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The Joke Thread

  1. #46
    Forum Moderator dominicb's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Visit The Joke Thread

    Some World Records - Part 2
    Some World Records - Part 1

    Traffic Light Cosmetics
    The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1 hr 51 mins 38 secs. by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

    Group Toilet Visit
    The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (GB) got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

    Shop Dithering
    The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses, which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

    Talking about Nothing
    Mrs. Mary Caterham and Mrs. Marjorie Steele sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for three and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

    Gossiping
    On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs.Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2,774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists,, which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

    Single Breath Sentence
    A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.

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  2. #47
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    'You better pray that it will come out of the carpet.'

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    'Because I said so, that's why.'

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

    13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

    14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
    who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

    22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

    25. And my favorite:

    My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
    oldchippy
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  3. #48
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    2 prawns

    Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

    Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
    I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

    A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

    Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

    Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

    Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

    All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

    Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

    While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

    He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
    he found himself turned back into a prawn.

    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

    Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

    'Where's Christian?' he asked.

    'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
    came the reply.

    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

    As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

    He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

    Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
    and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

    Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........



    'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

  4. #49
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Undies

    Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
    asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

    Mum said, "You should say no, they only want to look at your panties".

    Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag".

  5. #50
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    2 boys in a hospital

    Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

    The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

    The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

    The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

    The second kid t hen asks, 'What are you here for?'

    The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

    And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'
    "I am not a rocket scientist, I am a nuclear engineer." - Split_atom18
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  6. #51
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    6 degrees of blonde
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*
    FIRST DEGREE
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,listened a moment
    And said 'How should I know,that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
    The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
    Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*


    SECOND DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
    The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
    Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
    Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
    The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,. -:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*


    THIRD DEGREE
    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
    So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
    Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
    In the arms of a redhead.
    Well, the blonde is really angry.
    She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so,
    She is overcome with grief.
    She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
    The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*


    FOURTH DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
    She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
    A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
    The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*


    FIFTH DEGREE
    What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    'Is it mine?'
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*


    SIXTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
    Ransacked and burglarised.
    She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit,
    Patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
    The blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
    Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,'I come home to find
    All my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
    They send me a BLIND policeman.'&#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160;
    `&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

  7. #52
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    WARNING;

    If you receive an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tinned pork - delete it - it's only Spam.

  8. #53
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    An Iowa crop farmer walks into a NYC bank and tells the loan
    officer he is going to Norway on business for two weeks and needs
    to borrow $5,000.

    The bank officer tells him that they will need security for the loan,
    so the farmer hands over the keys to his new Ferrari.
    The car is parked in front of the bank. The crop
    farmer produces the title and everything checks out.

    The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

    An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
    underground garage and parks it there. The bank's president enjoys
    a good laugh over this farmer using a $250,000 Ferrari as
    collateral against a $5,000 loan.

    Two weeks later, the farmer returns, repays the $5,000 and interest,
    which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
    and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
    While you were away, we checked you out and found you are a multimillionaire.
    What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The farmer replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
    for two weeks for only $15.41, and expect it to be there when I
    return?"

    Ah, ya gotta love those Iowa farmers.

  9. #54
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Always make me chuckle

    From a book called "Disorder in the Court." things people actually said in court, word for word.
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
    you've forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
    woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
    voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
    A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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    Re: The Joke Thread

    It COULD BE TRUE

    THE THEORY OF DARK SUCKERS

    For years it was believed that light was emitted from an electric bulb; recent information has proven otherwise. It is now shown that dark is actually sucked into the bulb - henceforth, the bulb should be known as a dark sucker

    This dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark suckers. Not only that, it also demonstrates beyond any doubt, that dark is heavier and faster than light

    There are many types and sizes of dark manufactured by a large number of companies. Some of the modern dark suckers utilise a solid power capacitor to operate properly. Solid power capacitors can be purchased from companies such as Eveready and Duracell


    Some examples of the dark suckers are as follows:

    • Electric bulbs: If you examine one of these dark suckers closely when it is in full sucking mode, you will see that there is more dark near the dark sucker. Move a distance away from it and the suckage strength is diminished

    These dark suckers can be purchased in a variety of different strengths and will suck the dark from a greater distance than less powerful ones. You purchase the required strength depending on your situation. Like any item, the dark sucker does not have an infinite life and at some stage will reach its capacity and will no longer be able to suck any more dark. At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portion of the dark sucker. As with the power capabilities, the larger the dark sucker, the larger the area of dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be made directional by placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it. This will prevent dark from entering the dark sucker from that side thereby extending the range of the dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded side

    • Candles: - These are a primitive dark sucker. They are relatively weak compared to the high powered suckers called Electric Bulbs, which is evident as there is more dark 30 feet from a lit candle then there is at a distance of 3 feet (unlike the industrial powered Electric Bulb dark suckers, which can suck at a distance of hundreds of feet). Proof of its dark sucking capabilities is relatively simple. Examine a new unused candle, notice that the centre core is not dark. Activate the centre core (the part that does the sucking) with a flame such as from a match and allow the centre core to suck for about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark around the candle. Extinguish the centre core. Notice that the centre core of the candle is now dark. The centre core is the dark sucker, which is protected by a soft insulator (generally made from wax or tallow) to extend its life expectancy and maintain rigidity. Another method of proof of its capabilities is to ignite the centre core and allow it to suck for a minimum of 2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the dark sucker, left to right, and approximately 3 inches above the centre core. Notice that there is no dark on the pencil. Pass the pencil over the centre core now about 1/2 inch. Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil has blocked the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker

    With modern technology, there are a large number of portable dark suckers that can be carried in ones pocket or bag. These tend to suck the dark from a small but focused area, and store the dark in what are known as Dark Sucker Solid Power Units. These power units can be purchased from many local outlets, as they are needed, changing them within the portable dark sucker. When started, the dark that is sucked is stored within these power units, and the change is required when they are full and the dark sucker no longer works

    Dark is heavier than light

    Dark’s mass, although of a similar density to, is actually greater than that of light. In an example of a medium such as water, that allows light and dark to exist in the same plane, the dark always settles to the bottom of the water. To prove this theory, simply find a pool or river that has a depth great enough to allow the light and dark to exist in that medium and submerge yourself just below the surface and you will notice an absence of any dark. Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surface and you will notice now that a degree of darkness has settled under the light. As the mass is similar, you will not find an absolute point at which the light stops and the dark starts, at this point the have blended together. Now lower yourself to 50 feet (or more) below the surface and here the dark has settled quite densely, and you will notice a total (or almost complete) lack of light, you are in total dark. Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark is heavier than light

    Modern technology has allowed us to utilise the potential energy that has stored in the dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers. This is achieved with the use of turbines that push the dark down river to the ocean, which, due to its immense size, has a larger holding capacity for it. As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of the potential energy is removed from the dark and transmitted to various short-term storage plants (akin to Dark Sucker Solid Power Units discussed above), but on a massive scale. The public is then allowed to tap into this as required (for a fee of course)

    The final point to note is this. Although dark has a slightly higher mass than light (i.e. heavier when an equal gravitational field is excerpted upon it), it is surprising to note that the dark is actually faster than light

    Imagine a common draw, like those found in a desk at work, or in your home. Now as you can imagine, when closed correctly, the draw seals itself and prevents light entering it and as such, is full of dark. Now, if you would open a drawer very slowly and look inside as you did this, you will notice that the seal is broken and light is able to enter the draw (you can see this happen.) You do not, however, see the dark leave the drawer

    Continue to open the drawer and light will continue to enter the drawer; however, you will not see any dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than light. Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker. Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not see any dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your friend open the door until half the closet is dark and half is light. Since 2 objects cannot occupy the exact same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster than light

    One last proof

    What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by- product of dark suckers? Heat, again.
    Therefore a dark sucker generates heat during its operation

    Dark’s molecules are heated when they react with light molecules, as the dark fights to displace the light and enter the dark sucker. Just allow, say, a high ratio electric bulb sucking unit to operate for a short time, then stop the sucking. Now CAREFULLY touch the protective coating around the dark sucker (usually this is made of glass), and note the amount of heat. Next allow a smaller ratio of dark sucker to operate for the same length of time. Again CAREFULLY touch the protective coating around the dark sucker, and note, although there is still warmth there, it is indeed less than the higher ratio dark sucker

    I hope this has sucked some dark (or for those sceptics, shed some light), on the dark sucker theory for you all, but I will be happy to respond to any questions you have. I will respond at the speed of dark, or if I am busy a little slower than that, and the speed of light

  11. #56
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Two women we playing golf while she watched



    in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
    men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
    fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
    began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
    Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
    me, she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
    replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
    still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
    loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several long
    moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

    He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

  12. #57
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

    'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

    'From now on, you need to know that I am

    the man of this house and my word is Law.

    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
    eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

    After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
    the kind of *** that I want.

    Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax..

    You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then,
    you will massage my feet and hands.

    Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

    The wife replied, 'The f***ing' funeral director would be my first
    guess.'

  13. #58
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.
    From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling ‘Wine Flu’. This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.
    Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with ‘Wine Flu’.

    To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

    ‘Wine Flu’ does not need to be life threatening and if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

  14. #59
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    I was a very happy man.&#160;My wonderful girlfriend&#160;and I had been dating for over a year, and so we&#160;decided to get married. There was only one&#160; little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful&#160;younger sister.&#160;My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very&#160; tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She&#160;would regularly bend down when she was near&#160;me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to&#160; be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was&#160; near anyone else.&#160;
    &#160;
    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was&#160; alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she&#160; had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't&#160;overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once&#160;before I got married and committed my life to her sister.&#160;
    &#160;&#160;
    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.&#160;
    &#160;&#160;
    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
    &#160;&#160;
    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned&#160;and made a beeline straight to the front door. I&#160; opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.&#160;
    &#160;
    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!&#160;
    &#160;
    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and&#160; said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our&#160; little test. We couldn't ask for a better&#160; man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'&#160;
    &#160;
    And the moral of this story is:&#160;&#160;&#160;

    &#160;


    Always keep your condoms in your car.

  15. #60
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    An old Nun who lived in a convent next to a big Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them during their lunch break and correct their wicked ways.

    She decided to pack a lunch for herself and sit with them and convince them to refrain from such language.

    She put her sandwich and flask in a brown paper bag and went over to the spot where the men were eating.

    She walked up to them and said to them with a big smile,

    "Do you know Jesus Christ?"

    They all shook their heads and looked at each other. One of them looked up to where the steel-workers were having their lunch and yelled,

    "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ ??"

    One of the steel-workers yelled out,

    "Why ?"

    The worker yelled back'

    "His mother's here with his lunch !"
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