The Joke Thread

[Alf]

Reading the last 6 - 8 post I do think we need a "Master of the Rolls" if this goes on.

Alf

[ConneXionLost]

Other People's Code

[arlu1201]

Nice one...CL...

[pike]

Thank Lord Krishna the joke thread is still working!!!

[zbor]

No comment

[tigeravatar]

Famous Cells and Ranges
A1 The steak sauce cell
IM21 The legal drinking age cell
K9 The dog cell
AK47 The assault weapon cell
IV2 The second intravenous solution cell
B9 The malignant cell
HI5 The alternate handshake cell
AH:HA The discovery range
F16 The fighter jet cell
AM:FM The radio range
ET2 The Brute' cell
AW42 The root beer for two cell
BU:BU The erroneous range
BY:BY The farewell range
IC2 The double-vision cell
IQ100 The average intelligence cell
HO:HO The Santa Claus range
GO2 The destination cell
FU2 The same to you cell
EX2 The second former spouse cell
CU8 The oil-rich country cell
BU10 The shirt fastener cell
BC49:BD1 The '96 Presidential Election results range
AG1:GB1 The '00 disputed Florida vote range
T42 The old soft-shoe cell
U2 The Irish rock group cell
BI123 The Lotus marketing slogan cell
C4 The explosive cell
V8 The vegetable juice cell
R2:D2 The android range
I1:U1 The tied game cell
AP:ES The Simian range
H8:U2 The ex-wife range
IN2:CA9 The dog-lover range
AC:DC The electric range
D84:U2 The double date range
I812 The Monica Lewinsky meets Linda Lovelace cell
I12:CU2 The "when can we meet" cell

(From http://j-walk.com/ss/jokes/famous.htm)

[Mordred]

This link

[Domski]

Excel Forum at the moment.

I thank you, I'm here all week waka waka!

[zbor]

Small school of Croatian language....

If you would use Google translator for: Women are women and women should drive a car (on Croatian: zene su zene i zene bi trebale voziti auto) you will get:
Women are women and women should not drive a car.

Also, if you use: Men are men and men should clean the house (on Croatian: muškarci su muškarci i muškarci bi trebali ocistiti kucu) (hint: š = sh in english)

result is: men are men and women should clean the house

Don't we have a great language

[Mordred]

FU2 The same to you cell

Haha, I finally can see this page and this is what I get to read

[masond3]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a *****!"

[TMS]

Sadly (?), the last joke lost something in translation (in the censorship mill). I suspect that I get the drift though

[Domski]

The pen is mightier than the sword

Dom

[masond3]

There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea - break on a building site the Englishman pipe's up if my wife put's Cheese on my sandwich's again Iam going to kill myself and the Scotsman say's if my wife put's Egg on my sandwich's again I will kill myself and the Irishman say's if I find Gammon on my sandwich's again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich's are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part's of the site and kill themselve's later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman's wife say's if he diddn't want cheese on his sandwich's he should have told me and this wouldn't have happened then the Scotsman's wife come's away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich's then the Irishman's wife pipe's up I can't understand this, Paddy make's his own sandwich's.

[teylyn]

mason, here are a few full stops and commas:

........
,,,,,,

Maybe you can use them in your next post.

Also, some words and word forms end with the letter "s" and do not need an apostrophe; notably, the third person singular verb forms (she puts, he pipes up, he says, he makes) and plural forms (sandwiches, parts, themselves).

Not everybody would have gotten "the Englishman's wife" correct, so congratulations on that.

[martindwilson]

@tiger i worked on a phone system once where the hex display for a fault was F0,that just about said everything

[darkyam]

I think we could all use a good laugh right now...those of us still here anyway. The following are taken from real courtroom transcripts:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

_____

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

_____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

_____

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

_____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

[pike]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.





When chemists die, they barium.





Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.





I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop
any time.





How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.





I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
me.





This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.





I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.





I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.





They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.





PMS jokes aren't funny; period.





Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.





We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope
there's no pop quiz.





I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.





I heard about a cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?





When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.





Broken pencils are pointless.





I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.





Is a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary called a thesaurus?





England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.





I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.





I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.





All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.





I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.





Velcro - what a *** off!





A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy





Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

[s.murphy]

A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

[pike]

Singers of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby-boomers ....






New Releases Include:

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker




Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends





The BeeGees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?



Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face



Johnny Nash ---
I CAN'T See Clearly Now.




Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver




The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom




Procol Harum---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair





Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping




The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone



Abba---
Denture Queen




Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore



Lesley Gore---
It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To



And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

[NBVC]

Not really a joke, but funny how stupid some people are....


http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/sides...132717697.html

[pike]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

*

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little *******. Bites!

___________________________________________

*

*FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbors dog.

________________________________________________

*

*FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

_______________________________________________________

*

*COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.**

*Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________

*

*JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

*

*WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

[Crockettbu]

A guy walks into a bar...and says "Ouch!"

[judgeh59]

2 musicians walk by bar.....hey, it could happen!

Yes, I'm also a musician....

[davegugg]

From the great Brian Regan:
Did you that if you were to second guess your decision to book time to visit a Native American community, that would be a Reservation reservation reservation.

[xladept]

If you like your......he droned.

[FDibbins]

Turning into a vegetarian is a mis-steak

[Whizbang]

If you dress up as a cowboy, are you ranch dressing?

[DarthVader68]

Hi
=================================================
" Which would you rather be in - an explosion or a collision?"
" In a collision, anytime."
" Why?"
" Well, in a collision, there you are. In an explosion, where are you?"
=================================================

=================================================
How long a minute is? Depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
=================================================

=================================================
Sixty-day warranty guarantees that the products will self-destruct on the sixty-first day.
=================================================

=================================================
I had a terrible dream last night I dreamed I was awake all night.
=================================================

=================================================
The patient said to the psychiatrist, " I'm so unhappy. Nobody takes me seriously."
The psychiatrist said, " No kidding?"
=================================================

=================================================
A man called the coat firm of krupnik, krupnik, krupnik, and krupnik. He asked for Mr. krupnik. The voice at the receiving end said, " He's not in."
" All right, Let me talk to Mr. krupnik."
" He's not in."
" I'll talk to Mr. krupnik, then."
" He's not here."
" How about Mr. krupnik?"
" Speaking!"
=================================================

=================================================
Do you want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a telegram saying, "Disregard the first telegram."
=================================================

=====================================
Passenger: Please don't drive so fast. You frighten me taking curves like that!
Driver: Just close your eyes, like I do

=====================================
A boy wrote this letter home from camp:
Dear Mom and Dad:
Gue$$ what I need? Plea$se $end $ome $oon.
Be$t Wi$he$,
Your $on $ammy.

His parents wrote back:
Dear Sammy:
NOthing much is happening here. Please write aNOther letter
soon. Bye for NOw.
Love,
Mom and Dad

=====================================
He: I'm giving you these sweets because you're the sweetest thing in the world.
She: Thanks--I got you these nuts!

=====================================
We have a really great watch dog. Last week he watched the garage burn down, then he watched somebody steal our car, then he watched...

=====================================
Teacher: Does anyone know what illegal means?
Tony: I can, it means a sick bird

=====================================
Once upon a time this lion ate a bull and he felt so good that he roared and roared. This hunter heard him and killed him with one shot.
Moral: When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

=====================================
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar,
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
That boar that bored him on the moor.
And so one morn he bored the boar --
That boar will bore the bear no more!

=====================================
"Don't touch that box!" said the zookeeper to the curious
little boy. "I've got a twenty-foot snake in there."
The kid frowned. "Don't give me that baloney! Everyone knows
that snakes don't have feet

=====================================
The father lion said, "Son, what are you doing?"
"Chasing a hunter, Dad!"
"Well, stop it now! I've told you time and time again not
to play with your food!"

=====================================

=========================================
The longest word in the English language is the one that
comes after, "Now a word from our sponsor."
=========================================
Customer (in drug store)--"A mustard plaster."
Drug Clerk (force of habit)--"We,ve run out of mustard; how
about mayonnaise?"
=========================================
The bride said, " My little plum."
The groom said," My little peach."
The minister said, " I now pronounce you fruit salad!"
=========================================
A child came home from school in tears, explaining, " The kids say I look like a monkey."
" Forget it , " his mother said." Now eat your banana and go upstairs and comb your face!"
=========================================
We've just come up with a new anti- anti-anti-anti-missile. It has one drawback-it keeps shooting itself down.
=========================================
I know a garbage man who couldn't hold a wife. He kept bringing his work home.
=========================================
A doctor walked into the sleeping patient's room. The nurse asked. " What are we operating for?"
The doctor said, " two thousand dollars."
" You don't understand. I mean, what does he have?"
" I told you. two thousand dollars!"
=========================================
" Where have you been?"
" I moved."
" Where?"
" To a new place."
" Where's the new place?"
" Across the street from the old place."
" Where's the old place?"
" Across the street."
" From where?"
" The new place."
" Forget it!"
=========================================
Draftee: My name's Wright and you spelled it wrong twice. Two wrongs don't make it right.
company clerk: That's right.
draftee: But it's wrong.
clerk: If it's wrong, it can't be right.
draftee: you don't understand. My name's Wright.
clerk: How do you write it, Wright?
draftee: That's not right.
clerk: Then you don't write it Wright?
draftee: Right.
clerk: Next!
=========================================
He has the kind of car he shouldn't stop.
the minute he does, people think it's an accident!
=========================================
A funeral procession was winding its way down the main street of the town. A stranger asked the man next to him, " Whose funeral is it?"
The man answered, " The guy in the first car."
=========================================
" Do you drink coffee?"
" Every day."
" Doctors say it's a slow poison."
" It must be. I'm eighty-five!"
=========================================
" What's the matter with your brother?"
" He lost his wife and he's going crazy."
" Is he going to get married again?"
" No, he's not that crazy!"
=========================================
I know somebody who had a job testing sleeping pills. they fired him because he fell awake on the job!
=========================================
On a busy street, a man jumps into a cab and says, " Follow the car in front of you."
" I have to ," says the cabbie . " He's towing us!"
=========================================
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, " What's on the TV?"
I said, " Dust!"
=========================================
Talk about an absentminded man- yesterday he cut his finger and forgot to bleed!
=========================================
There was an absentminded professor who saw a sign on his door that said, " Back in thirty minutes. " So he sat down to wait.
=========================================
Recently a woman went through three red lights in a row. They were on the truck in front of her!
=========================================
" I almost got killed twice today."
" Once would have been enough!"
=========================================
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, " Did you miss a step?"
" No," he answers, " I hit every one of them!"
=========================================
" What," the judge asked the defendant,
" were you doing when the police came?"
" Waiting , sir."
" For what?"
" For money."
" Who was supposed to give you money?"
" The man I'd been waiting for."
" What did he have to give it to you for?"
" For waiting "
" Enough of this garbage! What do you do for living ?"
" I am a waiter."
=========================================
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the
doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't
budge. " Forget it ," the man finally said. " We'll never get this in."
The neighbor looked at him quizzically and said, " In?"
=========================================
An old man came into an office and asked the manager, " Can I see Eddie Carson? I'm his grandfather."
The manager said, " He's not here. He's at your funeral!"
=========================================
Conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
=========================================
Insurance covers everything except what happen.
=========================================
There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.
=========================================
A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try
to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster.
" And now what, my little man?" he asked.
" Now," said the boy, " run like hell."
=========================================
The first bug to hill a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
=========================================
The ship was sinking the captain called the passengers and crew and asked, " Is there any body who can really prey?"
One passenger said " I prey all the time."
Captain " Good terrific because we're short of one life preserver."
=========================================
A man went to his doctor who gave him six months to live, the man was unable to pay the bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
=========================================
A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, While the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager , six management consultants and one rower. In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the Americans company fired the rower.
=========================================
" I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. " First, the bad news , The blood test came back , and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
" Oh, no!" cried the client. " What is the good news?"
" Your cholesterol is down to 140."
=========================================
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss:" I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
" That's fine," roared the boss, " But where were you Monday and Tuesday?'
=========================================

He complained to a psychologist, "I can't remember many
things, I always keep forgetting things. What shall I do?" The
psychologist answered, "Pay me in advance!"
======================================================
He has three pairs of eyeglasses: one for near-sightedness,
one for far-sightedness, and a third reserved to look for the other
two
======================================================
A young mother requested her husband to take their
two-year-old baby for a walk. The husband was busy with a project,
but with a deep sigh (to let his wife know he was reluctant), he
got the baby carriage and started walking around the block in the
hot sun.
"Honey," called the his wife from the second-story window.
"Leave me alone!" he shouted back. "We're fine."
After an hour his wife once again shouted, "Honey."
"Well, what is it this time?" he answered in a gruff way.
"Is there any problem in the house?"
"Nothing, honey," replied his wife. "But you've been
wheeling little Suzie's doll the whole afternoon. Don't you think
it's time for the baby to have a turn
======================================================
TEACHER (on phone): You say Kenny has a fever and can't come to school? To whom am I speaking
VOICE: This is my father
======================================================
BOSS: What does this mean? Someone just called up and said you were sick and couldn't come to work today?
ERRING EMPLOYEE: Ha, Ha! The joke's on him, Boss. He was supposed to call tomorrow
======================================================
TEACHER: You missed school yesterday, didn't you Rod?
ROD: Not very much, Ma'am.
======================================================
What do you call it when the earth goes backwards?
Revearth.
======================================================
An enterprising executive put up a sign saying DO IT NOW! The next day, the cashier absconded with the contents of the safe, the secretary ran off with the boss's son, the office boy urinated in the coffee machine, and the rest of the staff went to a bail game!
======================================================
What is NBC?
A dumb way to start the alphabet
======================================================
"I know there are people in the world who do not love their
fellow human beings and I hate people like that!"
======================================================
What is the difference between a sick sailor and a blind man?
One can't go to sea; the other can't see to go.
======================================================
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the boy who sits next to me was.
===============================================

ZAX

[DarthVader68]

======================================================
One friend told another, "If you want to make a small fortune, look up my accountant."
The other man said, "He's that good?"
The man said, "No, but there's a cash reward for his arrest and conviction."
======================================================
Fred came running up to the hunting campsite, breathless. "Harry," he said panting, "are all the guys out of the woods yet?"
"Yes," Harry said.
"All six of them?"
"Right."
"And everybody's safe?"
"Yes," Harry said.
"In that case," Fred said proudly, "I've just shot a deer!"
======================================================
Q. Four men fell into the water, but only three of them got their hair wet. Why?
A. One of them was bald.
======================================================
Ann: I bumped into Fran a while ago.
Nan: Oh, was she happy to see you?
Ann: Not quite--we were both in our cars at the time
======================================================
When a schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach, his mom said, "Well, sit down and drink your tea. Your stomach hurts because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Afterward Dad came home from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
======================================================
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher
======================================================
What's the difference between a teacher and a train
engineer?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train
======================================================
Thweet Young Thing--"I need thome adhethive plasther."
Druggist--"What thickness?"
Thweet Young Thing--"Don't mock me, thir!"
======================================================
Customer to waiter: "Why is the steak so small? Last night I had one double this size."
Waiter: "Where did you sit?"
Customer: "Over by that window. But what does it matter?"
Waiter: "That's simple. We always serve large portions by
our windows. That's good advertising."
======================================================
"Doctor, I always feel like killing myself. What shall I do?"
"Leave it to me."
======================================================
MAN (to psychiatrist): I think I'm going nuts--I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, you must pull yourself together.
======================================================
A businessman known for his shady business tactics was counseling his son who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."
"Yes, Pop," the young man said. "And what's the second rule?"
"Don't give your word."
======================================================
An old farmer was once asked by a young man how it was he had become so rich.
"It is a long story," said the old man, "and while I'm telling it we may as well save the candle." And he put it out.
"You need not tell the story," said the youth. "I understand."
======================================================
A lady with a bad rash visited a dermatologist. It was the type of condition that had been present for some time.
"Have you been treated for this rash before?" inquired the doctor.
"Yes, by my druggist."
"And what sort of foolish advice did he give you?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, he told me to come to see you."
======================================================
The doctor smiled as he entered the room.
"You look much better today."
"Yes. I followed the directions on your medicine bottle."
"What were they?"
"Keep the bottle tightly closed."
======================================================
The pilot trainer said to his pupil, "Tomorrow, you'll begin flying solo."
"Really?" said the student. "How low is that?"
======================================================
They had new neighbors and the wife was interested in them.
In a few days she said:
"They seem a most devoted couple, John. He kisses her every
time he goes out, and even waves kisses to her from the sidewalk.
Why don't you do that?"
"Why don't I?" replied John. "Good heavens! I don't even
know her yet."
======================================================
Hunter: In Africa I used to hunt the wild lions on horseback.
Listener: That's astonishing. I didn't know that lions could ride horses.
======================================================
Jim: My wife says I look younger in this hat.
Bud: Oh, really? What is your age?
Jim: Fifty.
Bud: No, I mean without the hat!
======================================================
Q: When does a "B" come after "U"?
A: When you bother its nest
======================================================
TEACHER: Annie, will you please recite the alphabet?
ANNIE: A,B,C,D,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.
TEACHER: What happened to E,T?
ANNIE: Oh, he went back home.
======================================================
Dad was angry about Sonny's school report, "I've never read anything like it!" he raged. "It says here that you're nothing but a little terror! What does this mean?"
"It means, Dad," said the object of the report, "that I'm the son of a big terror."
======================================================

=======================================
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live!
DOCTOR: Wait for me, I'll be with you in a minute.
=======================================
The troops were being trained to jump from an airplane.
Rookie: "What if my parachute doesn't open?"
Instructor: "That is known as jumping to a conclusion."
=======================================
Three slight deaf old friends met one day.
"Windy, yes?" said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the second.
"Well, so am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a cup of tea."
=======================================
DOCTOR: Do you have problems making up your mind?
PATIENT: Yes and no.
=======================================
The guy in the repair shop said, "Here it is, Mr. Jones.
Your lawnmower is now in running condition. Just one precaution,
however. Don't ever lend it to a neighbor."
"That's just the problem," said Mr. Jones. "I am the
neighbor."
=======================================
Agent (to writer): I've got some good news and some bad news.
Writer: First tell me the good news.
Agent: Paramount just loved your story, just ate it up.
Writer: That's fantastic. And the bad news?
Agent: Paramount is my dog.
=======================================
Reassuring voice heard over the intercom of a jet plane:
"Ladies and gentlemen, please sit back and relax. This plane is
entirely automatic. Automatic pilot, automatic food services,
automatic landing devices. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go
wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...."
=======================================
Pilot: Pilot to control tower...pilot to control tower...I'm
now 300 miles from land ...at 600 feet and running out of
fuel...please give instructions...over."
Tower: Control tower to pilot...tower to pilot...repeat
after me...Our Father, who art in heaven
=======================================
The pilot spoke on the intercom.
"Uh ... ladies and gentleman, I've got some bad news for
you: the aircraft's been struck by lightning.
"But I've also got some good news: we'll still be reaching
the airport on time.
"There's another bad news though, the cabin, wings, and tail
section will be arriving separately."
=======================================
At the airport, a guy who was going to take the next plane to Dallas saw a scale. He put in a quarter, and a message popped out: You weigh 175 and you're on the way to Dallas.
Puzzled, the man placed another quarter, and the same message came out.
Really addled, he went into the men's room, combed his hair in a different way, and changed his sport jacket. He returned and tested the machine with another quarter.
This time the message was: You still weigh 175, and you just missed your flight to Dallas.
=======================================
The pilot's voice from the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, We'll be arriving in two hours Please relax, Everything's fine and the weather's good and Oh my god...!"
The passengers were so terrified, They started praying and shouting.
"Sorry!" Said the pilot, "I spilled my coffee, You gotta see my pants..."
A passenger screamed: "You gotta see the back of mine!"
=======================================
Where did you get those pants?
Pants-sylvania!
... the coat?
North Da-coat-a!
... the vest?
Vest-Virginia!
... the collar?
Collar-ado!
=======================================
Two men were sleeping in a swamp. One man yelled: "An alligator just bit my foot off."
The other said: "Which one?"
"How should I know," wailed the first, "they all look alike?"
=======================================
MAT: I'd like a pair of alligator shoes.
PIERRE: Oh, really? What size does your alligator wear?
=======================================
FRED: Teacher, I'm a good student and I deserve better than a "D".
TEACHER: Okay, what grade would you like then?
FRED: Let's see--what's that letter that comes after "A" again?
=======================================
Why is New Jersey known as 'The Garden State'?"
"Because everybody's guardin' their house, guardin' their
car, guardin' their kids ..."
=======================================
Teacher: Please spell Tennessee.
Student: Okay. One-a-see, two-a-see, three-a-see...
=======================================
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
Student: River or state?
=======================================
At an international engineering conference a Russian
questioned the man seated beside him where he came from.
"Why, I'm from the greatest country in the world," answered
the American proudly.
"Funny," observed his confused companion, "you don't sound
Russian."
=======================================
An American doughboy and a French poilu were parting at the
end of World War I.
"Au revoir!" said the poilu.
"What does that mean?" asked the doughboy.
"That's good-bye in French."
"Well, carbolic acid!" cried the doughboy.
"What does that mean?" the French soldier asked.
"That's good-bye in any language!" said the American.
=======================================
I love being an American. That's why I wear Italian suits,
eat French food, drive a Japanese car, and on holidays put out an
American flag made in Korea!
=======================================
"Doctor," the patient wailed, "you've removed my appendix
and my tonsils, but I still don't feel well!"
"Look, I've had enough out of you. . . ."
=======================================
A conversation between two women in a high society party:
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,"
said one lady. She then asked the second lady, "And how far
does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the answer. "All of our records were
lost in the Flood."
=======================================
"I wonder what our ancestors would think of our nation
today?"
"When I get to heaven, I'll ask them."
"What if they didn't go to heaven?"
"Then you ask them."
=======================================
Farmer (to new hired hand)--"Where's that mule I told you
to take out and have shod?"
New Hand--"Did you say 'shod'? I thought you said 'shot.'
I've just been buryin' her."
=======================================
A pilot said to the passengers: "I've got good news and bad news, The good news is that we are landing soon, The bad news is we're crash landing!"
=======================================
"Honney," Said a polite girl to her fiance, "Do you smoke?"
"No," Replied her fiance, "Only sometimes when I'm drunk while gambling!"
=======================================

=======================================
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did... peacefully... in his sleep,
not screaming like the passengers in the backseat of his car did.
=======================================

======================================================
Little Boy (on phone): My mom isn't home.
Caller: How about your father?
Little Boy: Not home either.
Caller: Who is home?
Little Boy: My sister.
Caller: Will you get your sister?
Little Boy: Okay ... (delay) ... I'm sorry, but you can't
talk to her.
Caller: Why not?
Little Boy: I can't get her out of her crib.
======================================================
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother," Why is the bride dressed in white?"
" Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. " And today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment. " So why is the groom wearing black
======================================================
What did the tie say to the hat?
"You go on ahead and I'll hang around"
======================================================
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Have an accident?
VICTIM: No, thanks, I just had one
======================================================
VISITOR: My friend was run over by a steamroller and he's
in this hospital. What room is he in?
NURSE: Room 105, 106, 107 and 108.
======================================================
MARY: How did you manage to crash your motorcycle?
GARY: You see that ditch over there?
MARY: Yes.
GARY: Well, I didn't
======================================================
JACK: Can you hear me Jim?
JIM: No!
======================================================
"Oh! Oh! I'm hit!"
"You shot bad, Tex?"
"You ever hear of anyone being shot good?"
======================================================
TEACHER: What was the greatest accomplishment of the Romans?
MARLO: Learning Latin.
======================================================

ZAX

[DarthVader68]

Did you like the jokes?

[zbor]

I don't read such long posts.
It would be more efficient to put just 2-3 jokes.

But great job

[DarthVader68]

I don't read such long posts.
It would be more efficient to put just 2-3 jokes.

But great job

Thx, But instead you can read 2-3 jokes everyday, just to entertain yourself, I don't want you to wait until I post more jokes, Now you can read more when ever you're bored :-)
ZAX

[xladept]

Hi ZAX,

I had never seen the "Revearth" before (as well as a couple of others)

[DarthVader68]

Hi ZAX,

I had never seen the "Revearth" before (as well as a couple of others)

Hope you liked them :-)

[TMS]

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.

[TMS]

Prison vs Work

I knew I was doing something wrong!!

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON..you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK....you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK

[TMS]

A Heart Warming Tale

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a builders gang turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a gang building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Jewsons ever bring us the f*ck!ng plasterboard."

[TMS]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

[TMS]

Every Mother's Nightmare

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the
bed.With much foreboding and trembling hands she opens and reads
it:

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I must tell you I have
decided to elope with my new boyfriend. He is so nice with all his body
piercing, tattoos and big motorbike. I've found real love and passion
Mum.

I'm pregnant too and Ahmed says we will be very comfortable in his
old caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with
me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone, so we'll be growing it
for us and his friends who are providing all the cocaine and ecstasy we
need.

In the meantime, we pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can
get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.

Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Judith



PS: Only kidding Mam, I'm over at Julie's house. I just wanted to show you
there are worse things in life than my school report, which you'll find
under the pillow.

[TMS]

Let the story begin....

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having s e x again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her bum.

[TMS]

A Cold Day in Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was
so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,
which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it.


Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[TMS]

New and Funny Words


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realise it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a s s h o l e.

[TMS]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', Dad?"

The father pondered for a moment, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid.
Then come back and tell me what you learned."

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?"

The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

Little Johnny then went to his older sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?"

The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

He then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', son?"

Johnny replied, "Yes - potentially we're sitting on two million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

[TMS]

Best Out of Office Auto Replies


1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

[Winon]

@TMS,

Excellent. LOL Keep it coming.

Congrats with your 40th wedding anniversary, despite your referral to Post#3 in the other thread!

Kind Regards.

[DarthVader68]

A man asked his friend to teach him how to be romantic so he told him to watch and learn, his friend sat with his wife outside, he said to his wife: "See the moon? you're much more beautiful than it!", his wife was satisfied and kissed him, the man said to his friend: "Thanks, now I know what I should say..".
The man went home and sat with his wife outside, he told her: "See the moon? My friend's wife is much more beautiful than it!"

An ant walked into a hospital, they asked it what is it here for, it replied: "I'm here to donate my blood to my uncle, the elephant"

ZAX

[TMS]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford . . . .

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But . . . . there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all . . . .
and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said . . . . "Wedding Cake."

[DarthVader68]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford . . . .

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But . . . . there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all . . . .
and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said . . . . "Wedding Cake."

Well played TMS =D
ZAX

[TMS]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities, near the coast of England . The transcript was released by the Ministry of Defence.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse...bugger off!

[TMS]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .


I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . .
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*gg*rs have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I gave her a big push and she fell over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
So I bought her some scales.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

[zbor]

There was a contest "Who is fastest builder" between American, Russian and Croat (need to tell a joke on my own )

Russian say: We are fastest. We start to build Trans-Siberian Railway in the morning and at evening there is train already running.
American say: We start to build 100 floors building in the morning and at evening people already moving in.
Croat say: We start to wine cellar in the morning and at evening everyone is drunk.

[TMS]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:



I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been accessing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.




A few moments later, a second text came in:.................................

>

> scroll

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[TMS]

In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, the Gypsy Mystic delivered extremely grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken and with tears starting to appear in the corners of her eyes, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She brushed away the tears, took a few deep breaths to compose herself, and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



For some reason, wives tend to like this joke...

[TMS]

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess”.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...I had s e x with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....

[TMS]

Norman finally has his own towing company - Look!

This is a very brief 24 second video - Turn sound up,

Try not to laugh!

Nothing left to chance?!

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/emb...SntGGm8U?rel=0

[john55]

Hello Trevor,
Thx, you made my day!

[DarthVader68]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:



I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been accessing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.




A few moments later, a second text came in:.................................

>

> scroll

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool lmfao
I like it lol
ZAX

[Winon]

Bob: "So, when are you marrying your girlfriend?"

Paddy: "Would have done it long ago, if it was not for her family problems"

Bob: "Family problems?"

Paddy: "Yes, her husband, and three kids."

[TMS]

That said, they made me laugh ...


As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don't guarantee safe s e x anymore ... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick b a s t a r d!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his p e n i s with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
The "lady" replies, "Hey dumb a s s, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[TMS]

Fancy Dress!!


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple.

[TMS]

When Grandma Goes to Court.


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cant build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[suha52]

huh nice well share some more like that.....!

[TMS]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And then I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there rude and n a k e d
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t!t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.


Apparently, not from Pam Ayres

[TMS]

Best Commercial - You Will Never Guess

I bet in a million years you will never guess
what this commercial is for ... BEFORE it ends.

It’s one of the best ads ever!!


http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_...oplay=1&loop=0

[TMS]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little **** head.

[AlKey]

I am sure many of us can relate to this. The first time I saw this video I just couldn't stop laughing. I hope you like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsAMRiSqKBI

[TMS]

TRUE FRIENDSHIP!

A man brings his best buddy at work home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 PM. His wife begins screaming at him and his buddy just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why did you bring him home?"

"Because he was thinking of getting married."

[TMS]

When you are pensioners.



The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --








(Continue below - This is great)









'THE TEETH'

[amthyst826]

Boy Baby and Girl Baby are in the hosptial

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "huh??"

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "What are you talking about?"

Boy Baby says "I have something under my nightie that you don't have under yours"

Girl Baby says "Oh yeah... let's see"

Boy Baby pulls up his nightie and says "See..."

Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




Scroll




..... "Blue Booties!"

(get your mind out of the gutter... we're talking babies here!!!)

[FDibbins]

..."Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can get rid of him for a whole weekend!!"

[TMS]

Must admit, I thought that was going to be the one that goes.

Boy Baby and Girl Baby are in the hosptial

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "huh??"

Boy Baby says "I have something you don't have"

Girl Baby says "What are you talking about?"

Boy Baby says "I have something under my nightie that you don't have under yours"

Girl Baby says "Oh yeah... let's see"

Boy Baby pulls up his nightie and says "See..."

Girl Baby says, "Oh that", pulls up her nightie and says, "See what I've got ... and with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want"

Oh yeah, babies talking ... how foolish is that

[TMS]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“I’d take half and leave you,” she says.

“Great” he says. “Here's £6. I won £12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”

[TMS]

Parable of Donkey

Aww poor you, you thought this was going to be about Shrek didn't ya?


Note: I've seen several versions of this "parable". I particularly like this one, mostly because of the moral of the story at the end


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a spade and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's surprise he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something incredible. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less



NOW ............

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your a s s, it always comes back to bite you.



You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

[TMS]

Fill in the gaps in the sentence below; in each case, the same letters, in the same order:

The ....... surgeon was ....... to carry out the operation, because he had ....... to work on.


Clue: it's not always the same number of words.

Enjoy


Regards, TMS

[martindwilson]

i think its
notable
spoiler above

[TMS]

@Martin: well, that didn't take long, did it?

[TMS]

Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told the missus that I would be home by midnight ... promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witted solution to escape a possible conflict, even when smashed out of my mind.


The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. [Whew! Got away with that one!]

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why?" I asked her.

She said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh ****', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

[TMS]

This is straight from Scotland .

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:


1) It is the perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.


He got an A.

[Winon]

I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, ladies
are you three lassies from Scotland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.

Are you three whales from Scotland?”

And that’s the last thing I remember.

[Alf]

When a wife goes out to spend an evening with her old girl friends her husband should do the same.

[TMS]

The way they do it in Australia!

This morning a guy was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of top class beer cheap at the local supermarket.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned into his passenger window, her bra-less breasts nigh on falling out of her skimpy top, and said in a s e x y voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading s e x for beer?"

He thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

[Whizbang]

This morning I told my wife she had drawn her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[TMS]

Medical Aid

A man suffered a serious heart attack while doing his Christmas shopping.
The staff called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have medical aid?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No medical aid.”
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[ConneXionLost]

One cold winter’s morning, Rosie Bernstein texted her husband:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
He texted back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Five minutes later, Rosie texted back:



"Computer is really screwed up now.”

[TMS]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing ...

He called the royal weather forecaster, a very important position, and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

[2977cc]

TEACHER: Class our lesson for today is SCIENCE, what is Science?
Jimmy!

JIMMY: Science is our lesson for today!

[TMS]

An Airplane Was About To Crash; There Were 5 Passengers On Board, But Only 4 Parachutes.

The First Passenger, Holly Madison Said, "I Have My Own Reality Show And I Am The Smartest And Prettiest Woman At Playboy, So Americans Don't Want Me To Die." She Took The First Pack And Jumped Out Of The Plane.

The Second Passenger, John McCain, Said, "I'm A Senator, And A Decorated War Hero From An Elite Navy Unit From The United States Of America." So He Grabbed The Second Pack And Jumped.

The Third Passenger, Donald Trump Said, "I Am Going To Be The Next President Of The United States, I Am The Smartest Man In Our Country, And I Will Make America Great Again". So He Grabbed The Pack Next To Him And Jumped Out.

The Fourth Passenger, Billy Graham, Said To The Fifth Passenger, A 10-Year-Old Schoolgirl, "I Have Lived A Full Life And Served My God The Best I Could. I Will Sacrifice My Life And Let You Have The Last Parachute."

The Little Girl Said, "That's Okay, Mr. Graham. There's A Parachute Left For You. The Smartest Man In America Took My School Bag."

I'll Bet A Dime That You Will Share This One !!

[zbor]

I've saw this and think of JB

48e8a63cac5b0d421813df59acbeb34b.jpg

[Winon]

That is very unfair zbor!

How are we suppose to believe that JB knows Excel, or what it is???

[FDibbins]

Take in faith, boet, like honest government

[Doc.AElstein]

Jerry's Avatar is a Rocket?

[Winon]

Hi Doc, yes, check out his profile signature.

[Winon]

@FDibbins,

Hi Ford, I could not have commented better than with what you have addedLOL!

[Logit]

I thought this was a 'joke' thread.

Oh .. wait ... I understand now. Winon .....

[Winon]

I thought this was a 'joke' thread.

Duh!, That is what it reads to be.

So you are the guy that gets lost in a telephone booth!

[Logit]

You didn't "get" it. Winon ....

Hello friend.

(I change into my red and blue spandex tights with the cape ... in a phone booth)

[tim201110]

A student knew nothing and proposed to a professor to discribe the following situation:it is legal and unlogical,logical and illegal, unlogical and illegal. the student passed the exam. А new semester began. The profeesor stucked with the student's question repeated it to the class. The student answered:
You are almost 80 and you married my girl classmate, legal and unlogical. I am her lover, logical and illegal. You gave me the highest mark on the exam, unlogical and illegal.

[Axmed.cm]

A man told his his wife he is going to "The Second Wife" for dinner.
He did not get a time to explain her it was a restaurant.
Now he is in the hospital recovering. and she is with him.

[Winon]

I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, ladies
are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.
Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.

[Arkadi]

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.
After just a few songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...
That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

[teylyn]

I've been reading a book about 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I hated it at first, but now I love it.

[FDibbins]

If a baby wont go to sleep, could you charge it with resisting arrest?

[Logit]

teylyn : Waaaay too funny ! Sick minds think alike.

FDibbins : Yes ! A little Jack Daniels goes a long way in those scenarios.

[Arkadi]

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

[tim201110]

https://books.google.ru/books/about/...gC&redir_esc=y

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

PS a good example of sarcasm, sometimes not very freindly.
wish could use it here

[Alf]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

[zbor]

Excel jokes are too formulaic

[Logit]

Two blondes were driving from Atlanta to Orlando for a first time visit to Disney World. All along the route south they would occasionally see
signs advertising 'Disney World 650 Miles' ... 'Disney World 523 miles' ... 'Disney World 264 Miles'. As the mileage toward their destination
progressively became less their excitement increased with anticipation.

Just outside of Orlando the signs were becoming more prevalent and closer together providing specific instructions where to turn and
in which direction.

One sign displayed 'Disney World - Left'.

So they turned around and went back home.

[Winon]

@Logit,

Ouch! Those two blondes could only be your two daughters!
I doubt it that they will find their way back home.
And you stay put, waiting, instead of relocating quickly,Duh!

Thanks for the chuckle, Buddy!

[xladept]

They won't go back home. They heard that all violent crimes occur within 3/4 miles from home.

[Logit]

.
.
No daughters ... just 6'5" 252 lb behemoth mercenary killers landing in S.A. at this moment.

[Doc.AElstein]

Moderation Note: That last Joke was unfair discrimination against Blonde Ladies.
Text changed:
_______ Two Excel Forum Experts were on the way to Disney land...... When we got there we turned around. .. – Me and Logit decided to follow the Blond ladies instead

[Logit]

LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kudos Doc !

[Winon]

just 6'5" 252 lb behemoth mercenary killers landing in S.A. at this moment.

Yep, aware of that, I bribed them with a dollar to deliver your head to me, and to top it all they offered me a 50% discount to bring Doc's head along!

No loss to the Forum for losing two so called "experts", following cross dressers!

[Logit]

Winon: You've reached a new low.

This is my last comment on this topic.

[xladept]

It doesn't make them "bad persons"

[Arkadi]

For Winon & co.

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves. They took it out to different countries for a test.

U.S.A: in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK: in 30 minutes it caught 30 thieves;
Spain: in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Uganda: in 10 minutes it caught 80 thieves;
Nigeria: in 7 minutes it caught 200 thieves,
South Africa: in 5 minutes the machine was stolen, while the engineers operating the machine were kidnapped!

[Logit]

HA !

Take THAT .. Winon !!!

Thank you Arkadi !

[JapanDave]

I've been reading a book about 'Stockholm Syndrome'. I hated it at first, but now I love it.

Ha,ha!!!!!!!

[FDibbins]

heyyyy why you gotta be picking on my country-man buddy winon?
lol

[Winon]

Thank you Arkadi,

We seem to slipping up. 5 Minutes is waaay off standard, is it a typo on your side?, because it should be no longer than 5 Seconds!

[Arkadi]

@ Winon lol

Some Canadian humour:

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?
A: Canadian.

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: What are the 2 seasons in Canada?
A: WINTER AND JULY!

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?
A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

You Might Be Canadian If

Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.

[tim201110]

mozahist: O-o, hurt me!!!
sadist: NO!

[mike7952]

@Arkadi

What did you say, A?

[Logit]

.
.
Two Canadian snow mobilers walk into a bar

[mike7952]

Ouch guess they should have ducked.

[mike7952]

An SQL Query walks into a bar and approaches 2 tables and asks: Can I join you?

[Logit]

mike7952

My version dry humor / insinuating ...Your version with the play on words was too funny.

[MarvinP]

Was that an inner join or an outer join? Did the Query have any relationship to the tables?

[Logit]

Only when the tables were 'turned' .

[mike7952]

@Marvin

I'm not sure about the join but the Query did select one of the tables to take home and asks, may I insert into you?


The Query was soon surrounded by subQueries – it was then he realized he had walked into an Array Bar

[Logit]

.
Well ... OK then ... (he mumbles as he slithers off into the sunset) ......

[xladept]

The Union made?

[mike7952]

............................

[6StringJazzer]

There is humor in spreadsheets!

[mike7952]

@Jeff

That was funny!

[Logit]

6StringJazzer

Wow ! Excel humor on YouTube !

Questions:

What does that say about comedy ?

What does that say about the Brits ?

What does that say about us finding it humorous ?

Especially, what does it say about those of us who go to the website and converted a photo ?


OH GAWDDDDDDDDDDD ! I've reverted to my teen years !

Is there a sign taped on my back ?

[TMS]

Saw this on Facebook ... love it!

RTFQ.jpg

[CAntosh]

At the front of a small park in a large town, a pair of statues had long formed the entryway to the park beyond. The statues were tasteful nudes, a man and a woman, who had clearly been sculpted to represent unrequited lovers. Each statue was positioned on a pedestal on either side of the entrance, their bodies fully arched and extended as they each reached an arm across the entrance toward their partner, forming the entry arch. The statues had been there as long as anyone could remember, staring into each other's eyes and longingly reaching for the other's hand.

One day, the town's bicentennial parade several miles away left the park completely empty. It was at this moment that an angel suddenly appeared before the two statues and brought them to life. The long separated lovers rushed to share an embrace!

When they remember that they were not alone, the statues' initial passion abated a bit, and they turned to ask the angel what was happening.

The angel explained, "The two of you have served this town so selflessly over the years that I'm pleased to announce you've been granted a very special reward!"

The statues gasped; the angel continued, "It will be thirty minutes before anyone passes this way, so I've been tasked with awarding you half an hour of life to use as you please." The angel paused to soak in the radiant smiles of his two honorees. He winked at them and continued knowingly, "I know that there's been something you've been dying to do together for the past several decades. It must have been so difficult to feel that longing for so many years and not be able to act. In recognition of your sacrifice, you have been granted the time to fulfill your desire! Go!"

The two statues, having giggled throughout the speech, shouted "Hooray!!" and darted behind a thicket of bushes. The angel smiled knowingly as the next several minutes were filled with a great deal of rustling sounds from the bushes, joined occasionally by various grunts, giggles, and other sounds of exertion.

Before long, the two living statues reemerged, holding hands and beaming with glee.

"Was it everything you hoped it would be?" The angel asked wryly.

"And more!" The woman responded.

The angel glanced at his watch and replied, "Actually, you still have 15 minutes left, so you could do it again, if you're up for it."

"Really!?!" The woman exclaimed. She turned to her partner, "Do you want to do it again!?!"

"Of course!!" he answered, grabbing her hand and leading her back behind the bushes. "But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head!!"

[tim201110]

A Jewish boy was expelled from two schools for poor performance and misconducts. There was not any Jewish school left around, and his dad enrolled him to a catholic one. In a while, an official from the school said to the dad that his son was the best pupil in his class and behave properly. The man asked his son about it.
‘Dad, the first day in the school a supervisor showed me a man on a cross and said: ‘This is Jesus Christ, he was crucified, By the way, he is a Jewish too.’ And I thought: ‘Gewalt! It’d better not to show off here!’

[CAntosh]

I feel like the qualifications for "Expert" status should be changed to:

360 days registered, 1200 posts, 600 reputation points, and at least one contribution to the joke thread.

[AliGW]

I'd better add something quick!

Thesaurus.jpg

[CAntosh]

Haha, nice! Now start making posters contribute to this thread as penance for their various forum sins (forgetting tags, double posting, etc.).

[songhaegyo]

what did the asian say when the white guy asked for his fav food.

Fried rice!

[Arkadi]

The probability of failure of a software demonstration is directly proportional to the product of the number of people attending and the importance of the demo.

Corollary: demos to thousands of paying customers have a failure probability in excess of 90%, even when, especially when, the demo worked perfectly half an hour before the presentation. (See recent product launches by Apple and Microsoft for instances when failure probability has approached 100%.)

[tim201110]

Men were drinking. One of them got tired and said:
- I am going to sleep. But when I want to continue wake me up!
- How will we know you want to?
- Just wake me up!

[Mvaldesi]

An Access database told his wife he was going to the store. She said “Pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and if they have eggs, pick up a dozen.”

The Access database came back with 12 loaves of bread.

[Logit]

Just call me ' Access '

[sandy666]

Wife: The car is not starting, and on the dashboard there is a sign of a person sitting on a toilet!
Husband: What….???? Can you send me a picture?

Wife: image001.jpg

[dubseven]

LOL! Too funny

[Winon]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
 And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

[AliGW]

Gents - please remember that there are ladies present.

[xladept]

The blondes are no fools - when one was told that all assaults happen within 3/4 mile of your home, she moved!

[Winon]

@ xladept,

"Clever" Blonde, I must admit!

[Winon]

@ AliGW,

To apologize for my transgression, and hoping there are no Priests present, please accept this peace offering;

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

She was not aware her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. When her husband came home unexpectedly, she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

[6StringJazzer]

An American blonde had two children and told her husband that she wanted to have a third, and he was all for the idea. But then she read an article that said one of every three children born in the world is Chinese, so she didn't want to take the chance.

Her biggest concern was that she wouldn't be able to talk to them.

[FDibbins]

An elderly couple lived down the road from a church, and every Sunday, they would make love in time with the church bells.

1 Sunday, while performing this ritual, the poor old guy had a heart attack - there was a fire down the road and a fire truck came rushing past with it's bells sounding

[Winon]

@ FDibbins,

LOL, Poor guy died of too many bells, and not too much Bell's.

[Winon]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

[Winon]

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can not afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

[Winon]

Please Help!
New Home Wanted.jpg

[Logit]

.
Winon ... SHAME ON YOU !

[Winon]

Post deleted to appease those who complain!

[Logit]

Let me see a photo first.

[Winon]

Post deleted to appease those who complain!

[Winon]

Post deleted to appease those who complain!

[snb]

Can you please stop this nonsense ?
It's not a joke and it isn't funny. It's childish
Please remove these last non jokes.

[AliGW]

I did gently try to suggest that these 'jokes' are offensive to some of us. I am glad I am not alone. There are easily as many stupid men in the world as there are women. Jokes about gender are just as hurtful as those about race, religion or creed. I know that some of the other mods and admins do not see it this way, though, so those who wish to partake in this laddish locker room banter may do so with impunity. No doubt they will think me a bad sport with no sense of humour: I can live with that, but not the idea that being born female means that I cannot be seen as their intellectual equal.

[Winon]

A Joke is a Joke. Nothing personal or serious. As simple as that. If people feel offended by a simple Joke, they have some personal issues to deal with.

Period.

This is The Water Cooler after all.

[AliGW]

Well, this is a matter of opinion, I am afraid. I have no personal issues to deal with. This is The Water Cooler, yes, and it should be a comfortable place for all of us to be. If anything presented as a 'joke' here makes anyone else feel uncomfortable, then perhaps members should think twice about posting such 'jokes'. From my perspective, 'jokes' about women being stupid are not just harmless fun. Anyway, nobody is stopping you from partaking in this sort of thing. Carry on, please! I am clever enough to realise that giving The Water Cooler a wide berth from now on is my best course of action.

[dominicb]

I think the best course of action for the time being is to close this thread - just for a few days.

I appreciate the comments being made from all sides but think we all need a couple of days to let this settle.

I like a good laugh as much as the next person, but sometimes it is all too easy to overstep the mark and offend someone. There are of course degrees of offence and I consider it wise to think about this before posting here. Watercooler or not.

I would not advocate permanent closure / deletion of this thread, as the original intent was good clean fun, which we all need from time to time.

DominicB

[FDibbins]

I must admit that I gave a small cringe when I saw some of the latter posts, but figured maybe it was just me. Not sure that closing this thread was the way to go, but I have no issue with letting things settle for a day or 2.

Maybe the litmus test here should be something along the lines of - If you think something you may post, will offend (rather than just - oh no, they didnt just say "that", did they) some members, then rather dont bother to post it, it's just not worth the agro it could cause.

To all I would add that, as you know, I grew up in SA (but still consider myself a Brit lol). Having moved from SA to another country (USA) I found myself constantly getting dinged for things I said, when I had no intention of offending anyone at all. In fact, many times, if I said that in SA (and did, many times), I got a huge laugh from all around...men, women, black, white, you name it.

My point here, is that different places have different cultures, and sometimes VERY different views of on what is said. It took me quite a while to realize that, while I would say something in jest, it was often, not taken or perceived that way. ook a while for me to learn to sometimes just keep my mouth shut lol

[FDibbins]

Thread has been re-opened.

Please consider others potential objections/being offended, before posting here

Thanks and have fun

[Arkadi]

Glad to see the thread open again... let me kick things off

Q: What do computers and air conditioners have in common?

A: They both become useless when you open Windows

[Arkadi]

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... "Can I join you?"

[Arkadi]

Oh ok...one more...

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Programmer: The glass is twice as large as necessary.

[dominicb]

OK, one here from the late, great, Sir Ken Dodd (8 Nov 1927 - 11 Mar 2018).

Percy Shaw invented the "cat's eye" back in the early 1930's.
Legend has it that he took his inspiration from an evening car trip when he saw the eyes of a cat coming towards him, glowing brightly in the beam cast by his car's headlights.
If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener!

DominicB

[63falcondude]

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

...

An Investigator

[6StringJazzer]

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks... "Can I join you?"

Infraction issued.

[Pete_UK]

Here's another Doddy joke:

His reply to the prosecuting barrister at his tax trial who accused him of behaving as if the tax laws didn't apply to him - "Well, it's called the Inland Revenue, and I live on the coast"

Pete

[Logit]

.
Why did the programmer quit his job ?

Because he didn't get arrays.

__________________________________
Ba - dum - dum dum !

Donations accepted to my PayPal account. Thank you.

[Logit]

.
How do you tell an introverted programmer from an extroverted programmer ?

When talking to you, the extroverted programmer looks at your shoes.

[Logit]

.
Last one for today :


A group of VBA programmers walk into their favorite pub and order a round of beers. As tradition has it, being a Friday evening, they raise their
quaffs high and bellow the usual ditty ...

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code.
1 bug fixed .. compile again,
100 little bugs in the code.

[Arkadi]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said:
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing Excel error messages.

[Mvaldesi]

A guy walked into a bar immediately crushing any hopes he had of taking home the gold during the Olympic Limbo Dancing event.

[FlameRetired]

Give a man a fish
... you've fed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish
... he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

[Logit]

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

[Logit]

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

*********************************************

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

*********************************************

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

*********************************************

Redneck Computer Terms

LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gittin’ home in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it’s cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it’s black fly season.
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, “C’mon in, y’all.”
CLICK: Whut you hear when you **** your gun.
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don’t far when you pull the trigger.
REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty’s still outside.

[tim201110]

scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!

always wonder why one cannot select text in a message.

[Arkadi]

Lol Logit.... Love the redneck one

[Arkadi]

A few funny 1-Liners:

Windows Vista supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously.

The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed Linux.

My attitude isn't bad. It's in beta.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.

And a few computer-geek pickup lines:

Is your name Google? Because you have everything I've been searching for.

You make my software turn into hardware!

Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.

Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

I googled your name earlier... I clicked on 'I'm Feeling Lucky.'

[Alf]

When a parrot cries: “Pieces of seven, pieces of seven!” Is that a parroty error?

[Winon]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a troop of baboons, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep" the wife replied, "in-laws"

[GuruWannaB]

Easy test to tell a mathematician and an engineer apart.

Find a hallway - draw two lines....
One at one end of the hallway - the other at the other end.

Now...Put the engineer and the mathematician on the same line.
Put a nayked lady at the other line.

Tell both the engineer and the mathematician that each time they move - they can only move half of the existing distance to the woman.

The mathematician will give up instantly - claiming that hwill never actually ever cross the line.
The engineer will state that although he is aware he will never cross the line... He will get close enough for all practical purposes.

[Arkadi]

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

[GStone]

Not a joke but a clean anecdote. When my daughters were young, about 12 and 7, as they were sharing the chore of washing dishes (yes by hand, without an automatic dishwasher), my youngest washing, eldest rinsing and drying. The younger was trying to clean a small pot and couldn't quite get it clean. The eldest told her she needed to "use more elbow grease." The youngest started searching the cupboards and the eldest told her to call me at work and ask me where to find what she was looking for. Imagine my surprise when she called to ask me where I kept the Elbow Grease.

[FDibbins]

GStone, my mother told my youngest son the exact same thing when she had asked him to clean something (dont remember what exactly). He came running in and asked his mum where the elbow grease was.

As a foot note to that, years later (20+) when my wife and I were in Alaska, I happened to notice a small tin (like a shoe polish tin) that said Elbow Grease. As it turned out, my youngest was getting married in a few months, so I bought a tin, and when I gave a speech at his wedding, I told him that his new bride would probably have him scrubbing post and pans in no time, and to remember what his Nanna had said about using elbow grease. I then presented him with the tin, and told him to keep it for when he had some tough cleaning to do.

[headcase]

Not a joke but a clean anecdote. When my daughters were young, about 12 and 7, as they were sharing the chore of washing dishes (yes by hand, without an automatic dishwasher), my youngest washing, eldest rinsing and drying. The younger was trying to clean a small pot and couldn't quite get it clean. The eldest told her she needed to "use more elbow grease." The youngest started searching the cupboards and the eldest told her to call me at work and ask me where to find what she was looking for. Imagine my surprise when she called to ask me where I kept the Elbow Grease.

Very funny, kids are HILARIOUS. H I L A R I O U S.

[Logit]

.
Ok .. let's see if this joke will not offend anyone. (It really is kinda 'cute' )

Two guys who work for Delta Airlines in Atlanta, Georgia ... were on the job one hot, summer day. They did repairs on Delta's jets.

Both were sitting on the cement hangar floor leaning against the outside metal wall. Jerry turned to Tom and said, "I've heard that jet fuel can give you a real buzz."

Tom just stared at him. Finally after a few moments he said, "Where in the world did you hear that ?"

Jerry, feeling kinda dumb at the moment replied, "Well .... it's just sumthin' I heard once. Anyway, I'm thirsty and we ain't got nuthin' to drink around here."

Several L O N G minutes went by before Tom spoke again. "Well ... I'm game if you are." That was all Jerry needed to hear. They both used tall metal container water bottles to pour jet fuel into and proceeded to
drink the 'brew'.

Now ... drinking jet fuel isn't easy to do. It's kinda like your first taste of moon shine. Once you get paste the smell and the flavor .. and the burning sensation .. things start to get better.

After several hours of drinking they were both snockered and seeing it was quitting time, they said their good byes and left for the day.

The next morning Jerry gets a phone call from Tom.

"Hey Jerry ! You awake yet ?"

"Well I am now, Tom. Whatta ya want ?"

"You been to the bathroom yet this morning, passed any gas ?", said Tom

Jerry replied, "No .. why ?"

Tom said, "Well don't ! I'm in Houston ..."




* ta dum dum dum ...... *