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• 03-12-2009, 05:01 AM
ratcat
G'day All,

I'm surprised there is not a joke thread in these part of the woods.

Occasionally you see the odd joke out in the working part of the forum and I think this one is a great joke. Yes I still have a chuckly about that thread now and then.

Well, I'll break the ice with a couple jokes then........

1st Year Physics Humour

The following is an actual question given on a physics mid term exam. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being --- which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

• 03-12-2009, 05:03 AM
ratcat
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line.

It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this Week for \$44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be \$58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for \$44?

How did you get to \$58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is \$11 and the Fish Bait is \$3.50.'
• 03-13-2009, 06:38 AM
dominicb
Quote:

Originally Posted by ratcat
'The Duck Caller is \$11 and the Fish Bait is \$3.50.'

Man, that's really funny. I've just laughed out loud at that one.

Well done:):):)

DominicB
• 03-15-2009, 11:44 AM
Simon Lloyd
The second one i had heard...the first was quite amusing too!, thanks ratcat!
• 03-15-2009, 03:26 PM
oldchippy
Hi,

Here's another for the joke thread

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray
• 03-16-2009, 02:46 AM
ratcat
I hope this one is clean enough......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
• 03-16-2009, 03:23 AM
Simon Lloyd
This is no slight on or Irish friends, however:
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site, Paddy is busy nailing down the floorboards while Murphy watches in amazement!, Paddy is picking up nails out of the box looking at them and if they are upside down he's throwing them away!

"Paddy" says Murphy, "Why will you be t'rowing all those nails away?", "can you not see?" says Paddy, "I get these here nails out of the bag, some are the right way up and some are upside down, so i'm t'rowing those one's away!", "You donkey Paddy" says Murphy "don't throw them away........save them for the ceiling!!!"
• 03-16-2009, 03:28 AM
Simon Lloyd
This may be a little risky:
Little Sam goes up to his dad and asks if he can have a bike?, his dad replies "No son, the mortgage is 180K and your mum has just lost her job!", the next day little Sam is leaving with his suitcase packed, his dad asks "where are you going?", Sam replies "I was walking past your bedroom last night and i heard you say to mum your pulling out, and mum said wait for her 'cos she's coming too, and i'm not staying here on my own with a 180K mortgage and no f***ing bike!"
• 03-16-2009, 05:48 AM
oldchippy
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey , what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
• 03-16-2009, 05:51 AM
oldchippy
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
• 03-16-2009, 06:38 AM
arthurbr
( translated as well as possible from french)

A kangaroo enters a bar and orders a whiskey.
After emptying his glass he asks how much he owes.
The bartender answers " 25 dollars". The kangaroo pays and leaves the place.

Couple of days later, same stuff.

And, some days later, again.

At the kangaroo's fourth visit the bartender engages in small talk and says " We don't see kangaroos often here".
And the kangaroo answers : " No wonder, at the price you charge the whiskey.."
• 03-16-2009, 07:06 AM
oldchippy
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

5. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.

6. If they are recounting them put them in Auditing.

7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks put them in Engineering.

8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in Planning.

9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in Operations.

10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces put them in Information Technology.

12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

14. If they have already left for the day put them in Marketing.

15. If they are staring out of the window put them in Strategic Planning.

16. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
• 03-16-2009, 07:42 AM
Ron Coderre
A guy pops his head into a busy barbershop and asks the
barber, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber does a quick count and says, "Two hours."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The next day the same guy asks again, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The third day, same guy, same question.
The barber says, "About an hour."
Again, the guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

Annoyed, the barber tells one of his regular customers,
"Quick! Follow that guy and tell me where he goes."
Ten minutes later the customer comes back, laughing his
• 03-16-2009, 07:44 AM
Simon Lloyd
Lol, this thread is getting very entertaining! :)
• 03-16-2009, 07:49 AM
oldchippy
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!
• 03-16-2009, 07:53 AM
oldchippy
We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope all on my own?
• 03-16-2009, 08:02 AM
oldchippy
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
• 03-16-2009, 08:14 AM
Ron Coderre
These two guys at a tropical resort are marvelling at
how this other man seems to have a different gorgeous
girl on his arm each night. One of the guys decides to
go ask the gentleman his secret.

The man tells them, "It's simple, really. Every day, I
walk the beach in a skimpy Speedo bathing suit. But,
before I go out, I put a couple potatoes in it! The
girls are impressed and fall all over me!"

The next day, the two guys decide to implement the plan.
After walking the beach for ten minutes not one girl has
approached them and all they hear is snickers after they
walk by. Just then, the successful playboy comes running over.
He pulls the two guys aside and politely tells them,
"Gentlemen, the potatoes go in the front!"
• 03-16-2009, 08:16 AM
oldchippy
That's funny Ron 10/10
• 03-17-2009, 05:39 AM
Macdave_19
FACE - Has their face fallen on one side?
ARMS - Can they raise both and keep them there?
SPEECH - is it slurred?
TIME - to get her pants off, the rohypnol has taken affect.

for those non uk residents: you won't get this, apologies.

sorry for being so crude!!
• 03-17-2009, 11:55 AM
oldchippy
After the last one :eek:, here's a clean one :)

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
• 03-17-2009, 12:15 PM
oldchippy
Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a check-up.

A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'
• 03-17-2009, 06:21 PM
dominicb
FA Cup Final day. Wembley Stadium. It's Manchester United v Arsenal for what's expected to be the biggest game of the domestic season. And the stadium is packed to capacity having sold out months ago.

Our man makes his way to his seat 10 minutes before kick off and sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. At half time the seat is still empty and it truly is the only empty seat in the stadium, so he say's to the guy on the other side of the gap :
"Can you believe someone's bought a ticket for this game and not turned up?"
"Actually" says the guy, "it's my wife's seat. We get tickets for the FA Cup Final every year. We bought the tickets months ago, but sadly she can't accompany this year as she's passed away."
"Sorry to hear that" says our man, "but it seems such a shame to have this seat empty when someone else could have enjoyed it. Surely you have a friend or relative who could have come with you?"
"Nah." said the guy. "They're all at her funeral."

DominicB
• 03-18-2009, 12:50 PM
oldchippy
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to do something for the everyday people of the country think again my friend, you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.
• 04-02-2009, 01:58 PM
royUK
I don't want to spoil the fun, but can jokes be kept clean please. We don't always know the age of members who may be reading them.

I have received a complaint about the last one posted & have therefore deleted it.
• 04-03-2009, 04:23 AM
Macdave_19
I apologise for the last joke Evryone, i'll keep them clean from now on.
• 04-03-2009, 08:15 PM
mudraker
Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN - I Simply Don't Know
• 04-06-2009, 06:19 PM
dominicb
35 Things You Know But Never Knew You Knew

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

DominicB
• 04-07-2009, 03:40 AM
oldchippy
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go to the pub.'
• 04-08-2009, 06:05 AM
oldchippy
For all you teachers

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
• 04-08-2009, 07:36 AM
Ron Coderre
Timmy was bored during the family's vacation at a rustic mountain cabin.
One day, he noticed a huge rock at the top of a hill. He found a long tree
branch, wedged it under the rock and gave it a nudge. It tipped right over!
Timmy was delighted as the rock gradually picked up speed rolling down the
hill. Then he watched in horror as it headed straight for the cabin outhouse,
smashed into it and knocked it over.

Hours later, he timidly opened the cabin door and went in.
His father was waiting for him.

"Timmy", he said. "Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

"Oh, no...That wasn't me."

"Hmmm. Let me tell you a story, Timmy.
When George Washington was a young boy, he took an axe and chopped
down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked him if he did it,
George said: I cannot tell a lie. I DID chop down the cherry tree.
And because he told the truth, George's father didn't punish him.
Now, I'll ask you again. Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

Timmy gathered his courage and said, "Yes, I did."

His father immediately grabbed Timmy and started slapping him around.
Timmy pulled away and shouted, "You said George Washington's father didn't punish him!"

"George Washington's father wasn't IN THE CHERRY TREE!"
• 04-09-2009, 12:12 PM
dominicb
Easter Joke
It's really, really crap, but hey! It's seasonal...

A man was blissfully driving along the road, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving the same way saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

"HAIR SPRAY ... Restores life to dead hair ... Also adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter everybody;););)

DominicB
• 04-09-2009, 12:40 PM
Ron Coderre
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband
is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to check on him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably.

"Honey", she asks. "What's the matter?

He wipes his red eyes and says:
"Remember when your father caught us in the barn?"

"Yes", she says.

"He pointed that shotgun at us an told me I'd better marry you
or I'd go to jail for twenty years!"

"Oh, I remember that very well. But, why are you crying?"

"Because", he sobs, "I would've gotten out of jail today!"
• 04-12-2009, 12:34 AM
ratcat
Pillsbury Funeral

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
• 04-15-2009, 03:49 AM
oldchippy
Little Johnny strikes again....

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bust is so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.
• 04-15-2009, 10:10 AM
oldchippy
This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . 'THE TEETH.'
• 04-15-2009, 02:28 PM
Simon Lloyd
OC that's funny!
• 04-16-2009, 03:53 AM
oldchippy
Quote:

Originally Posted by Simon Lloyd
OC that's funny!

Don't encourage me! But if you must..........

A woman brought a very limp duck into a Vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The Vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '\$150!', she cried, \$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The Vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been \$20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now \$150
• 04-16-2009, 08:09 AM
dominicb
Harold and Ethel make their regular annual trip to the fair.
This year there is an old open topped, propeller driven bi-plane there offering 10 minute plane rides for fifty pounds.
Harold stops, and looks longingly at the plane and turns to his wife and asks if he can have a plane ride. "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed .

The following year, they attend the fair again, and once more, the bi-plane is there offereing plane rides. "Go on," Harold begs. "Just the once".
"No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed.

They attend the fair every year for the next few years and every year the answer from Ethel is "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds". Poor Harold goes without his plane ride.

One year they go to the fair and, as usual, Harold is looking longingly at the plane, when the pilot spots him and recognises him as the guy who is always told "No Harold. Fifty pounds is fifty pounds". He feels a pang of pity for him and makes his way over and introduces himself. "Tell you what," the pilot says. "I'll take you and your good lady wife out for a spin. I'll pull a few stunts and if the pair of you can remain quiet for the whole trip, you get it free of charge. Otherwise you pay fifty pounds each. What do you say?"

Ethel has a quick think, and never being able to resist a bargain, and being fairly sure they can both stay silent, she agrees.

All three of them hop into the plane and the pilot takes off and does some spins, swoops, steep bankings and dives. Not a word from the pair in the back So he does some parabolic turns and loop the loops. Still not a sound. This time he goes in for a serious string of extremely dangerous manouvres, terrfifying himself in the process, determined to force a scream from one of his passangers. Still nothing.

So finally he brings his plane round and brings it in to land. When he finally stops they get out of the plane and says to Harold, "My word - you were amazing. Not a single murmour. How on earth did you manage it?"

"Well," says Harold, "I damned near said something when Ethel fell out after the first 30 seconds but fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

DominicB
• 04-17-2009, 03:43 AM
oldchippy
Little Johnny's at it again......

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
'Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
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