake 7]

I've got a joke --- Englands first half performance against Scotland. I've got a tenner on ashton to score a hatrick @ 33/1 seemed like a good idea YESTERDAY!

[zbor]

About Texas:
1.. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2.. Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
3.. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
4.. There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.
5.. Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
6.. Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
7.. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
8.. Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
9.. You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
10.. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Texas has 5 seasons:

a.. Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
b.. Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
c.. Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
d.. Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
e.. Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1
f.. Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15

More about Texas:
1.. The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
2.. Onced and Twiced are words
3.. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
4.. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
5.. Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
6.. Coldbeer is one word.
7.. People actually grow and eat Okra.
8.. Texans really don't have an accent.
9.. When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
10.. Green grass DOES burn.
11.. When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
12.. The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
13.. When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
14.. Fixinto is one word.
15.. A tank is a hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.
16.. Backards and Forards means I know everything about you.
17.. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
18.. And the most important thing......There's no place I'd rather be than in Texas!

[Domski]

Aren't Texans just Mexicans that can swim?

[zbor]

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johhny Cash.
Now we have No jobs, No hope and No cash.

[davegugg]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
Later, I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

[6StringJazzer]

Yeah, I can relate. I used to work on spreadsheets but my boss said I just didn't excel.

[NBVC]

*** Halloween



A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.



A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:



Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.



Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and with your bald head, you should really look the part.



Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.



The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:



Dear Sir, We have tried our very best. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up you’re a*s and go as a caramel apple.



Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

[Andrew-R]

Doris is sick of her husband, Fred, going out drinking with his mates every night and, one Halloween she has a plan to make him change his ways.

She knows that he always takes a short-cut home through the cemetery, so she hires the scariest devil costume she can find and lies in wait for him behind a gravestone, clutching a firework.

Shortly before midnight she hears Fred's voice echoing through the graveyard, raised in drunken song. She lights the firework and leaps out onto the path in front of him, accompanied by the smoke and bang of the cracker.

"Fred," she says, "I am the devil, come to claim your soul, unless you repent your wicked ways".

Fred steps forward and stretches his arm out for a handshake, "Pleased to meet you, mate. I married your sister".

[davegugg]

With this Halloween pun, I'd like to stress that I don't make these up, I just pass them along:

An old man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears, "Bump....BUMP...BUMP...."

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him,
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping, "Clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP..."

On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and, the coffin stops.

[TMS]

@Dave ... don't apologise, just don't post them ... the coffin stops, good grief

[Domski]

Is it wrong to give negative rep for bad jokes?

Dom

[davegugg]

Hey, I know it's corny, but it certainly isn't the worst one on this thread.

[Whizbang]

Why did the ghost cross the road?

...


To get to The Other Side.

[Domski]

On my recent trip to France the cheese factory we were visiting collapsed. We were stuck under de Brie for hours.

Dom

[davegugg]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"The first," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came into the office today."

[davegugg]

Betty and Barney have a dog named Tuffy that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, Betty goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells Betty to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. She tosses and turns unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, Betty goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough the dog stops snoring. Betty is amazed!
Later that night, Barney returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
Betty thinks maybe a ribbon will work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's.
Amazingly, it also works on him! Betty sleeps soundly.
A few hours later Barney awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to Tuffy's.
He shakes his head and looks at Tuffy and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got First and Second place!"

[davegugg]

(Someone forwarded this letter along. I will let you decide if it is factual or not.)
The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:
Dear Valued Customer:
As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a nightmare would be a massive understatement.
Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it's understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the crotch.
That's why we are writing to you today with a simple message: "Our bad." And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately. All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.
You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.
If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips. (Prices on request.)
Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee. We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we'll do it in a way you won't notice.
Sincerely, Bank of America

[pike]

AN kiwi GHOST STORY


John Bradford, a Christchurch University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.



Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
So, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
And out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
Crying... And wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....




Look Bro....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[Andrew-R]

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette, are out in their car when, suddenly, the devil himself lands on the front of the car and leers at them through the windscreen.

"Quick, Sister Mary!" yells Sister Bernadette, "Show him your cross!"

So Sister Mary leans out of the window and yells, "Get off the ******* bonnet, you ******!"

[zbor]

http://images.piccsy.com/cache/image...56-500-608.jpg

[davegugg]

We always hear about problems with third world countries. What about problems in first world countries?
"My hand is too fat to shove into the Pringles container so I have to tilt it."
"I didn't have a lousy childhood, so I can't turn my pain into art."
"I had too much food for lunch and now I'm tired."
"I forgot to bring my phone with me to the bathroom and I was bored the whole time."
"I'm kind of hungry, but my roommate has guests over so if I go into the kitchen I'll have to introduce myself."
"My laptop battery is low, but the charger is way over there."
"The Domino Pizza Tracker app is not working, so I don't know when to put my pants on."
"I can't hear the TV while I'm eating crunchy snacks."
"I'm trying to text while at a red light, but I keep making all the greens."
"My GPS made me drive through the ghetto."
"I have to find my own girlfriend because my culture doesn't practice arranged marriages."

[davegugg]

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rump of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[GeneralDisarray]

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a poop in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "excuse me, do you have the problem of poop sticking to your fur?"

"why no" answer the rabbit "can't say that i do"

So the bear wipes his a$$ with the rabbit.

[pike]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into
a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically, it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis.

[darkyam]

^That one's pretty painful, pike.

[pike]

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[6StringJazzer]

"These are my khakis.

Was he from Boston?

[NBVC]

*** The Conductor I



A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.



Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer...which must be why you play the drums."



A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."





*** The Conductor II



There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director. In the orchestra was this guy on the cymbals who never banged them at the right time. So the conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you."



When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn't. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.



Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executioner flipped the switch, but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.



But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, "I never was a very good conductor!"





*** The Conductor III



The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, the bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.



The concert progressed with the conductor growing more disturbed as the bass entrance approaches and there were no bassists on stage. At the last moment the tipsy string players stumble on stage and knock down the conductor's music stand, sending the score flying into the audience.



As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the Ninth, no score and the basses were loaded.

[darkyam]

I like that third one.

[NBVC]

Places I Have Been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and mostly work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!


I have been in Deepsh*t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[Domski]

Some bird with really long legs keeps following me around. I think I'm being storked!

[darkyam]

One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who didn't whine or nag or manipulate...but as I said, that was a long, long time ago, and only for one day.

[TMS]

@darkyam: you telling jokes or just reminiscing?

[darkyam]

Hahahaha! I'm a little too young to be reminiscing like that...and also too young to have found a woman like that.

[zbor]

Then I guess I'm a lucky man. Because I alwazs have last word in my house ("Yes, dear").

[pike]

Yes dear two words every happliy married man knows

[darkyam]

Reminds me of this one:
A man comes into work one morning and it comes out in conversation that he had a fight with his wife the night before. "But," he added proudly, "I'll have you know that the fight ended with her crawling to me on her hands and knees." His male colleagues are in awe and then one asks, "Really? What did she say?"

"She said, 'Get out from under that bed, you coward!'"

[Kyle123]

haha reminds me of this one:

A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line was a sign which read "For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives." The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, "For Men Who Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one man in that line.

Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, "Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for "Men Who Dominated Their Wives?"

"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."

[davegugg]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

[Mordred]

As I was told at my wedding (when I graciously married my wife ), I wear the pants in the house ----- but my wife always picks them!

[davegugg]

Adding the word "up" to the end of that sentence would bring an entire different meaning to that saying.

[Mordred]

Yes it would Dave, it would also lead to the doghouse which at times is a nice place to visit (I'm just sayin).

[vlady]

WIFE: I told you ....DON'T BRING YOUR JOB HOME!!!!!!.
Husband: Sorry hon Christmas is coming, I have to work harder.
Wife:Oh!!!! Your the only mortician I know that brings home his job.

[zbor]

occasional

[ConneXionLost]

A Warning: Careful with that holiday cheer...

I would like to share an experience with you all; it’s about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some folks have been known to have brushes with the authorities on their way home from the odd social occasion over the years. You may know one of these folks, or you might even be one of them.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few pre-Christmas drinks with some friends; I’m afraid I had a few too many glasses of wine, along with some rather nice claret. Strongly suspecting that I could have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before: I took a bus home!

It was actually a fine ride. I’ll admit, though, it was a relief to arrive home safely and without incident. It was the first time I’d ever driven a bus - and I’m still not sure where I got that one.

[ConneXionLost]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


My wife and I were watching who "Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s*x?'

"No," she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply repeating, "No."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...


_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... something always more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's when the fight started...


_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started...


______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


My wife, having removed all her clothing, was looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... something always more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's when the fight started.


________________________________


Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

[teylyn]

We had an office Christmas party the other day, and pulled Christmas crackers. The joke slips were -- well -- not really all that crackling, but my 8-yr old is really into that kind of thing, so I collected the paper slips with the jokes and took them home for his enjoyment. It was fun to see him go through the slips and cackle. His favourite three were:

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? -- In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a crate of ducks? -- A box of quackers.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? -- Lost.

Isn't it great to be eight years old?

[JO505]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


(scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love s*x.

The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[pike]

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[pike]

A man was* walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty* and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of* dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted* ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some* beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking* years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go* fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't* waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my* time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green* fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are* you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20* years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light* district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would* I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless* man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the* money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner* cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't* your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I* probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's* okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he* has given up beer, fishing, golf and* ***."

[vlady]

lol!!
can you give me a bottle plleeaaaassssssseeeeee.
Cheers.

[arlu1201]

A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip - three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

[Paul]

I don't get it. ::shrug::

[shg]

With about half the children in the world born to single mothers, the concept and opprobrium of being a ba$tard has kind of fallen by the wayside.

[Paul]

Opprobium.. nice one. Word of the day on your tissue paper roll?

[TMS]

I've got sudoku puzzles on my toilet roll ...

[OnErrorGoto0]

It depends somewhat on in which part of the world you are.

[TMS]

Why ... Don't you have sudoku where you live?

[OnErrorGoto0]

I was referring to shg's comment. Though it may indeed be frowned upon in Japan to use sudoku in that way.

[shg]

Japan is the shining exception; 2%. Iceland, 66%.

[Mordred]

I've never understood the use of printed tissue paper! Given that terms and words will vary depending on demographics, I understand tissue paper to be what you would blow your nose with. That being said, what is the point of having something printed (like sudoku) just to blow out your gingly greens! Don't even get me started on toilet paper!

[TMS]

Just a natural extension of recycling. And the paper in the sudoku books is too stiff ... to blow your nose on, or whatever. And it doesn't flush very easily either ... or so I believe ...

[Mordred]

Just a natural extension of recycling. And the paper in the sudoku books is too stiff ... to blow your nose on, or whatever. And it doesn't flush very easily either ... or so I believe ...

I'm curious, do you ever complete the Sudoku problems before you use the tissue paper? If so, don't you get ink on your face (and bum)? <--Too far perhaps?

[TMS]

Pretty much depends on how difficult the puzzle and how much time I've got.

Anyway, if you use a biro it's not that likely to smudge ...

(I think we're running the risk of becoming extremely distasteful)

[Mordred]

So many questions about this to ask but I definitely do not want to become distasteful doing it. LoL, oh well, I'll just have to make guesses or iterate through some tests on my own (nope, not going to do it).

[tigeravatar]

https://www.google.com/search?q=sudo...w&ved=0CFcQrQQ

[Mordred]

Holy catch a cow, one roll for $20!!

[TMS]

@ta: the very thing!

[pike]

Yes remember we have a lot of young members visiting the site.

[teylyn]

pike, you mean there's a market for sudoku bog rolls for kids?

[OnErrorGoto0]

Pudoku perhaps.

[teylyn]

Nice one, R!

[TMS]

@teylyn:

there's a market for sudoku bog rolls for kids?

If my kids were anything to go by, I'm pretty sure there is.

[pike]

Pudoku or fart will keep them Giggling for days

[teylyn]

Any bog roll prints in my household with pre-teen boys would have to say:

- Sit down! (Doing it standing up is only cool in the woods.)
- Flush! (The other members of your family have a sense of smell!!)

Elaborating any more would be too much information.