G'day All,

I'm surprised there is not a joke thread in these part of the woods.

Occasionally you see the odd joke out in the working part of the forum and I think this one is a great joke. Yes I still have a chuckly about that thread now and then.

Well, I'll break the ice with a couple jokes then........

1st Year Physics Humour

The following is an actual question given on a physics mid term exam. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being --- which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

2. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line.

It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this Week for \$44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be \$58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for \$44?

How did you get to \$58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is \$11 and the Fish Bait is \$3.50.'

3. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by ratcat
'The Duck Caller is \$11 and the Fish Bait is \$3.50.'
Man, that's really funny. I've just laughed out loud at that one.

Well done

DominicB

4. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The second one i had heard...the first was quite amusing too!, thanks ratcat!

5. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Hi,

Here's another for the joke thread

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray

6. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I hope this one is clean enough......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

7. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This is no slight on or Irish friends, however:
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site, Paddy is busy nailing down the floorboards while Murphy watches in amazement!, Paddy is picking up nails out of the box looking at them and if they are upside down he's throwing them away!

"Paddy" says Murphy, "Why will you be t'rowing all those nails away?", "can you not see?" says Paddy, "I get these here nails out of the bag, some are the right way up and some are upside down, so i'm t'rowing those one's away!", "You donkey Paddy" says Murphy "don't throw them away........save them for the ceiling!!!"

8. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This may be a little risky:
Little Sam goes up to his dad and asks if he can have a bike?, his dad replies "No son, the mortgage is 180K and your mum has just lost her job!", the next day little Sam is leaving with his suitcase packed, his dad asks "where are you going?", Sam replies "I was walking past your bedroom last night and i heard you say to mum your pulling out, and mum said wait for her 'cos she's coming too, and i'm not staying here on my own with a 180K mortgage and no f***ing bike!"

9. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey , what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

10. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

11. ## Re: The Joke Thread

( translated as well as possible from french)

A kangaroo enters a bar and orders a whiskey.
After emptying his glass he asks how much he owes.
The bartender answers " 25 dollars". The kangaroo pays and leaves the place.

Couple of days later, same stuff.

And, some days later, again.

At the kangaroo's fourth visit the bartender engages in small talk and says " We don't see kangaroos often here".
And the kangaroo answers : " No wonder, at the price you charge the whiskey.."

12. ## Re: The Joke Thread

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

5. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.

6. If they are recounting them put them in Auditing.

7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks put them in Engineering.

8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in Planning.

9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in Operations.

10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces put them in Information Technology.

12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

14. If they have already left for the day put them in Marketing.

15. If they are staring out of the window put them in Strategic Planning.

16. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

13. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A guy pops his head into a busy barbershop and asks the
barber, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber does a quick count and says, "Two hours."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The next day the same guy asks again, "How long until you can cut my hair?"
The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

The third day, same guy, same question.
The barber says, "About an hour."
Again, the guy says, "Thanks!" and runs away.

Annoyed, the barber tells one of his regular customers,
"Quick! Follow that guy and tell me where he goes."
Ten minutes later the customer comes back, laughing his

14. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Lol, this thread is getting very entertaining!

15. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!

16. ## Re: The Joke Thread

We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope all on my own?

17. ## Re: The Joke Thread

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

18. ## Re: The Joke Thread

These two guys at a tropical resort are marvelling at
how this other man seems to have a different gorgeous
girl on his arm each night. One of the guys decides to
go ask the gentleman his secret.

The man tells them, "It's simple, really. Every day, I
walk the beach in a skimpy Speedo bathing suit. But,
before I go out, I put a couple potatoes in it! The
girls are impressed and fall all over me!"

The next day, the two guys decide to implement the plan.
After walking the beach for ten minutes not one girl has
approached them and all they hear is snickers after they
walk by. Just then, the successful playboy comes running over.
He pulls the two guys aside and politely tells them,
"Gentlemen, the potatoes go in the front!"

19. ## Re: The Joke Thread

That's funny Ron 10/10

20. ## Re: The Joke Thread

FACE - Has their face fallen on one side?
ARMS - Can they raise both and keep them there?
SPEECH - is it slurred?
TIME - to get her pants off, the rohypnol has taken affect.

for those non uk residents: you won't get this, apologies.

sorry for being so crude!!

21. ## Re: The Joke Thread

After the last one , here's a clean one

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

22. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a check-up.

A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'

23. ## Re: The Joke Thread

FA Cup Final day. Wembley Stadium. It's Manchester United v Arsenal for what's expected to be the biggest game of the domestic season. And the stadium is packed to capacity having sold out months ago.

Our man makes his way to his seat 10 minutes before kick off and sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. At half time the seat is still empty and it truly is the only empty seat in the stadium, so he say's to the guy on the other side of the gap :
"Can you believe someone's bought a ticket for this game and not turned up?"
"Actually" says the guy, "it's my wife's seat. We get tickets for the FA Cup Final every year. We bought the tickets months ago, but sadly she can't accompany this year as she's passed away."
"Sorry to hear that" says our man, "but it seems such a shame to have this seat empty when someone else could have enjoyed it. Surely you have a friend or relative who could have come with you?"
"Nah." said the guy. "They're all at her funeral."

DominicB

24. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to do something for the everyday people of the country think again my friend, you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

25. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I don't want to spoil the fun, but can jokes be kept clean please. We don't always know the age of members who may be reading them.

I have received a complaint about the last one posted & have therefore deleted it.

26. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I apologise for the last joke Evryone, i'll keep them clean from now on.

27. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN - I Simply Don't Know

28. ## Re: The Joke Thread

35 Things You Know But Never Knew You Knew

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

DominicB

29. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go to the pub.'

30. ## Re: The Joke Thread

For all you teachers

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

31. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Timmy was bored during the family's vacation at a rustic mountain cabin.
One day, he noticed a huge rock at the top of a hill. He found a long tree
branch, wedged it under the rock and gave it a nudge. It tipped right over!
Timmy was delighted as the rock gradually picked up speed rolling down the
hill. Then he watched in horror as it headed straight for the cabin outhouse,
smashed into it and knocked it over.

Hours later, he timidly opened the cabin door and went in.
His father was waiting for him.

"Timmy", he said. "Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

"Oh, no...That wasn't me."

"Hmmm. Let me tell you a story, Timmy.
When George Washington was a young boy, he took an axe and chopped
down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked him if he did it,
George said: I cannot tell a lie. I DID chop down the cherry tree.
And because he told the truth, George's father didn't punish him.
Now, I'll ask you again. Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

Timmy gathered his courage and said, "Yes, I did."

His father immediately grabbed Timmy and started slapping him around.
Timmy pulled away and shouted, "You said George Washington's father didn't punish him!"

"George Washington's father wasn't IN THE CHERRY TREE!"

32. ## Easter Joke

It's really, really crap, but hey! It's seasonal...

A man was blissfully driving along the road, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving the same way saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

"HAIR SPRAY ... Restores life to dead hair ... Also adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter everybody

DominicB

33. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband
is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to check on him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably.

"Honey", she asks. "What's the matter?

He wipes his red eyes and says:
"Remember when your father caught us in the barn?"

"Yes", she says.

"He pointed that shotgun at us an told me I'd better marry you
or I'd go to jail for twenty years!"

"Oh, I remember that very well. But, why are you crying?"

"Because", he sobs, "I would've gotten out of jail today!"

34. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Pillsbury Funeral

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

35. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Little Johnny strikes again....

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bust is so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

36. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . 'THE TEETH.'

37. ## Re: The Joke Thread

OC that's funny!

38. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by Simon Lloyd
OC that's funny!
Don't encourage me! But if you must..........

A woman brought a very limp duck into a Vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The Vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '\$150!', she cried, \$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The Vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been \$20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now \$150

39. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Harold and Ethel make their regular annual trip to the fair.
This year there is an old open topped, propeller driven bi-plane there offering 10 minute plane rides for fifty pounds.
Harold stops, and looks longingly at the plane and turns to his wife and asks if he can have a plane ride. "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed .

The following year, they attend the fair again, and once more, the bi-plane is there offereing plane rides. "Go on," Harold begs. "Just the once".
"No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed.

They attend the fair every year for the next few years and every year the answer from Ethel is "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds". Poor Harold goes without his plane ride.

One year they go to the fair and, as usual, Harold is looking longingly at the plane, when the pilot spots him and recognises him as the guy who is always told "No Harold. Fifty pounds is fifty pounds". He feels a pang of pity for him and makes his way over and introduces himself. "Tell you what," the pilot says. "I'll take you and your good lady wife out for a spin. I'll pull a few stunts and if the pair of you can remain quiet for the whole trip, you get it free of charge. Otherwise you pay fifty pounds each. What do you say?"

Ethel has a quick think, and never being able to resist a bargain, and being fairly sure they can both stay silent, she agrees.

All three of them hop into the plane and the pilot takes off and does some spins, swoops, steep bankings and dives. Not a word from the pair in the back So he does some parabolic turns and loop the loops. Still not a sound. This time he goes in for a serious string of extremely dangerous manouvres, terrfifying himself in the process, determined to force a scream from one of his passangers. Still nothing.

So finally he brings his plane round and brings it in to land. When he finally stops they get out of the plane and says to Harold, "My word - you were amazing. Not a single murmour. How on earth did you manage it?"

"Well," says Harold, "I damned near said something when Ethel fell out after the first 30 seconds but fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

DominicB

40. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Little Johnny's at it again......

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
'Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

41. ## Re: The Joke Thread

More credit crisis problems

Another Bank's Gone Bust- Just heard the Origami Bank in Japan has just folded

42. ## Re: The Joke Thread

What do you find between elephants' toes?

Slow running natives!

Some World Records

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14 mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB), at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?" revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 48 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film?"

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Expletives
On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stonemasons’ mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14 mins 7 secs. With out stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TVs Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word "bast***" after 12 min 58 secs.

Urinating
The longest pee delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24 secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19 mins 24 sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

Hottest Curry Eaten
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXX Hot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiter’s eyebrows.

Biggest Fart
The largest and most catastrophic f*rt was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his backside. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.

DominicB

44. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by oldchippy
More credit crisis problems

Another Bank's Gone Bust- Just heard the Origami Bank in Japan has just folded
It's getting worse

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!), going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

45. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

________________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

46. ## Re: Visit The Joke Thread

Some World Records - Part 2
Some World Records - Part 1

Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1 hr 51 mins 38 secs. by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (GB) got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses, which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Mrs. Mary Caterham and Mrs. Marjorie Steele sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for three and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs.Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2,774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists,, which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Single Breath Sentence
A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.

DominicB

47. ## Re: The Joke Thread

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that it will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

48. ## 2 prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

49. ## Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say no, they only want to look at your panties".

Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag".

50. ## Re: The Joke Thread

2 boys in a hospital

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid t hen asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

51. ## Re: The Joke Thread

6 degrees of blonde
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,listened a moment
And said 'How should I know,that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,. -:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
In the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so,
She is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
Ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit,
Patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
The blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,'I come home to find
All my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'&#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160; &#160;
`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,-:*&#180;`&#180;*:-.,_,.-:*&#180;`&#180;*

52. ## Re: The Joke Thread

WARNING;

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tinned pork - delete it - it's only Spam.

53. ## Re: The Joke Thread

An Iowa crop farmer walks into a NYC bank and tells the loan
officer he is going to Norway on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow \$5,000.

The bank officer tells him that they will need security for the loan,
so the farmer hands over the keys to his new Ferrari.
The car is parked in front of the bank. The crop
farmer produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. The bank's president enjoys
a good laugh over this farmer using a \$250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a \$5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, the farmer returns, repays the \$5,000 and interest,
which comes to \$15.41.

and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow \$5,000?"

The farmer replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only \$15.41, and expect it to be there when I
return?"

Ah, ya gotta love those Iowa farmers.

54. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Always make me chuckle

From a book called "Disorder in the Court." things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

55. ## Re: The Joke Thread

It COULD BE TRUE

THE THEORY OF DARK SUCKERS

For years it was believed that light was emitted from an electric bulb; recent information has proven otherwise. It is now shown that dark is actually sucked into the bulb - henceforth, the bulb should be known as a dark sucker

This dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark suckers. Not only that, it also demonstrates beyond any doubt, that dark is heavier and faster than light

There are many types and sizes of dark manufactured by a large number of companies. Some of the modern dark suckers utilise a solid power capacitor to operate properly. Solid power capacitors can be purchased from companies such as Eveready and Duracell

Some examples of the dark suckers are as follows:

• Electric bulbs: If you examine one of these dark suckers closely when it is in full sucking mode, you will see that there is more dark near the dark sucker. Move a distance away from it and the suckage strength is diminished

These dark suckers can be purchased in a variety of different strengths and will suck the dark from a greater distance than less powerful ones. You purchase the required strength depending on your situation. Like any item, the dark sucker does not have an infinite life and at some stage will reach its capacity and will no longer be able to suck any more dark. At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portion of the dark sucker. As with the power capabilities, the larger the dark sucker, the larger the area of dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be made directional by placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it. This will prevent dark from entering the dark sucker from that side thereby extending the range of the dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded side

• Candles: - These are a primitive dark sucker. They are relatively weak compared to the high powered suckers called Electric Bulbs, which is evident as there is more dark 30 feet from a lit candle then there is at a distance of 3 feet (unlike the industrial powered Electric Bulb dark suckers, which can suck at a distance of hundreds of feet). Proof of its dark sucking capabilities is relatively simple. Examine a new unused candle, notice that the centre core is not dark. Activate the centre core (the part that does the sucking) with a flame such as from a match and allow the centre core to suck for about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark around the candle. Extinguish the centre core. Notice that the centre core of the candle is now dark. The centre core is the dark sucker, which is protected by a soft insulator (generally made from wax or tallow) to extend its life expectancy and maintain rigidity. Another method of proof of its capabilities is to ignite the centre core and allow it to suck for a minimum of 2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the dark sucker, left to right, and approximately 3 inches above the centre core. Notice that there is no dark on the pencil. Pass the pencil over the centre core now about 1/2 inch. Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil has blocked the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker

With modern technology, there are a large number of portable dark suckers that can be carried in ones pocket or bag. These tend to suck the dark from a small but focused area, and store the dark in what are known as Dark Sucker Solid Power Units. These power units can be purchased from many local outlets, as they are needed, changing them within the portable dark sucker. When started, the dark that is sucked is stored within these power units, and the change is required when they are full and the dark sucker no longer works

Dark is heavier than light

Dark’s mass, although of a similar density to, is actually greater than that of light. In an example of a medium such as water, that allows light and dark to exist in the same plane, the dark always settles to the bottom of the water. To prove this theory, simply find a pool or river that has a depth great enough to allow the light and dark to exist in that medium and submerge yourself just below the surface and you will notice an absence of any dark. Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surface and you will notice now that a degree of darkness has settled under the light. As the mass is similar, you will not find an absolute point at which the light stops and the dark starts, at this point the have blended together. Now lower yourself to 50 feet (or more) below the surface and here the dark has settled quite densely, and you will notice a total (or almost complete) lack of light, you are in total dark. Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark is heavier than light

Modern technology has allowed us to utilise the potential energy that has stored in the dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers. This is achieved with the use of turbines that push the dark down river to the ocean, which, due to its immense size, has a larger holding capacity for it. As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of the potential energy is removed from the dark and transmitted to various short-term storage plants (akin to Dark Sucker Solid Power Units discussed above), but on a massive scale. The public is then allowed to tap into this as required (for a fee of course)

The final point to note is this. Although dark has a slightly higher mass than light (i.e. heavier when an equal gravitational field is excerpted upon it), it is surprising to note that the dark is actually faster than light

Imagine a common draw, like those found in a desk at work, or in your home. Now as you can imagine, when closed correctly, the draw seals itself and prevents light entering it and as such, is full of dark. Now, if you would open a drawer very slowly and look inside as you did this, you will notice that the seal is broken and light is able to enter the draw (you can see this happen.) You do not, however, see the dark leave the drawer

Continue to open the drawer and light will continue to enter the drawer; however, you will not see any dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than light. Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker. Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not see any dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your friend open the door until half the closet is dark and half is light. Since 2 objects cannot occupy the exact same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster than light

One last proof

What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by- product of dark suckers? Heat, again.
Therefore a dark sucker generates heat during its operation

Dark’s molecules are heated when they react with light molecules, as the dark fights to displace the light and enter the dark sucker. Just allow, say, a high ratio electric bulb sucking unit to operate for a short time, then stop the sucking. Now CAREFULLY touch the protective coating around the dark sucker (usually this is made of glass), and note the amount of heat. Next allow a smaller ratio of dark sucker to operate for the same length of time. Again CAREFULLY touch the protective coating around the dark sucker, and note, although there is still warmth there, it is indeed less than the higher ratio dark sucker

I hope this has sucked some dark (or for those sceptics, shed some light), on the dark sucker theory for you all, but I will be happy to respond to any questions you have. I will respond at the speed of dark, or if I am busy a little slower than that, and the speed of light

56. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Two women we playing golf while she watched

in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

57. ## Re: The Joke Thread

'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

'From now on, you need to know that I am

the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
the kind of *** that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax..

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then,
you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The f***ing' funeral director would be my first
guess.'

58. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling ‘Wine Flu’. This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.
Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with ‘Wine Flu’.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

‘Wine Flu’ does not need to be life threatening and if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

59. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I was a very happy man.&#160;My wonderful girlfriend&#160;and I had been dating for over a year, and so we&#160;decided to get married. There was only one&#160; little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful&#160;younger sister.&#160;My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very&#160; tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She&#160;would regularly bend down when she was near&#160;me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to&#160; be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was&#160; near anyone else.&#160;
&#160;
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was&#160; alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she&#160; had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't&#160;overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once&#160;before I got married and committed my life to her sister.&#160;
&#160;&#160;
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.&#160;
&#160;&#160;
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
&#160;&#160;
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned&#160;and made a beeline straight to the front door. I&#160; opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.&#160;
&#160;
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!&#160;
&#160;
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and&#160; said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our&#160; little test. We couldn't ask for a better&#160; man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'&#160;
&#160;
And the moral of this story is:&#160;&#160;&#160;

&#160;

60. ## Re: The Joke Thread

An old Nun who lived in a convent next to a big Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them during their lunch break and correct their wicked ways.

She decided to pack a lunch for herself and sit with them and convince them to refrain from such language.

She put her sandwich and flask in a brown paper bag and went over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to them and said to them with a big smile,

"Do you know Jesus Christ?"

They all shook their heads and looked at each other. One of them looked up to where the steel-workers were having their lunch and yelled,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ ??"

One of the steel-workers yelled out,

"Why ?"

The worker yelled back'

"His mother's here with his lunch !"

61. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Funny that this is still floating around after 20+years!

Still hopefully it will show us where we are lacking!

Real Programmers ...

Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.

Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.

Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.

Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.

Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.

Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.

Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, pre-maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.

Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

62. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Having spent her whole life in the Convent Sister Catherine had decided at the age of 26 to leave the Convent and go into the outside world.

She approached Mother-Superior Beautrice to let her know of her decision. To which Mother Superior proceded to tell her of the horrors of secular world, trying to scare Catherine from leaving. Catherine could not be swayed in her resolve to leave and when asked what she was going to do for a living, she replied "I'm going to be a prostitute."

Upon hearing those words, Mother-Superior fainted. Upon being revived she went and got Father Paul to join in on this conversation with Catherine. Beginning the conversation between the 3 of them by asking Catherine "Now Sister, please tell Father what you told me you were going to do once you leave the convent."

To which Catherine replied "I had thought about for a while and decided that becoming a prostitute was going to be the best option for me"

A look of releif came over Mother Superior's face as she said "Thank Goodness, I thought you said you were going to be a protestant earlier!"

63. ## Re: The Joke Thread

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...

She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand... So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera......

64. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Two Boys in Hospital

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid t hen asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

65. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A blonde decided to rent her first porno video.
She went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded ****.
She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR.
But nothing appeared on her screen except static.
She called the video store and complained, 'I just rented a porno from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static.'
The clerk said, 'Sorry about that, which movie was it?'

66. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

67. ## Re: The Joke Thread

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. Sign at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

68. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

69. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his work-shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this ?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make \$39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks, around \$1,000,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work ?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running !'

70. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

71. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that
she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

72. ## Re: The Joke Thread

How did he become rich?

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money.
'Well, son, it was 1932 time of the depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies.
'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies.
I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37.

'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'

73. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

74. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down \$500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm homesick.

75. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Bob works hard at the office but spends&#160;two nights each week bowling, and&#160;plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local&#160;strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.&#160;
'Oh no,' says Bob.&#160;&#160;'He's in my bowling club.&#160;
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if&#160;he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.&#160;
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she&#160;know that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to&#160;rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

BOB's&#160;funeral will be on Friday&#160;.

76. ## Re: The Joke Thread

&#160;&#160;&#160;&#160;
To aussies out fishing when Davo asks Murph:&#160; "Why do Scuba divers always fall&#160;backwards off their boats?"

&#160;&#160;To which Murph replies, "You Thick idiot&#160; -&#160; If they fell&#160;forwards they'd&#160;still be in the boat"

77. ## Re: The Joke Thread

On the West Island of New Zealand a little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocerystore.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
&#160;
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
&#160;
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."
&#160;
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

78. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by oldchippy
How did he become rich?

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money.
'Well, son, it was 1932 time of the depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies.
'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies.
I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37.

'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'
He'd have been better off with the original plan, to the tune of £50M.

79. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by shg
He'd have been better off with the original plan, to the tune of £50M.
That's probably why I'm not rich

80. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I was watching TV last night. My wife sat next to me and asked : " What's on the TV tonight?" I answered :"Dust" - That's when the trouble started...

81. ## Re: e Announcements The Joke Thread

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************

‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry I f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

82. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The previous thread reminds me of something someone once e-mailed to me :

Check THIS out - wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.

"... Hello and welcome to Delta Flight 438 to San Francisco.If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.

We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane --

HELLO!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast.If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.

Thank you for choosing Delta, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

DominicB

83. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an&#160;
operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

"How long will it be before I am able to have&#160;
a normal *** life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?&#160;&#160;
I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that&#160;
after having their tonsils out."

84. ## Re: The Joke Thread

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. ..........None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. .........She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. ......There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

85. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Thanks Stormseed for that one

Do any of the Mods come into this category I wonder?

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

86. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the NRL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the
Wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty" This is incredible", said
The man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for NRL Grand final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
To come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first NRL Grand
Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
Someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

87. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by pike
A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE
Hey Pikey

Get your own jokes, instead of recycling mine - just 'cos they're better than yours

Originally told here, and so much better

DominicB

88. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This is supposedly a list of GCSE answers actually given by candidates sitting their exams, aged 16. I can't believe that this is true, personally, but then some of this stuff is too funny and off the wall to be made up. One thing you can deduce from this is that kids are as mad as cheese and some of them inhabit a seriously disturbed world ...

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and terectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

DominicB

89. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
Did he drop the "H" - DonkeyOte

90. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Ha ha! I must admit I thought of Luke when I read that line.

Over to you Donkey ...

DominicB

Originally Posted by oldchippy
Did he drop the "H" - DonkeyOte

91. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,
A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

92. ## Re: The Joke Thread

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the triple cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the Healthcare.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

93. ## Re: The Joke Thread

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have *** I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have *** with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything
appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having *** with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January
and the second time is in August."

94. ## Re: The Joke Thread

ALL PUNS INTENDED....
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

95. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you..'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.. '

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.'

96. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when a gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The man is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

The man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says 'would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed, 'I can't take another
drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What the heck next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned; she beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. I'm sure there's
something you really feel like enjoying right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
.

.
.
'Hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

97. ## Re: The Joke Thread

BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......

"NO" she said, "they're for the funeral."

98. ## Re: The Joke Thread

LOL pike - nice one

99. ## Re: The Joke Thread

If you knew my irish grandmother its even better

100. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Different Wavelengths

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths, when she said she wanted decking on the patio

101. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A rabbit walks into
a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and
Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese
toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the
toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer,
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and
the extra drinkers in the pub,
(because word gets round), gives the rabbit
the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and
leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the
rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit
wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only
in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of
patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week
than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old
mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'

The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very
nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says,
'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly
silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of
my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of
beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit
quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished
public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of
which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a
pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties.

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

102. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Mixin-me-toasties?? I must be more dense than usual tonight..

103. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Myxomatosis (sometimes shortened to "myxi" or "myxo") is a disease which affects rabbits. It is caused by the Myxoma virus.

source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis

104. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Ah, a joke and science all at the same time. I think that's illegal in some countries.

105. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

106. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Some World Records - Part 3
Some World Records - Part 1
Some World Records - Part 2

Holiday Gymnastics
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.

Loudest Car Stereo
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312 dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.

Car Customisation
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world’s most expensive car customisation project at 105,761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of £63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (£3,500), Nightrider style Disco Stop Lights (£199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (£500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (£285). The car is currently valued at £65.

Longest Wheel Spin
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 seconds before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

Beer Drinking
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.

Urinating
The longest p!ss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24 secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19 mins 24 sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

DominicB

107. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Hi dominicb,

I notice a duplication of the Urinating (post 1 & 3) - or did old George Wingfield get nicked twice on the same day after all that drink!

108. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Hi Chippy

No, in the original document, the urinating record followed the drinking record (as you would expect in real life) and as part of the joke I suppose ...

When I split it into three I didn't intend to split the two up and for the joke to run on, I brought them back together.

So, I'm off to stand in the corner for half an hour and reflect on my stupidity, while you go to top of the class for your usual hawk-eye-ishness.

You didn't get the "eagle-eye" moniker for nothing did you ...

DominicB

109. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p**s!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Sue

110. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Good Housekeeping Tip

Always keep several
get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive,
They will think you've been too sick
to clean

112. ## Re: The Joke Thread

TESCO MURDER

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..

(You're going to hate me for this .... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff

113. ## Re: The Joke Thread

KidsAreQuick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

114. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Paddy has been stopped by the police because he was speeding like a maniac through the streets of Dublin, driving in the middle of the road. When asked if he had any explanation why he was going so fast he said: "Well, yes! It says so right here on my drivers lincense. Look! 'Tear off at dotted line'!!!!"

115. ## Re: The Joke Thread

SIX MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you \$800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands ***** in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her \$800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the \$800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
``Please Login or Register  to view this content.``
Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
``Please Login or Register  to view this content.``
Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
``Please Login or Register  to view this content.``
Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
``Please Login or Register  to view this content.``
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
``Please Login or Register  to view this content.``
Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
``Please Login or Register  to view this content.``

116. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous..

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I
linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were
standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my
beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended
orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a
rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind
then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his p###s.

117. ## Re: The Joke Thread

haha, pike.

how'bout:

Two Australians have decided to try some of these adventure sports. Afterwards, they meet in the ER room of the local hospital, both pretty beat up, waiting for treatment for their various broken limbs, cuts and grazes. One guy has a parakeet tied to his arm, the other one has a budgie fastened onto each of his shoulders.

Says the first one: "I never thought para-gliding would be so hard."

And the other one: "Yeah. I guess I'll never get the hang of budgie jumping!"

118. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The Australia sense of humor can get you into trouble

............. but can you just say six

119. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A man goes into his local library and after looking around for some time, approaches the librarian and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Get lost, you'll never return it!"

120. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

121. ## Re: The Joke Thread

LOL

the best jokes I have read for a while

122. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas .Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the \$hit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas........

123. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Lionel Ritchie has opened a muslim butcher's shop in Bradford.......It's called "Haalal, is it meat you're looking for"

A boy comes home from school at 7pm,
His Dad says " Where were you?"
"I was with Jessica" He replied
"We were revising" says the boy

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely"

124. ## Re: The Joke Thread

LOL

Language barrier or ignorance: can you explain #2 for the uninitiated, please?

edit: Thanks dominicb! Received the PM -- I realised I was not that daft after all, I just had not figured out that there were only two jokes, not three (I took each blank line as a joke separator, so I didn't get the funny bit in joke #2 and I thought that joke #3 lacked some kind of intro)

125. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by teylyn
LOL

Language barrier or ignorance: can you explain #2 for the uninitiated, please?
Perhaps this is kept off the forum - I'll send you a PM.

DominicB

126. ## Re: The Joke Thread

There are three couples applying for membership in a church. The pastor tells them he has a test for them to prove their devotion: they can't be intimate with each other for two weeks.

Two weeks later, they all come back to him and he asks the elderly first couple how they did. The man says, "It went fine. We've been married forty years, so it was no problem for us."

"Great, welcome to the church." Turning to the middle-aged second couple, he said, "And how did you do?"

The woman responds, "Well, we were tempted a bit, and it wasn't easy, but we managed to make it the entire two weeks."

"Wonderful, welcome to the church." Then to the 20-something third couple, he asks, "And how were your two weeks?"

The guy answers, "Well, we've only been married a few months, so it was torture for us. We were actually doing well until this morning at breakfast, though. Then she dropped her napkin, we both went to pick it up, our eyes locked, passions ignited, and we just had to have each other then and there."

The pastor tells them, "Well, I understand, but unfortunately, I can't let you into the church."

"That's ok. They won't let us back into that restaurant, either."

127. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A pastor was baptizing people in a river when he sees a drunk walk by. He goes and gets the drunk, brings him into the river, and baptizes him. On bringing him up, the pastor asks, "Young man, have you found Jesus?"

"No."

The pastor says a quick prayer and baptizes him again. "Have you found Jesus?"

"No."

The pastor prays again and baptizes him a third time. "Young man, have you found Jesus?"

"No, are you sure he fell in here?"

128. ## Re: The Joke Thread

In the beginning, God created man. And man was lonely, so God created a dog. The man was happy and the dog was happy, but there was a problem. The dog treated the man like a god, and so the man began to think of himself as one.

And so God created a cat, and the cat ignored the man and treated him poorly, never once being grateful for anything the man did for it. And man remembered his place, that he was indeed below God. And God was happy, and man was happy, and the dog was happy...and the cat didn't give a damn either way.

129. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I saw this post years ago on www.webmasterworld.com/foo, which is the equivalent to the Water Cooler here. It's a tad long and you may need to skip the intro, unless you were a regular visitor to WMW in 2003 and the names mean anything to you.

I just thought that maybe soon we might also have a hardware forum here and should prepare for difficult questions about keyboards and coffee spills.

So here goes. Not in quote tags, because it would be so much harder to read.
Source: http://www.webmasterworld.com/forum9/4766.htm

***************************

Einstein once said “never commit to memory what you can look up”.

Or words to that effect. I’m fairly sure it was Einstein. I have it on file here somewhere.

Einstein or not, when I first heard the quote it struck me as an eminently sensible idea. I mean, whether or not you ascribe to the idea that the human brain has finite capacity (and I’m not sure I do, though my ex-husband is the closest thing you’ll ever get to imperical evidence), it makes a still makes reasonable sense not to spend a lot of time and energy memorising tidbits of knowledge you will rarely call on.

I think perhaps though, I have taken Einstein’s rule a little too much to heart. There are certain tidbits of knowledge that you really *should* remember... however rarely you may call on them. For example:

> I was allergic to shellfish last year, I am allergic to shellfish this year, and I will be allergic to shellfish next year.
> Objects in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear.
> Never ask if this {fill in the gap} makes my butt look big... if I have to ask, it does.... ‘just put the hanger back and step awaaaaay from the rack, deejay, and no-one’s feelings will get hurt’.
> Some plastics have lower melting points than others.
> Striped clothes are not me and never will be.
ØCoffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts do not mix.

Obviously some of these, while crucial to me, are irrelevant to anyone else. Some have relevance to a wider audience. That last one for example. Let me say it again:

Coffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts *do not* mix.

You see, since moving house a month ago I’ve fallen into a quite nice Saturday morning routine... a key part of which is logging on around 10 am with a cup of coffee and catching up on the overnight posts. Now I don’t actually drink coffee, except for this one lovely cup a week, so this is a treat and a ritual.

..............*pausing for the readership to pick themselves up off the floor and calm their hearts at the idea of only one coffee a week*.....................

The chirping of modem in one ear and low grumbling of the Krups espresso machine in the other... I swear it’s starting to elicit a Pavlovian response in me.... it’s like foreplay for geeks.

So anyway.. I’m sitting, I’m sipping, I’m savouring.... appropriately enough, I ended up in the coffee cup thread.

a smile here, a chuckle there, a chortle in between.. a guffaw at DaveN’s ‘admission’ to having stolen mivox’s mug (I just knew someone was going to)... a snicker and ‘oooo’ at mivox’s ominous reply... a titter at Nick’s Mr Tickle mug-inspired slinking.......

and then pixel_juice had to bloody speak up... mid-sip I might add.

Err, yes Nick...<coughs>. Very nice !
Cough indeed.

More like <abortedswallow - closedmouthlaughandcough - snortcoffeeoutnose - leanforwardoverkeyboard - slopcoffeecupeverywhere - gasp>

Oh bloody marvellous. Just flippin lovely.

Understand that I take my coffee very strong, very milky and very sweet. The spoon doesn’t quite stand up in the cup, but it may dissolve if not removed quickly enough. My coffee was the runner-up in adhesives when Post-Its were being developed... perpetually sticky stuff y’know. Suffice to say this is no watery concoction that can be easily shaken out of a keyboard or dabbed away with a tissue.

Still, no big deal really. I’ve cleaned plenty of keyboards in my time. Five minutes later it’s unplugged, keys popped off and soaking in warm water with dishwashing liquid. and I’m attacking the base of the keyboard with cotton ear buds and warm water. The cleaning was long overdue anyway, so I’m not too phased... stitch in time, penny saved, pip pip ay what old chap and all that rubbish.

Most of the coffee’s coming away alright... but I have a cat... longhair of course... and I have just found out where a good part of that two pounds of fur that she moulted last spring ended up. Oh, and the place I moved from recently had a dog too. Lest I forget the poor darling, he has contributed a few locks of hair as a reminder.

Time for the vacuum cleaner. Done this plenty of times too... remove the head and wave the vacuum hose a few inches above the keyboard... zzzzzip! All hair/fur gone. Works like a charm. Unfortunately it completely escaped me that I bought a new vacuum cleaner just a month ago. The old one was way past its use by date. My old vacuum cleaner’s engine was to suck as.... as... well, for lack of a better comparison and to avoid unnecessary s@xual references... as half a cabbage leaf is to a fart. My *new* vacuum cleaner, on the other hand, is a baked bean entree, vindaloo curry main, cucumber side dish and 3 pints of lager. I mean this thing could.... well, you can imagine, I’m sure.

So OK, I’m waving vacuum hose.... and oh, bugger me! You know those little round rubber things inside the keyboard? The bits that get depressed by the keys when you press them? Three of the little blighters just shot up into the vacuum.

Growlscowlprowl around and find an old newspaper... empty vacuum bag (full, of course) and pick through to find rubber bits. If you’ve never actually opened up your keyboard and seen these bits... they’re about the size of my fingernail (of course you’ve never seen my fingernail either.. yours will do), surprisingly soft, clear rubber... and they turn the colour of whatever dust they are coated in, effectively rendering them invisible in a pile of vacuum bag contents. There’s no way round it but to rub through the entire contents between my fingers to find them. *BLECH*

... part 2 in next post, total text too long for 1 post ....

130. ## Re: The Joke Thread

previous post continued ....

Recovered, washed, dried.. and now I’m stuck with opening up the damn keyboard body to put them back in. Well hell, if I’m going that far I may as well remove the sensor sheet thingy and actually wash to keyboard case itself... so I did. Only took two goes to put it back together again... marginally pleased with myself at that.

In the meantime, the keys have been lying on a towel, hopefully drying in the sunlight from the window. Nearly. Not quite. Droplets of water here and there. It’s autumn in New Zealand at the moment and just not warm enough for this.

That’s ok. I have a mouse. I don’t need a keyboard to read posts. I can log on and just have a bit of a read at WebmasterWorld while I give those keys another half hour or so to finish drying. So I did. For five minutes. Until a box popped up on my screen telling me that it couldn’t locate the keyboard on my machine.

Well I knew that. It’s in 109 pieces on the floor beside me.

My vocalisations to that effect didn’t seem to satisfy the machine though, and it crashed forthwith.

“where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?”

It’s been a couple of hours since the spill now.... a lot longer than I anticipated this taking... I’m still tasting coffee in my nose, but it is now accompanied by a fine layer of vacuum cleaner dust (it’s just ridiculous that when you sneeze to clear your nose, you must first inhale a mighty breath thereby dragging in 10 times the amount of dust that tickled your nose and made you want to sneeze in the first place).

Right. Enough of this nonsense. I’m not going to chance the keys in the oven, as I’m still getting used to this one... it runs a bit hot and the last thing I want is melted keys. How embarrassing would that be!

“I cooked my keyboard on the weekend”
“oh? power surge?”
“no no, roasting dish.. 150 degrees celsius”.

Ha. I’m far to smart for that thank you very bloody much. Out comes the hairdryer.

So I grab about 10 keys at a time and toss them into a glass bowl and wave my hairdryer round at them... making the keys skitter round and cleverly evaporating any leftover water. Tip the ten out on a fresh towel, grab another handful and repeat. Bewdiful.

Tipping the third or fourth batch out onto the towel, one of the larger keys caught my eye. I picked it up and noted that the bottom edge of the key of it wasn’t cut in a straight line... it was wobbly... huh... shoddy workmanship there. Hadn’t noticed any other irregulars up to this point though, so didn’t worry much.

Next batch.. crikey d ick .. there’s another one. Errr... hang on... sure enough... I was cooking the keys with my flippin hairdryer. It wasn’t even that hot!

Thing Worth Remembering No 2:

ØSome plastics have lower melting points than others.

I realise I am chanting “pixel_juice, Pixel_Juice, PIXEL_JUICE!” under my breath... though I look nothing like a gothic teenage Winona Ryder, and cannot remember more than ten words of the banana boat song, let alone levitate while singing it.

But I digress. I’m prone to that. I also regress occasionally, but that’s another story.

ahem. yes. well.

I had a quick hunt through the dried keys for the enter key. Now I *KNOW* that key was fine, because I actually dried that one on its own, and it was perfectly *FINE*. Well it’s not now. It’s bent like a bloody banana. The damn thing has warped after I put it down. I know it’s futile, but I try to fit it to the keyboard anyway. It might fit.

Pigs might fly too.

Did I mention that I’m 3/4 Scottish? The penny-pinching gene is the only excuse I can offer for actually thinking to myself ‘there’s another enter key... if that one’s alright then I can probably live without that one for a while’.... and trying to fit another half dozen keys to the board. As it was, about half of them were also warped, so it just wasn’t a happening thing.

So anyways to make a long story... err.. well.. longer... I went and bought a new keyboard at Kmart. This was after, of course, the 15 minute search for my wallet, which I didn’t find and therefore concluded that I had left it at work... which I had... of course.

It’s now past midnight here. I’ve achieved nothing today except a science lesson, spending \$35 and this post.

I should be asleep, but I was feeling a bit cheated out of my coffee from this morning... so about two hours ago I made a fresh brew. I really should start wearing a watch. Or get a clock in this room. Or look at the bottom right corner of my screen occasionally. Double strength, extra sweet coffee after 10 pm is not a good idea. If anyone would like to swing by and scrape me off the ceiling, there’s a spatula in the kitchen.

So there you have it. Consider this a cautionary tale and take what you will from it, but remember:

> Some plastics have lower melting points than others.
> Coffee, keyboards and snortingly-funny WebmasterWorld posts do not mix

********************************

131. ## Re: The Joke Thread

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat-×ž×ª×§×š×š) or endothermic (absorbs heat-×¡×•×€×’ ×—×•× /×ž×ª×—×ž× )?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

132. ## The problems of being a multi-million Superstar!

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

This was the first time Tiger Woods failed to drive 400 yards in a straight line.

133. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Didn't take long

OC, the one-lines back on post 120 something - are they c/o Tim Vine ?

134. ## Re: The Joke Thread

are they c/o Tim Vine ?
Can't say I've heard of him before, I had to look him up

Perhaps we should start a "one-liner" thread

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"

135. ## Re: The Joke Thread

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her bra off, starts passionately kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kisses them passionately.

A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Jacqueline, flushed, try's to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sits down as though in a total daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

136. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Time to write your Xmas wish list.

137. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Oh, crap! I'm getting coal again.

138. ## Re: The Joke Thread

**DRILL PRESS:
**A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
**
**WIRE WHEEL:
**Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh!t!"
**
**SKILL SAW:
**A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
**
**PLIERS:
**Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
**
**BELT SANDER:
**An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
**
**HACKSAW:
**One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
**
**VISE-GRIPS:
**Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
**
**OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
**Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
**
**TABLE SAW:
**A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
**
**HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
**Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
**
**BAND SAW:
**A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
**
**TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
**A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
**
**PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
**Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
**
**STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
**A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
**
**PRY BAR:
**A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
**
**HOSE CUTTER:
**A tool used to make hoses too short.
**
**HAMMER:
**Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
**
**UTILITY KNIFE:
**Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
**
**Son of a b*tch TOOL:
**Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

139. ## Re: The Joke Thread

**Excel:
**A spreadsheet application named to make you feel as if you're doing really brililant stuff and getting on in the world, while you really spend most time on wrestling with its "features" and inventing workarounds.

140. ## Re: The Joke Thread

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"*MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

*When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

141. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

142. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Good jokes. All jokes are very funny. Me and my wife laugh very much at last night. I really enjoyed.
Thanks

Tiger Shark

144. ## Re: The Joke Thread

looks like you have settled into Moruya quite will there pike.

145. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Yes I'll be here for a while the summers are lovely, mild and little to no humidity

146. ## Re: The Joke Thread

Two chaps discussing what they did last night.

1st. Oh we had a wonderful time last night, found a new restaurant.

2nd. Oh, what's it like then?

1st. Absolutely superb, wonderful food, well presented, and a fantastic ambience to the place.

2nd, What's it called.

1st. Oh, err, what the hell is it called. ermm, oh for heaven's sake what is it....red, what's that shrub that's red, well often red although other colours as well, you know, it's thorny, you prune it every year, lots of different varieties all smell different, oh damn! What on earth is it called.

2nd You mean a rose?

1st Oh that's it. Of course, (calling over his shoulder to the kitchen). Rose what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

147. ## Re: The Joke Thread

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION*
WITH THE*MOST ROMANTIC*FIRST LINE,*
AND THE*LEAST ROMANTIC**SECOND LINE:*

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:*
Marrying you has screwed up my life.*

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.*
That's why I always wake up screaming.*

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;*
This describes everything you are not.*

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,*
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.*

5. I thought that I could love no other*
-- that is until I met your brother.*

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.*
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's*

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;*
But don't take that paper bag off your face.*

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!*

9. My love, you take my breath away.*
What have you stepped in to smell this way?*

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,*
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'*

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?*
Two parts vodka, one part lime.*

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

148. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."

149. ## Re: The Joke Thread

This one always cracks me up....and yes, I'm a guy.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. Amazed, the woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

150. ## Re: The Joke Thread

LOL..................15 all

151. ## Re: The Joke Thread

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair .... and there's even
strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they walked
everywhere they went?"

152. ## Re: The Joke Thread

I just found out I can still have S=E=X at 71!

I am so happy because I only live at 58,
so it's not far to walk home . . .