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The Joke Thread

  1. #121
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    LOL

    the best jokes I have read for a while

  2. #122
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas .Too bad...

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

    The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
    'What for?' says the lawyer..

    The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

    Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

    The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
    'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

    Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
    'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the $hit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'


    God Bless Texas........

  3. #123
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Lionel Ritchie has opened a muslim butcher's shop in Bradford.......It's called "Haalal, is it meat you're looking for"

    A boy comes home from school at 7pm,
    His Dad says " Where were you?"
    "I was with Jessica" He replied
    "What were you doing?" asks his Dad
    "We were revising" says the boy

    After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely"
    Dad replies " Wash your hands son; they're f**kin donuts"!!

  4. #124
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    LOL

    Language barrier or ignorance: can you explain #2 for the uninitiated, please?


    edit: Thanks dominicb! Received the PM -- I realised I was not that daft after all, I just had not figured out that there were only two jokes, not three (I took each blank line as a joke separator, so I didn't get the funny bit in joke #2 and I thought that joke #3 lacked some kind of intro)
    Last edited by teylyn; 11-29-2009 at 01:46 AM. Reason: explanation of daftness level

  5. #125
    Forum Moderator dominicb's Avatar
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    Smile Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by teylyn View Post
    LOL

    Language barrier or ignorance: can you explain #2 for the uninitiated, please?
    Perhaps this is kept off the forum - I'll send you a PM.

    DominicB
    Please familiarise yourself with the rules before posting. You can find them here.

  6. #126
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    There are three couples applying for membership in a church. The pastor tells them he has a test for them to prove their devotion: they can't be intimate with each other for two weeks.

    Two weeks later, they all come back to him and he asks the elderly first couple how they did. The man says, "It went fine. We've been married forty years, so it was no problem for us."

    "Great, welcome to the church." Turning to the middle-aged second couple, he said, "And how did you do?"

    The woman responds, "Well, we were tempted a bit, and it wasn't easy, but we managed to make it the entire two weeks."

    "Wonderful, welcome to the church." Then to the 20-something third couple, he asks, "And how were your two weeks?"

    The guy answers, "Well, we've only been married a few months, so it was torture for us. We were actually doing well until this morning at breakfast, though. Then she dropped her napkin, we both went to pick it up, our eyes locked, passions ignited, and we just had to have each other then and there."

    The pastor tells them, "Well, I understand, but unfortunately, I can't let you into the church."

    "That's ok. They won't let us back into that restaurant, either."

  7. #127
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A pastor was baptizing people in a river when he sees a drunk walk by. He goes and gets the drunk, brings him into the river, and baptizes him. On bringing him up, the pastor asks, "Young man, have you found Jesus?"

    "No."

    The pastor says a quick prayer and baptizes him again. "Have you found Jesus?"

    "No."

    The pastor prays again and baptizes him a third time. "Young man, have you found Jesus?"

    "No, are you sure he fell in here?"

  8. #128
    Forum Expert darkyam's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    In the beginning, God created man. And man was lonely, so God created a dog. The man was happy and the dog was happy, but there was a problem. The dog treated the man like a god, and so the man began to think of himself as one.

    And so God created a cat, and the cat ignored the man and treated him poorly, never once being grateful for anything the man did for it. And man remembered his place, that he was indeed below God. And God was happy, and man was happy, and the dog was happy...and the cat didn't give a damn either way.

  9. #129
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    I saw this post years ago on www.webmasterworld.com/foo, which is the equivalent to the Water Cooler here. It's a tad long and you may need to skip the intro, unless you were a regular visitor to WMW in 2003 and the names mean anything to you.

    I just thought that maybe soon we might also have a hardware forum here and should prepare for difficult questions about keyboards and coffee spills.

    So here goes. Not in quote tags, because it would be so much harder to read.
    Source: http://www.webmasterworld.com/forum9/4766.htm

    ***************************

    Einstein once said “never commit to memory what you can look up”.

    Or words to that effect. I’m fairly sure it was Einstein. I have it on file here somewhere.

    Einstein or not, when I first heard the quote it struck me as an eminently sensible idea. I mean, whether or not you ascribe to the idea that the human brain has finite capacity (and I’m not sure I do, though my ex-husband is the closest thing you’ll ever get to imperical evidence), it makes a still makes reasonable sense not to spend a lot of time and energy memorising tidbits of knowledge you will rarely call on.

    I think perhaps though, I have taken Einstein’s rule a little too much to heart. There are certain tidbits of knowledge that you really *should* remember... however rarely you may call on them. For example:

    > I was allergic to shellfish last year, I am allergic to shellfish this year, and I will be allergic to shellfish next year.
    > Objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear.
    > Never ask if this {fill in the gap} makes my butt look big... if I have to ask, it does.... ‘just put the hanger back and step awaaaaay from the rack, deejay, and no-one’s feelings will get hurt’.
    > Some plastics have lower melting points than others.
    > Striped clothes are not me and never will be.
    ØCoffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts do not mix.

    Obviously some of these, while crucial to me, are irrelevant to anyone else. Some have relevance to a wider audience. That last one for example. Let me say it again:

    Coffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts *do not* mix.

    You see, since moving house a month ago I’ve fallen into a quite nice Saturday morning routine... a key part of which is logging on around 10 am with a cup of coffee and catching up on the overnight posts. Now I don’t actually drink coffee, except for this one lovely cup a week, so this is a treat and a ritual.

    ..............*pausing for the readership to pick themselves up off the floor and calm their hearts at the idea of only one coffee a week*.....................

    The chirping of modem in one ear and low grumbling of the Krups espresso machine in the other... I swear it’s starting to elicit a Pavlovian response in me.... it’s like foreplay for geeks.

    So anyway.. I’m sitting, I’m sipping, I’m savouring.... appropriately enough, I ended up in the coffee cup thread.

    a smile here, a chuckle there, a chortle in between.. a guffaw at DaveN’s ‘admission’ to having stolen mivox’s mug (I just knew someone was going to)... a snicker and ‘oooo’ at mivox’s ominous reply... a titter at Nick’s Mr Tickle mug-inspired slinking.......

    and then pixel_juice had to bloody speak up... mid-sip I might add.

    Err, yes Nick...<coughs>. Very nice !
    Cough indeed.

    More like <abortedswallow - closedmouthlaughandcough - snortcoffeeoutnose - leanforwardoverkeyboard - slopcoffeecupeverywhere - gasp>

    Oh bloody marvellous. Just flippin lovely.

    Understand that I take my coffee very strong, very milky and very sweet. The spoon doesn’t quite stand up in the cup, but it may dissolve if not removed quickly enough. My coffee was the runner-up in adhesives when Post-Its were being developed... perpetually sticky stuff y’know. Suffice to say this is no watery concoction that can be easily shaken out of a keyboard or dabbed away with a tissue.

    Still, no big deal really. I’ve cleaned plenty of keyboards in my time. Five minutes later it’s unplugged, keys popped off and soaking in warm water with dishwashing liquid. and I’m attacking the base of the keyboard with cotton ear buds and warm water. The cleaning was long overdue anyway, so I’m not too phased... stitch in time, penny saved, pip pip ay what old chap and all that rubbish.

    Most of the coffee’s coming away alright... but I have a cat... longhair of course... and I have just found out where a good part of that two pounds of fur that she moulted last spring ended up. Oh, and the place I moved from recently had a dog too. Lest I forget the poor darling, he has contributed a few locks of hair as a reminder.

    Time for the vacuum cleaner. Done this plenty of times too... remove the head and wave the vacuum hose a few inches above the keyboard... zzzzzip! All hair/fur gone. Works like a charm. Unfortunately it completely escaped me that I bought a new vacuum cleaner just a month ago. The old one was way past its use by date. My old vacuum cleaner’s engine was to suck as.... as... well, for lack of a better comparison and to avoid unnecessary s@xual references... as half a cabbage leaf is to a fart. My *new* vacuum cleaner, on the other hand, is a baked bean entree, vindaloo curry main, cucumber side dish and 3 pints of lager. I mean this thing could.... well, you can imagine, I’m sure.

    So OK, I’m waving vacuum hose.... and oh, bugger me! You know those little round rubber things inside the keyboard? The bits that get depressed by the keys when you press them? Three of the little blighters just shot up into the vacuum.

    Sonobaditch!

    Growlscowlprowl around and find an old newspaper... empty vacuum bag (full, of course) and pick through to find rubber bits. If you’ve never actually opened up your keyboard and seen these bits... they’re about the size of my fingernail (of course you’ve never seen my fingernail either.. yours will do), surprisingly soft, clear rubber... and they turn the colour of whatever dust they are coated in, effectively rendering them invisible in a pile of vacuum bag contents. There’s no way round it but to rub through the entire contents between my fingers to find them. *BLECH*


    ... part 2 in next post, total text too long for 1 post ....

  10. #130
    Forum Guru teylyn's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    previous post continued ....


    Recovered, washed, dried.. and now I’m stuck with opening up the damn keyboard body to put them back in. Well hell, if I’m going that far I may as well remove the sensor sheet thingy and actually wash to keyboard case itself... so I did. Only took two goes to put it back together again... marginally pleased with myself at that.

    In the meantime, the keys have been lying on a towel, hopefully drying in the sunlight from the window. Nearly. Not quite. Droplets of water here and there. It’s autumn in New Zealand at the moment and just not warm enough for this.

    That’s ok. I have a mouse. I don’t need a keyboard to read posts. I can log on and just have a bit of a read at WebmasterWorld while I give those keys another half hour or so to finish drying. So I did. For five minutes. Until a box popped up on my screen telling me that it couldn’t locate the keyboard on my machine.

    Well I knew that. It’s in 109 pieces on the floor beside me.

    My vocalisations to that effect didn’t seem to satisfy the machine though, and it crashed forthwith.

    “where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?”

    It’s been a couple of hours since the spill now.... a lot longer than I anticipated this taking... I’m still tasting coffee in my nose, but it is now accompanied by a fine layer of vacuum cleaner dust (it’s just ridiculous that when you sneeze to clear your nose, you must first inhale a mighty breath thereby dragging in 10 times the amount of dust that tickled your nose and made you want to sneeze in the first place).

    Right. Enough of this nonsense. I’m not going to chance the keys in the oven, as I’m still getting used to this one... it runs a bit hot and the last thing I want is melted keys. How embarrassing would that be!

    “I cooked my keyboard on the weekend”
    “oh? power surge?”
    “no no, roasting dish.. 150 degrees celsius”.

    Ha. I’m far to smart for that thank you very bloody much. Out comes the hairdryer.

    So I grab about 10 keys at a time and toss them into a glass bowl and wave my hairdryer round at them... making the keys skitter round and cleverly evaporating any leftover water. Tip the ten out on a fresh towel, grab another handful and repeat. Bewdiful.

    Tipping the third or fourth batch out onto the towel, one of the larger keys caught my eye. I picked it up and noted that the bottom edge of the key of it wasn’t cut in a straight line... it was wobbly... huh... shoddy workmanship there. Hadn’t noticed any other irregulars up to this point though, so didn’t worry much.

    Next batch.. crikey d ick .. there’s another one. Errr... hang on... sure enough... I was cooking the keys with my flippin hairdryer. It wasn’t even that hot!

    Thing Worth Remembering No 2:

    ØSome plastics have lower melting points than others.

    I realise I am chanting “pixel_juice, Pixel_Juice, PIXEL_JUICE!” under my breath... though I look nothing like a gothic teenage Winona Ryder, and cannot remember more than ten words of the banana boat song, let alone levitate while singing it.

    But I digress. I’m prone to that. I also regress occasionally, but that’s another story.

    ahem. yes. well.

    I had a quick hunt through the dried keys for the enter key. Now I *KNOW* that key was fine, because I actually dried that one on its own, and it was perfectly *FINE*. Well it’s not now. It’s bent like a bloody banana. The damn thing has warped after I put it down. I know it’s futile, but I try to fit it to the keyboard anyway. It might fit.

    Pigs might fly too.

    Did I mention that I’m 3/4 Scottish? The penny-pinching gene is the only excuse I can offer for actually thinking to myself ‘there’s another enter key... if that one’s alright then I can probably live without that one for a while’.... and trying to fit another half dozen keys to the board. As it was, about half of them were also warped, so it just wasn’t a happening thing.

    So anyways to make a long story... err.. well.. longer... I went and bought a new keyboard at Kmart. This was after, of course, the 15 minute search for my wallet, which I didn’t find and therefore concluded that I had left it at work... which I had... of course.

    It’s now past midnight here. I’ve achieved nothing today except a science lesson, spending $35 and this post.

    I should be asleep, but I was feeling a bit cheated out of my coffee from this morning... so about two hours ago I made a fresh brew. I really should start wearing a watch. Or get a clock in this room. Or look at the bottom right corner of my screen occasionally. Double strength, extra sweet coffee after 10 pm is not a good idea. If anyone would like to swing by and scrape me off the ceiling, there’s a spatula in the kitchen.

    So there you have it. Consider this a cautionary tale and take what you will from it, but remember:

    > Some plastics have lower melting points than others.
    > Coffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts do not mix

    ********************************
    Last edited by teylyn; 11-29-2009 at 03:10 AM.

  11. #131
    Forum Expert pike's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat-מתקךך) or endothermic (absorbs heat-סו׀ג ×—×•× /×ž×ª×—×ž× )?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

  12. #132
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    The problems of being a multi-million Superstar!

    Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

    What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

    Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

    What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

    Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

    This was the first time Tiger Woods failed to drive 400 yards in a straight line.
    oldchippy
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  13. #133
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Didn't take long

    OC, the one-lines back on post 120 something - are they c/o Tim Vine ?

  14. #134
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    are they c/o Tim Vine ?
    Can't say I've heard of him before, I had to look him up

    Perhaps we should start a "one-liner" thread

    "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"

  15. #135
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her bra off, starts passionately kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kisses them passionately.

    A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

    Jacqueline, flushed, try's to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sits down as though in a total daze.

    The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

    Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

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