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The Joke Thread

  1. #31
    Cheeky Forum Moderator Ron Coderre's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Timmy was bored during the family's vacation at a rustic mountain cabin.
    One day, he noticed a huge rock at the top of a hill. He found a long tree
    branch, wedged it under the rock and gave it a nudge. It tipped right over!
    Timmy was delighted as the rock gradually picked up speed rolling down the
    hill. Then he watched in horror as it headed straight for the cabin outhouse,
    smashed into it and knocked it over.

    Hours later, he timidly opened the cabin door and went in.
    His father was waiting for him.

    "Timmy", he said. "Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

    "Oh, no...That wasn't me."

    "Hmmm. Let me tell you a story, Timmy.
    When George Washington was a young boy, he took an axe and chopped
    down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked him if he did it,
    George said: I cannot tell a lie. I DID chop down the cherry tree.
    And because he told the truth, George's father didn't punish him.
    Now, I'll ask you again. Did you roll a rock into the outhouse?"

    Timmy gathered his courage and said, "Yes, I did."

    His father immediately grabbed Timmy and started slapping him around.
    Timmy pulled away and shouted, "You said George Washington's father didn't punish him!"

    "George Washington's father wasn't IN THE CHERRY TREE!"

  2. #32
    Forum Moderator dominicb's Avatar
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    Smile Easter Joke

    It's really, really crap, but hey! It's seasonal...



    A man was blissfully driving along the road, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

    The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead.

    The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

    A woman driving the same way saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

    The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

    Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!!

    The man was astonished.

    He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

    The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

    It said:






    "HAIR SPRAY ... Restores life to dead hair ... Also adds permanent wave."


    Happy Easter everybody

    DominicB
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  3. #33
    Cheeky Forum Moderator Ron Coderre's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband
    is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to check on him.
    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table weeping uncontrollably.

    "Honey", she asks. "What's the matter?

    He wipes his red eyes and says:
    "Remember when your father caught us in the barn?"

    "Yes", she says.

    "He pointed that shotgun at us an told me I'd better marry you
    or I'd go to jail for twenty years!"

    "Oh, I remember that very well. But, why are you crying?"

    "Because", he sobs, "I would've gotten out of jail today!"
    Last edited by Ron Coderre; 11-14-2009 at 01:07 PM.
    Ron
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  4. #34
    Valued Forum Contributor ratcat's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Pillsbury Funeral

    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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    I don't void confusion, I create it

  5. #35
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Little Johnny strikes again....

    The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

    The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

    Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

    The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

    Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bust is so big she can only fasten eight.'

    The teacher sat down and cried.
    oldchippy
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  6. #36
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

    He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

    The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

    As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

    She answered . . . . 'THE TEETH.'

  7. #37
    Forum Expert Simon Lloyd's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    OC that's funny!
    Not all forums are the same - seek and you shall find

  8. #38
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Simon Lloyd View Post
    OC that's funny!
    Don't encourage me! But if you must..........

    DEAD DUCK

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a Vet's surgery.

    As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away'

    The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'

    'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

    'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

    The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The Vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
    The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The Vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

    The Vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

    The Vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

    If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150

  9. #39
    Forum Moderator dominicb's Avatar
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    Smile Re: The Joke Thread

    Harold and Ethel make their regular annual trip to the fair.
    This year there is an old open topped, propeller driven bi-plane there offering 10 minute plane rides for fifty pounds.
    Harold stops, and looks longingly at the plane and turns to his wife and asks if he can have a plane ride. "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed .

    The following year, they attend the fair again, and once more, the bi-plane is there offereing plane rides. "Go on," Harold begs. "Just the once".
    "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds" and the subject is closed.

    They attend the fair every year for the next few years and every year the answer from Ethel is "No Harold." she says, "Fifty pounds is fifty pounds". Poor Harold goes without his plane ride.

    One year they go to the fair and, as usual, Harold is looking longingly at the plane, when the pilot spots him and recognises him as the guy who is always told "No Harold. Fifty pounds is fifty pounds". He feels a pang of pity for him and makes his way over and introduces himself. "Tell you what," the pilot says. "I'll take you and your good lady wife out for a spin. I'll pull a few stunts and if the pair of you can remain quiet for the whole trip, you get it free of charge. Otherwise you pay fifty pounds each. What do you say?"

    Ethel has a quick think, and never being able to resist a bargain, and being fairly sure they can both stay silent, she agrees.

    All three of them hop into the plane and the pilot takes off and does some spins, swoops, steep bankings and dives. Not a word from the pair in the back So he does some parabolic turns and loop the loops. Still not a sound. This time he goes in for a serious string of extremely dangerous manouvres, terrfifying himself in the process, determined to force a scream from one of his passangers. Still nothing.

    So finally he brings his plane round and brings it in to land. When he finally stops they get out of the plane and says to Harold, "My word - you were amazing. Not a single murmour. How on earth did you manage it?"

    "Well," says Harold, "I damned near said something when Ethel fell out after the first 30 seconds but fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

    DominicB
    Last edited by dominicb; 04-16-2009 at 08:12 AM.

  10. #40
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Little Johnny's at it again......

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
    'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

    * * * * * * * * * * *

    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
    'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

    * * * * * * * * * * *

    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
    'Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

    * * * * * * * * * * *

    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
    'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

    * * * * * * * * * * *

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
    Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

  11. #41
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    More credit crisis problems

    Another Bank's Gone Bust- Just heard the Origami Bank in Japan has just folded

  12. #42
    Cheeky Forum Moderator Ron Coderre's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    What do you find between elephants' toes?





    Slow running natives!

  13. #43
    Forum Moderator dominicb's Avatar
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    Smile Re:Thread Joke

    Some World Records

    Car Parking
    The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14 mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

    Incorrect Driving
    The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB), at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

    Film Confusion
    The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?" revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 48 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film?"

    Jumble Sale Massacre
    The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

    Expletives
    On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stonemasons’ mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14 mins 7 secs. With out stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TVs Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word "bast***" after 12 min 58 secs.

    Urinating
    The longest pee delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24 secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19 mins 24 sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

    Hottest Curry Eaten
    Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXX Hot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiter’s eyebrows.

    Biggest Fart
    The largest and most catastrophic f*rt was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his backside. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.

    DominicB
    Last edited by shub; 10-15-2011 at 04:44 AM.

  14. #44
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by oldchippy View Post
    More credit crisis problems

    Another Bank's Gone Bust- Just heard the Origami Bank in Japan has just folded
    It's getting worse

    We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!), going for a song.

    Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

  15. #45
    Forum Expert oldchippy's Avatar
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    Re: The Joke Thread

    Diet Questions Answered from your 'nutrition expert'

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
    No Pain...Good!
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    ________________________________________



    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

    AND......

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION

    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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